"I should never have gone there or done that." How many times do you hear that? Whether in conversation or overheard.
Should never have married "for better or curse, richer or poorer, til Darth do us part." Assuming you're a science fiction afficienardo.
But you did. We all learn or burn through our mistakes. Mistakes heal. Sure they irritate, but with that irritating memory or recollection we gain something. Scratches.
My name is Fred. I'm a man. Fred, being the abbreviational for Manfred.
My troubles began with the internet, a web of lies. "Auction tomorrow in Zanzibar place. desert ships that will hump you to far off lands. Cash only. No warranty, no humpbacks returnable. The person who sent the humpback whale back please be advised, although it sounds fishy, our auction in Finland specifically stated, "no fin can be done about your cash back, when we said it would shrink when placed in water and fit in your goldfish bowl we gave you advice that was oceans away from what you envisaged. Many lighthouses away from the illumination of truth. Truth be known most bargains shrink upon unwrapping. Yours didn't. Either attend our 'huge aquarium sale' in Glassgo broke, if you try to shove a humpback in a goldfish bowl, or we could ship the whale to 'oceans away' retirement centre. Free Willy has left, there is one vacancy. Please advise of your intentions as i want to take a bath and as you can imagine it's rather difficult trying to scrub ones back with a whale singing a mournful song down the plughole, plus the high rise owners expressly said, no fishy business in or around the bathroom...unless your goldfish needs space to tryout for the Finish goldfish Olympics."
I ask yews, what sort of a gullible person purchases a humpback whale,unseen,cheap and all as it was. Without measuring the goldfish bowl first. In the middle of a drought. Had to go get the whale i returned. Hell of a job getting it out of the bath. Flopping down the stairs. Struggling to load it on to the roof racks of 50 Finish whale taxis. You should have seen the stares i got,when exhausted, i dropped in to a small dim lit bar east of Eden, dumped the giggling humpback on the bar, asked for a 400,000 litre glass of seawater for Willy 2, a small coke for myself, with ice. Do you know how much they charge for a small glass of coke with ice, East of Eden? Don't ask! Smart ass barman says. "this is ridiculous! a Giraffe walked into a bar last week...knocked itself out. Do you know it's illegal for a humpback to drink in a bar? I pointed to the humpback of Notre Darme sipping soda through a straw. Laying back on the bar. "What's he doing here then?" "He's eighteen and he doesn't sing mournful songs when humping" came the rather terse reply. He had a valid point "Is your companion eighteen?" I rummaged in Willy's wallet, "no...he's seventeen and a half." "Well then," snarled the surly barman, he snatched the 400,000 litre glass of seawater out of Willy 2's fin and poured it down the bar sink. "Get out!" And take your blubbering mate elsewhere."
I took the blubbering Will to a nearby pondage of whey,though i got a sour look from the owner. Talked him into letting Will stay overnight prior to letting him return to the sea of his choice. Will cracked a wobbly, wanted to go back to the bar. Stating the obvious when i said sadly "no Will." "Well, my loyal friend "sulked Will, "where there's a will there's a whey."
I didn't laugh because i told Will that was a corny joke and he shouldn't try to milk jokes whey out of his depth. He turned a bit sour. Started singing,"i've got a woman whey over town...killer whale body...she's good... and free!" I took Will down to the beach to stretch his limbs. Said a last goodbye. He rested his head on my shoulder and cried. "You must go Will, sea you." I stood waving as Will walked back towards the bar. I mean he loved human company. He was nearly of drinking age and what was good enough for the soda sipping humpback was good enough for Will. Eventually Will realized if he hung round bars,specially the sand type, he would either end up a crying drunk OR beached. Last i heard of Will, he had latched on to a hot young thing, went to water over her. Had a family, they were all good swimmers, except the youngest. Got hooked on the net. Parents got him off. Straight back on the net again. Kid's! they drive you to drink.
