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Saturday, November 18, 2017

This modern whirl of electronic is something else. RIGINAL

by riginal (writer), moe australia, July 08, 2014

What ever you do always carry a gaggle of 9 volt batteries and a pocket full of AAA batteries simply because "batteries are not supplied!" how many times do you have to be told?

MODERN. riginal.

Remember as a kid if you were cold you put a jumper on, alternatively you stood there whingeing til you were blue in the face at either end. Like the old joke," if you want red cheeks jog with your shorts down." In short, you toughed it out, made blue, or made do. If you went camping and you were cold you chucked an extra tassle edge surround ground blanket on. An erection was easy if you were camp inclined. You made a triangle of posts either end,couple of horizontal sticks stuffed through looped or sewn slab sided heavy canvas rectangles. No prefab windows.

You didn't wash a lot because the water was mostly cold and you found moth exits when it rained,

Fires were clumsy. You either had a small smokey one or one the fire brigades loved to admonish you for after it got out of control and your canvas shelter became the headquarters for the local wildlife that reasoned the fire wouldn't melt the tent because humans cooked outside the tent and only a fool would canvas an indoor hot to trot dead heat inside a canvas tent which smoked a bit round the edges, so the refugees of the forest played snakes and ladders, the kangaroos sat patiently...on your head, until the danger passed. Or, until the humans packed up and went home, dragging their hoses behind them. "We don't camp on their property...so fair bounce of the Kangaroo" big Red may rightly admonish.

Now you can buy enough lightweight camping gear to house many jumpers. Sorry, delete the thick dew impregnated jumpers. You don a heated jacket the Don would be proud to attach a piece of concrete to. I'm exaggerating. Kangaroos didn't sit on ones head. The snakes did. There are no Don's in Australia. Just devious funny grass grown in tropical secluded places away from prying eyes...no one would ever camp there in a million years or at least a month of Sundays.

And you thought the watered clearing was for campers. Until the police helicopter lands there but your tent is manufactured to withstand gunfire, gale force whirlybird flutter, and an invisible double stitch teflon invisible zip to keep bikies at bay and will support the weight of a dozen or so drug police pulling the grass premature 'xmas' trees out by the roots. At the same time earning a respite from this tedious root pulling, banging into the tent. By exchanging shots with the bikies who are really peeved at watering the trees for weeks only to see it burned before their handcuffed disbelieving eyes...swearing to kill everyone in the bright red multi glow-super tent that attracted the drug squad helicopter hovering over millions of acres of green. Had you purchased a green multi glow tent the bush growers probably would have just unzipped the invisible zip which you find hard to find, and warned you politely to move on, after you promised "so help me... good God!...that's a big club!" not to tell or breath a word to the DS. But no, your missus egged on by the screaming kids, chose the ' flashing chopper attracting' multi glow red tent. The type that screams at the sky,"come on down fellas, we have foreign grass up to our armpits." Red x marks the spot

I'm only kidding...our bikies are solid hard working honest people out clubbing-people in red tents if they could get their handcuffs off. So after your missus and kids float away on the congratulations of "well spotted campers!" and residue "high and bye"from the remnant burnt grass and the cops wave,the bikies shake their handcuffs. You chuck some left over green leaves on the thermostatically controlled fire proof stove with sat nav electronic beep to warn of incoming bikie clubs. You adjust the thermo heat to 'high' on your heated bright yellow camp jackets. Everyone has a sniff of 'bush green tea' (safe to eat, drink, or smoke, after the 'bushman's portable monitor' recognizes the growth as 'SAFE'). Only you didn't read the instructions because the 9 volt battery that sets off the verbal- "warning don't touch, this is bikie's fodder not green tea from the hills of Ceylon so, so long...high time you slept high,"- wasn't supplied with the kit and never are.

Don't you just hate that! It's enough to make you eat your batteryfied long johns and if you had a club you'd wack the multi glow red tent salesman over the head. That's okay though, something that you can mull over after the big sleep.

Yep, the great outdoors with your automatic pull ring can warmer. Automatic hot water preheat recycled radiator water you can shower under with confidence that it won't spring a leak because the 'leak detector' relies on a 9 volt rechargeable battery which wasn't supplied and you didn't buy one and the radiator is now empty and you're all sleeping soundly and in the distance the sound of a Harley? Now who the hell rides a Harley out here in the never never instead of a motocross bike?

Ahhh! It's the salesman from the multi glow red tent club with a box of 9 volt batteries. Perhaps? And a new radiator seal,radiator water...or is it the salesman?

Seriously, i went camping with my son for a weekend. His missus is a genius at putting those newfangled spar insert multi sheaved tents with inbuilt floor, roll out windows, clips catches zippy zips, tent peg automation etc-together. I told her to stand aside. Hangers to hang water bottles, foolproof, easy peasy. She stood there hands on hips. Shook her head like only a woman does. Ms Camper pulled most of the unequal length spars out that looked like they belonged there that took me til sundown to insert. Didn't call me names. Just handed my son and me a large water container each. "Do you think you could fill these with water?"

Staggered back with the water. Do you know when you fill an empty lightweight plastic container with water it becomes as heavy as...well... water? Had trouble finding the tent among 100 similar fabric igloos. Why the hell she didn't buy a red one beats me? Everyone else did! Why don't they put numbers on them? There it stood. Erect. Kids asleep. One woke up as i tripped over the entrance lip you're supposed to step over. "You're silly poppy!" Kids! They come out with the darndest stuff. My son's missus grinned,"do you two think you could make several cups of green tea...tonight?" Women! they come out with the darndest things. Rarely went camping with mum and dad. They erected a canvas tent on a gale day on the beach. They started arguing, we got sand blasted, skinned alive. Tent blew over. They packed up, argued all the way home.

Arguably a great day? I mean why go camping when you can argue in the comfort of your own home? Change of scenery i guess?

4bushman's calculaterto clear the nostrils



About the Writer

Bio...bioio...daylight come an i wanna go home. Come missa tele man tele me banana. A banana tele? Seriously would like to hook up with other comedy writers to engage.
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