Tuesday, October 16, 2018

Can you Digest their crap? RIGINAL.

by riginal (writer), moe australia, July 03, 2014

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! you must send your free free free numbers in please don't chuck it in the with vim!


When i was a kid i was a sucker for competitions. I had this 'perchant' (the sucker perchant bird that is tied up as a decoy to attract other birds by its flutterings). Tied up in imagination and i used to try to attract my mates, telling them that competitions were fair dinkum (i believed) and you could win prizes...lots of them! Please bear with me. I have a question.

American comic had a picture of a BB slug gun as a prize if you colored in a picture on the back page and i was a good budding artist. The teacher said i had the machinations of an art teacher if i stayed on but art was frowned on. My brother was a carpenter and if it was good enough for Jesus... Started coloring the picture in. My dad the realist went off. "Load of bunkum, it's a scam!" I threw the picture in the bin...actually i think i was starting to get the picture of emerging from the naive cocoon of youth to the adult world of grim reality. I didn't blame my dad as times were tough with a large family and dreaming was a luxury our neighborhood couldn't afford. Even though i won a small amount of dough for coming in second in an art prize competition because according to the judges i would have won but the kid with the expensive coloring set was like comparing a black and white tv to a colored version. Incidently, does anyone own one of those comic book air guns?

Dad's comment was "you never put enough brightness in your coloring,you could have come first!" but my parents could only afford red and black basic colored pencils and i wasn't going to take on a paper round to buy a dear set of multi-colored pencils because...i was too busy chasing the young sheila down the road. I mean you have to get your priorities right so that you developed/evolved into a responsible adult which i found extremely difficult to do. Still do. I mean guys, would you rather get up in the freezing cold to deliver the news to grumpy old people or be told off by grumpy old parents to piss off and leave their daughter alone? I mean we kids were forced to wipe our bums on the news and it was only a study that showed up in later years that newsprint could precipitate rectum cancer that raised alarm bells, or in this case balls, if you had them. I was oblivious to what cancer or rectum meant though the parents of the girl i used to fiddle round with promised me a kick up mine if i didn't desist. Didn't really know the meaning of desist either...neither did the pretty dark haired girl i hedged my bets with. Dreamers we were. Couldn't afford reality. The lips of reality just didn't taste as good as hers,with the aid of her big sister's bright red lipstick.

Time stumbled on like a drunken sailor walking the gangplank of Obama care expecting to soldier on unhurt-ignoring the fact that he's a sailor. I'm drifting... medically so- the sailor! I still hadn't quite shaken off the "something for not much effort" competition mode whether it be lip synch 'pucker up' in the hedge, or when my highly knowledgeable mate steered me away from hedge'pucker' to chewing gum wrappers that had a FULL alphabet printed on the edge.He assured me by scouring the ground for yellow Wrigley chewing gum wrappers, pon finding a full alphabet (usually only a few letters) i would be the proud owner pon presenting said wrapper-of a box of freebie gum.

Found a full alphabet printed wrapper after weeks and weeks of searching. Rushed into my local milk bar brandishing the wrapper. Only to hear the frowning shopkeeper guffaw out a word i didn't understand which these days is the abbreviation of many many sentences used by many of governmental scoff. "Bullshit kid!"

I learned a lesson that day and many years after it still haunts me like a waterlogged drunken sailor with scant medical cover. DON'T take any notice of people,kids,family pets, whom you think, in a weak moment of implicit trust, have a far superior knowledge of the world than self...because they bloody well don't! As an example, is your budgie chewing on a box of free Wrigley chewing gum?

Maybe that's a bad example. The budgie wasn't afforded the chance to fly out of its cage to LOOK for a distinctive full alphabet wrapper leading to a beak full of unrelenting freebie chomp. Nest we forget. Birds eschewing of a feather don't necessarily chew gum together.

Now here is my beef. The ubiquitous READER'S DIGEST!!! The competition to end ALL competitions!

Hark back to the early days of Reader Digest.

Even though they sent your parents or those that think they weren't born of parents, a truckload of Digests at a time, they were shiny and digestible. You felt obligated to wallpaper your inner walls with them didn't you? Useless for wiping your bum because of the sheen which meant slippery dip.

I even sent a few articles in, jokes etc bout 30 years ago. Strange thing is they badger you to death and if you have ever succeeded in piercing the D page with your guff you have my admiration, or your father's, who part owns the mag? God sent a piece in about 'unwanted Digest scripture' and was told his 10 commandments sent in some time previous could not be considered as he hadn't renewed his earthly subscription before ad blab got all out of hand.

Now, here is my point of conjecture and i don't care if i'm sued. How crass is it for a once reputable Reader to resort to shabby shambolic tactics and come- ons like "hundreds of thousands of dollars to be won,send your lucky number in. This envelope containing YOUR 'thousands' is within your grasp." Reams and reams of crap, recyclable garbage of modern postable paper money chase. Have any one of you people EVER won anything? Of note? And why should we be bombarded with unwanted cd's, etc etc etc that most can't afford in these times with the outrage of having to pay postage to send their recycled trees and goods back?

It aint all truth either. A diabetic Company owner saved by a transplant -as if they're the answer. They're not. A transplant as opposed to insulin injection my doctor told a last resort as the implant itself can kill you because the eyelets transplanted must be treated with anti-rejection drugs. This act alone can leave your immune system open to ingress of many complications and that's why my doctor advised that he would only recommend it for me as opposed to injections as a last resort. Check with your doctor if you don't agree.

Also, much was made of the Company Director's state leading up to the transplant. "He was talking to the board and suddenly no one could understand what he was talking about." Simple folks, he was having a hypo which means the brain's glucose is not of sufficient strength to enable cognitive rational thought. Suffer from it constantly. Pollies non diabetic do.

If given a can of coke,jelly beans, biscuits etc, normal speech pattern and rational thought would have returned within a very short time. But the article implied differently to 'spice' the story a bit. Beat up, the official term?

There's been some wonderful stuff exfoliated from the pages of the Reader's Digest by acclaimed writers,that is a given.

Why then does a publication of merit that was once highly regarded, although even in the beginning, pushy, have to be so bloody minded monetarily? I fear i have answered my own question.

Come on you Digest lovers. Prove me wrong in that RD has lost touch and is just another claptrap paper roll of millions of wasted ad copy junk mail jamming your already paper weeping letterbox. Perhaps if your box were live and could talk, disgusted at your blatant carrot dangling unwanted fortune cookie genre. No doubt the company run by ad men whose weekends are probably spent in the verbal call centre gym strengthening their waffle from far away...and the further the better, father. Paper Tiger no roar? Like your opinion. Any opinion? Can't digest it either, reader? Cheers.Bit like those plastic car keys that fit a prize...a plastic car?

Does anybody in authority of government in lieu of prizes proffered in competitions ever check or have the authority to investigate same? I know you can win thousands in the RD offer but methinks it's an 'RS deal' much ado about scamming.

About the Writer

Bio...bioio...daylight come an i wanna go home. Come missa tele man tele me banana. A banana tele? Seriously would like to hook up with other comedy writers to engage.
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