There i was in Zanzibar . Out of the bar which gave me the Willy's. Away from barred Willy, into the sands of East Africa. Auction of desert ships. I had learned my lesson. i inspected the rather cross looking old humpless camel. Had a lot of sand miles up. Bit of rust round the tailgate. I was told the deleted humps allowed the streamlined camel shape to cut through the air. Eric the camel had won the Kentucky Derby but was disqualified for spitting on the line. Actually over Ms Universe who was holding the line. See Ms Universe forgot to let go after the race started, so Eric wasn't going to drag a woman round the track. The horses could have trod on her. Eric was awarded the hump of valor for saving her life in the line of duty and spit. Was fined for spitting in public...had his hump taken off him. Life's a bit like that.
The auction started. I outbid everybody. I won. I introduced myself to Eric. Told him to fuel up for a seven day run back to the coast. What i didn't notice was that Eric had a slight leak. Eric said it was nothing. I hoisted Eric on my back and set off in the heat of the daze as i was told that was the best time to carry a camel on ones back. The shadow from its body provided a goodly amount of shade. Eric asked if i would like to take turns in carrying him. It was then i realized Eric wasn't going to make it. His thinking was askew. He was coming out with absolute rubbish. He started to tell me that he had aspirations to be the next President of America. My mouth was cracked and dry. I cracked a laugh. Eric said he had flies out advertising his aspirations. "Don't you mean flyers Eric?" Eric spat out."I said flies!" Damn me if i didn't stagger past a a sign held up by buzzing flies. 'ERIC FOR PRESIDENT.' I realized then and there we were both in dire trouble. We didn't have a hope in reaching America in time for the re-election.
We were sun crazed burnt and blistered. Hill upon hill of never ending sand. The hot gasping breath of Eric seared my blistered ear. I loosened Eric's tie. Lucky he was wearing an open necked shirt.The vultures hovered on the thermal currents. They glided, chided us. Yes, have you heard the word? Of the mocking bird? Eric's leak had stopped. We were both spent, exhausted beyond human and humpless camel endurance. A desert lizard scuttled in a frenzied attempt to escape the heat. It lay half buried. It too, was waiting for our demise. For its share of the spoils. It gave the speckled thumbs up to death for death seemed inevitable. Eric started crying. A tear splashed,supped up by the lizard. Antagonistically triumphant of expectation. A fleshy reward. My last tortured act as we both writhed. I wrote in the sand HELP. Eric,ever the would be politician aspirant wrote, GOD HELP AMERICA. I COULD HAVE BEEN PRESIDENT. The lizard wrote, BULLDUST! you haven't got enough votes!
Then, silence. A distant hum. I told Eric to stop humming. He said he wasn't humming. Told the Lizard to stop humming. The Lizard said it wasn't humming! I started praying. "God please take me and spare Eric. Had he the right people behind him he could have been President." I'm like that when i'm dying. I always put other camels first. The star spangled banner came over the crest of the distant sand hill about a mile away. Eric put his binoculars to his nostrils and sneezed. "Bless you Eric." Eric smiled. "No, my friend...God bless America." Eric let out a camel shriek! "I can't believe this! it must be a mirage...a humpback whale driving a hummer with the President of the United states sitting beside him!"
It was Willy my old friend. The President stepped out, splashed water on our grateful faces. We both saluted. Will had a whale of a grin on his happy face. "Will! how did you find me!" "Well Fred, man, i thought of the silliest thing you would do and you mentioned in the bar when we were in the Mens room that you were going to an auction of humpless camels in East Africa. Eric's aspirations although rather on the dark side are well known. And out of Africa. I rang the President, he was astounded to hear of Eric's ambition...wanted to see for himself."
The President smiled and nodded. "Yes guys, as Will said, had to see this for myself, i mean the thought of a camel being President of the United States, or even to be nominated, quite frankly, it gave me the Willies!"
Look America, don't worry, you'll get over the hump. Eric did. This piece may sound ridiculous but how many times have we heard from the smart ass pundits,"my horse could do a better job, my leaking camel could do a better job." Rubbish.
Oh, and i hear you say Whales don't drive? What about the Duke of Wales.? What's good for the Duke is good for a gander? Have a great humpless weekend. Is there such a thing? And keep out of the sun. And away from bogus auctions. Unless you have a large whale bowl. Or somewhere to sail a humpless desert ship?