Wednesday, December 19, 2018

Burn it Up

by Erinn Selkis (writer), Los Angeles, July 26, 2007

“It’s called Burn it Up for a Reason! You are just going to shrink in sizes!!”

I listen to Debbie’ annoying voice on my Slim N Six exercise tape and I... get really pumped up! Yeah! Let’s do these exercises!!! Burn that fat! Squat and kick! Lunge and lift! And march it out!

Hahaha yeah right. Let’s face it- us folks who have to exercise our asses off (literally) don’t actually ENJOY it, and if anyone tells you they do, they are big fat (pun intended) liars. I personally hate it. Oh, I pretend that it’s a great enjoyable part of my day, a real “high,” but if I could stay skinny and never break a sweat, I would never put on a pair of sneakers again. Ooohh,….those lucky girls (and guys). We all know them. The “Oh my God, it’s so hard for me to gain a pound I have never done a sit up in my life!” people. Seriously now! How come some people were blessed with these fantastic metabolisms and I’m lucky if I can burn off my celery stick lunch? I was at a meeting last night and this skinny (the good sexy skinny, not the ugh please eat something skinny) bitch was chowing down on the pepperoni pizza, chocolate, and REGULAR Pepsi that was provided. I haven’t even touched a piece of bread since like 1993 and here she is stuffing her face with all that junk. Just watching her made my love handles expand. It’s just so unfair! I decided then and there, as I sipped my Diet Pepsi and chain chewed my sugar free gum that in my next life I will be able to eat anything and everything and not gain a pound.

I know I really can’t complain- Im not fat, Im not even close to fat; in fact Im much closer to being thin than fat. But it’s the upkeep that kills me. It’s like being a fake blonde- You go get your brown hair dyed blonde and you love it! You feel sexy, amazing, beautiful, and for the first two weeks these feelings continue. Then, the roots start growing in, the color starts fading, your hair gets dull from all the chemicals, and you realize that you already have to go back to the salon and get it touched up.. It’s not natural, and if you asked your hair if it really wanted to be blonde, I am sure it would say no. Same with my body- Sure, it can be thin and toned and tan and hairless and moisturized, but only if I work on it all the time. I wonder if there is an exercise video that encourages you to be natural and just love your body the way God made it....

"Yes, that's it. Keep those child bearing hips just the way they are. Wonderful!! Don't get too toned, now, we want to stay fertile!"

I think I might make one.

About the Writer

Erinn Selkis is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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