Dr. Fried,world's foremost Pigmalion Rind Meader.
Good evening. Good mourning. And they were. The President elect of the Bay of Pigs (B.O.P.) North of Ham, JUST bopping along in his Presidential sty,was dying. Needed a human heart valve urgently. Non available. I was brought in to monitor and emotionally evaluate the President's health re: the insertion of a plastic human heart valve to enable Pres to function and live not in a Pigmalion Utopia, but as a symbol that making a pig of oneself in B.O.P. is possible despite the odds against. He was rather an awe inspiring pig. You may have met him in your deli? Some say the day he signed the formal consent for pigs to fly was what initially caused Pigmalion panic. Pres got out of bed one morning,stalled, flew off the handle before his handlers and minders could catch him on the trot. Fly by disaster. Heart valve left flapping. A Freudian slip of the wings if ever i sore one...and his whirr...ended in flip flop reticence on life straw report...limited bopping. Most human shrinks whom i totally disagree with regarding 'Hamlet' being within a pork salad Annie bulls roar of my latest book; 'if the Pig Fits Hoof it' or my 'Frying To Fly will Stuff a Pig's Boot but sitting in the Pan acting like Peter isn't much of an alternative or much chop either- is a mute point of argument for those with an angst to rind?' So,i, Dr. Fried world's fourmost, maybe fivemost, Rind Meader, Pigmalion consultant devoted to the health and well being of Pig's mental and physical health, will, after this brief ad, fill you in. "Are you constantly seeking a pair of jocks that don't rind up in your backside so, that you are then constantly forced to get up and become a nit picking boar because you have disturbed same? Buy Dr. Rind Meader's 'one size fits all' nit knockers. Cleverly placed lead knockers sewn discretely into your jocks react to nit movement quasi vibrationary signals. Your lead knockers which are muffled, knock the nits out. Initial tests knocked the wearer out but my 99.9% nit flee nit knockerouters and inners, are now sanctioned with all leading nit suppliers. If you are not happy with your knockers return them within 30 days and you'll receive your 'nit back' paddy wack excess unknocked out nits-minus packaging fee-with no questions asked. Ring now nitwits and receive absolutely free of charge, a nit cookbook. PLUS, a free quick wit knit kit to match the color of your recently returned unhappy knockers which out nit wit on the assembly line will repackage and send it back to you through my nitwit call centre, which is based offshore as the nitwit tax department in America seems to be in direct competition with sanity. IE: they stand round scratching their knockers like a pack of nitwits! "Pigs ass you say!" End of sponsored commercial, back to Pres, the hoary pain story continues. (knock on my door...not from loose knockers) Nitwit Pres is wheeled in for his suitability to receive human replica heart valve.
Dr. Fried: " Pres how are you?"
Dr.Fried:" Well sir,you live in one, how is your state of mind regarding the 'Bay of Pigs' and your recent pain threshold which i heard down the hallway? What i'm saying sir with due respect Pres for your failing knocker, is, would you prefer jock knockers to knock nits,or, and i say in jocular fashion, a replica heart valve. The plastic beat of human kindness replicated because the Pig surgeons can't find a real one. Or at least someone who is willing to donate with the knowledge that you remove a H valve and all comments thereafter become gushing and nullified."
PRES:" Listen idiot...you can shove your lead knockers nitwits are buying. I'm ready to go, are you ready to give way to my proposed op in the hay hey?"
Dr. Fried:" You are of sound mind and body sir, in my estimation, hold on a jock and i'll get you scrubbed and ready to run the country after the plastic gadget has been sewn in and in no time you will be able to gasp normally...we'll talk after the op...may all your gasps be even sir...the pig people hold you in their hairs of a night time. (mumble to myself) "Truth be known part of the problem!"
PRES:"What are you mumbling about...to yourself?"
Dr. Fried:" I was saying sir to myself in humble mumble...God be by your stall side, to sow or not two or three sows...that is the vexion?"
PRES:" You and your Shakes gear. Sewn in lead nit knockers indeed...after my op i'll see you thrown out of the sty of mental health BY your knockers!"
Dr. Fried:" ...are you saying sir, you want to BUY? or bye?" ( I don't like bad language so i won't repeat the answer). Rang the surgeon. Pres is, as i grunt, in surgery. I would like to flog an ad but i have to attend a friend's op to be there in case he changes his buying mood mode."
Time is on the trot. I pace and pray our Pres will recover and his stalled stall grunting with the aid of a human rep valve will enable him to make an oink of a decision. The Bays of Pigs listen intently to Mozart as they go quietly about their business in their nit -free knitted knocking jocks. Will the head Pig be able to talk? Will he regain his once stalled position?
(one month later) One month later, i stand talking to the intensive op nurse and a bleary-eyed Pres. "How is he nurse?"
"The President has regained his health. He has been snorting for you."
Dr.Fried:" Ahhh, hope he hasn't picked up the human trait?'
NURSE:" He's fine, but he has nits...keeps mumbling something about Dr.Fried is the only pig who can save his bacon?"
Dr.Fried:"Mmm...Fried beacon, and scrambled heads...right up my alley nurse...can you hear me Sir?"
Pres:" itching...itching to get back on board. They say you can't make a plastic human heart valve out of a sow's ear but it's a case of having to purse my lips and be thankful for being alive. How much are your nit knockers...i didn't mean to knock your nit knockers because if you have nits or ants in your pants you can't be knocking nits in the assembly in front of your most ardent knockers on the one hand and try to dismiss nit picking with the other."
Dr. Fried:"Sir, it reminds me of a case whereupon a colleague of mine spied a Scarab Beetle on his window, he came to all sorts of mental buzz interpretational floss. Indeed, i had a nit stall, land in my soup, the ensuing wavelets caused by the gravitational suicidal dive demise lead me to believe that nitwits from ancient times once landed in Egypt from a far- off planet. Then took off."
PRES:"They couldn't have been that stupid...they took off again! What is your gut feeling as a shrink? Do you bend towards Scarab Beetles and tea leaf interpretation?"
Dr.Fried:" Mmm...not really, if for example one landed in my tea i wouldn't bend, i'd flick it out with my hoof...throw the tea out and leaf it be. Now nit interpretation i have had a hand in. My theory,and it's only a theory, is, if you can scratch up enough nits to form/resemble a government, you'll find that the majority, if not already off the planet, will, in collision with colleagues, form an- out- of- this- world trough most of us humble run-of-the-swill nit scratching pigs would be envious of. And would wallow in quite happily. Wearing my drip- dry jocks. Did i mention my..."
PRES:"Do you get your money back if you're not happy?"
Dr.Fried:" Well...if you can duck,dive, you may...but i wouldn't go float a loan as i've said to many a porker/person, many a dime, leave it up to the humans sir, they are the superior race. Don't bite the hand that feeds us. Those there humans sir, they'll snort it all out. I know you're going to say again demonstrably aghast, "pig's ass!"And when you think about it, that's all we've got to take care of. Save one's bacon first sir, that's my advice. Actually when you think about it we're not that many troughs of evolutionary thought process away sir! You have a good slip sir and we'll talk about the 'Bay of Pigs' or even the ' pay of Biggs' the great train robbery fellow who really didn't gain much grunt in the end. Now if you value your health sir don't over exert the plastic. That's another thing best left to those humans who tend in rash or rasher moments...to act just like us sir. Shhh the nurse has dozed off. Sleep..."