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Thursday, November 23, 2017

Pet hates...........RIGINAL.

by riginal (writer), moe australia, October 04, 2014

A weird tale of love from my new friend Kelvin................................................go figure.

WEIRD AINT IT? riginal.

Life just is so so weird. Weird is so so well?... weird. Hate people who over exaggerate a point of weirdness. What constitutes 'weird' anyway? Unusual seems to intrude on every facet of our lives if truth be known.

One of my previous poblogs was bout a guy i met whom had been ravaged and cut up bad by a shunting train. I was going to contact him after i saved up enough money to have a cold one with him but circumstance hastened when i found his wallet in the passenger well of my car, only because i opened the door on the passenger side which i don't normally do, usually i just slow down and the terrified passenger jumps out. I'm not a bad driver, it's just that women in this town jump out before you stop. I don't know why, maybe these country girls are used to jumping down off the haystack before the mules pull up...handed down from days of yore when women were more likely to jump UP on the haystack? HEY! i don't know?

The guy i picked up left his wallet behind. Slipped out of his tracksuit. Tracksuits spit wallets out. You can't trust them. I always put my money and or wallet in my underwear. That way they are safe. I believe the practice is called 'groin zero.'

Rang Kelvin, he was so relieved,came round for a coffee. We got talking about women which is what most guys still breathing, and hobbling, talk about. Correct me if i'm wrong. We both started swapping stories same as women do about men and don't tell me girls you don't, in fact surveys have shown that women do just that,whether out of boredom or just bored spite?

Kelvin started to tell me bout his ex. She was a shrink nurse who got sacked from her workplace because someone was pinching morphine and she got the blame. Turned out it was a male orderly. She received no apology and she started a job elsewhere. We started talking bout the inns and outs of their relationship. She was a bossy girl and after they split they hooked up after she took his double story house and 8 acres. He rents now which seems fair to me, don't you agree ladies?

Women rarely win in a settlement now do they? Anyway, she came round to his renter, one thing led to another and she started having orgasms ( those things that some women pretend to have to keep the peace,or maybe HIS piece hanging round?) . I'm no expert...but i'm willing to learn. I was waiting for Kelvin to end with something like, "we fell madly in love again...got my house back etc and now we're living 'heavily' ever after."

Kelvin sipped on his cold coffee, i nearly choked on mine. Her orgasmical tryst was so intense her blood pressure got out of hand. I didn't know what to say. As a result, his ex had a stroke, lost her memory, became physically impaired for which she travels by train to the city for treatment as presently she is not allowed to drive.

I was still waiting for a happy ending, so i said,"are you now looking after her? She would need constant care." He replied with a sigh,"nup, won't let me drive her into the city, staggers round the 8 acres and house refusing my help."

Again, didn't know what to say so i changed the subject to women various. He told me he took a nice lady out, she had a beloved cat. Whenever he tried to make an amorous move, (that's like offering a woman your lips with face attached or a dry biscuit if they frown...) he said the cat was always in the middle of anything. She raved on and on about the cat, how her pussy would curl up and how faithful, and so attentive, and perhaps how it went to law school, (i threw that in to break the boredom) a pet in full control.

Kelvin started to resent her puss. It was a symbol of her reason for living. He started wishing HE was a tom cat at the very least which in turn may have had the end result of at least a loving pat, perhaps leading to some dry puss food and perhaps a bowl of water purr say. Even a lick of soggy fish offal from a brightly colored can with the face of a pussy mouthing the words,"yum yum!" Or whatever puss's say at mealtimes to make them come.

One night, his female friend went to the loo, whatever. With intentions of coming right back for the glory cat. The cat was licking its paw or such, probably looking at Kelvin and saying like spoiled felines and pets do, "piss off i'm never going to let you alone. Even if you hit the bedroom i'll be in between clawing your face off."

In a mean moment Kelvin impulsively glared at puss, picked it up, walked to the window, threw it out. Only the cat's feelings were hurt. More so the owner's, who became distraught, yelling, "where's my puss for God's sake?" Kelvin told me he's a lousy liar so he replied with as straight a face as he could muster, "maybe it went outside?"

He didn't ever visit again. The puss in boots had given him that. I mean some people's pets go to bed with them. A tip here, check out a lady with a pet goldfish. Surely the darn thing wouldn't start burrowing under the doona now would it? on scales of one to ten! I mean what if the she pet lover had a pet python or a mountain lion? You would not only be bereft of mountin' after lyin' that you loved her mountain lion, your new love could recoil, get snakey and tell you to well and truly hiss off?

I remember a guy told me once that he was about to make whoopee to his girl but she had just purchased a small cute dog that just sat and stared at the strange goings on with its ears pricked up and consternation on its face. She refused to put the dog out so he de prickled, paused, and went home.

Imagine if the lady was a camel trainer, owned a house trained camel, asked the guy whilst she was making him a cup of tea, "would you like one hump or two?" alluding to the dispensation of sugar cubes which as we all know end up in humps because they get moist and stick together when you steal them from places of eat. And don't tell me you don't!

What if your new love said that she'd accommodate you after her 200 year-old turtle left the room? Look, i have to go, these two hundred pound turtles are so hard to chuck out a window...so i've heard. What if your new love had a pet Plaice swimming in her hot tub? Would it know its place and swim upstream? What if she had a pet rhino that couldn't get out of the road because it couldn't get traction on the lino? What if she had a pet husband you didn't know about?

Life is fraught with so many obstacles, i think i'll watch that English guy Dynamo, wonder if he can make pets disappear?

The "what if" is all supposition. I'm meeting Kelvin at his local watering hole, he reckons there's some strange people drink there. Fortunately pets aren't allowed...have a great day. Feel sorry for his missus, it's a shame couples though separated can't just kiss and make up, without the heavy pet in? What if the lady of your dreams has a pet hate? NOW we are getting somewhere! Trouble is her pet hate maybe is you? Sit Boo Boo? Cheers.



About the Writer

Bio...bioio...daylight come an i wanna go home. Come missa tele man tele me banana. A banana tele? Seriously would like to hook up with other comedy writers to engage.
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