DES DIG M' DEEPER DRUMMING UP AGAIN. RIGINAL.
Des Dig M Deeper your friendly furtive funeral director here.
I am at loss to explain why my new "die now pay later" rent a plaster blaster body scheme has had little response.
Let me recrap on my offer.
It is a given that we are all going to snuff it one day.
I hear yews say "that's s nuff!"
Well for this week only i am extending my offer. "What on earth are you talking bout!" I hear you say.
My offer isn't earthly at all. This is my deviatorial deviation from dig dig dig bang you in the ground snuff it stuff.
What i intend doing is make a plaster cast of your living existing body. With your final 'options' approval. You may want bits and pieces added or subtracted...like your bank balance, the mother-in-law, people you don't really like. Like your tax consultant or the idiot investment planner that invested all your hard earned nest eggs in failed nesting boxes.
Egg nests went out with button up boots, we of course have progressed to cartons. Made specially so that only 3 eggs do NOT stick to the carton. Why they slap glue on the chooks behind's prior to the chooks staggering from one hole t' the other to fill said carton holes is beyond me? Imagine you're a chook previously dropping your eggs in a warm nest.
Next minute you are turfed out like a reticent pollie from his nest at the local bar and made to lay eggs, staggering round from one carton to the other to fill the holes which i have on very good authority can cause rickety legs and arthritis via jumping and hopping all over the place like a demented chook on an unstable non adjustable pogo stick.
But most pollies are happy to do that. They aim to fill the holes but after a while they tend to wander off to the bar again. Staggering home with egg on their faces. More the reason i say why chooks should not be allowed to imbibe of booze purely because of the fact that pissed chooks shouldn't be allowed to just rock up when they feel like it, plus the fact that alcoholic eggs can cause erratic driving. Shellshock even.
You are saying and it's your prerogative to speak as in America like most towns people power will triumph over evil fowl conditions. Exactly my premise for bringing drunken eggs up under to face tickled scrutiny.
I can sense you're wavering. And well yews might be. It's not easy to lay a dozen eggs whilst you're driving. If you are currently doing this please don't let me disturb yews, but bear in mind, even if a bare mind is driving, some people view lay about behavior in a car ton as next to wrestling with a hyper chick who refuses to wear her seat belt.
Want more proof? Take the case of Terry Rooster versus Rooster Terry in 1928 (he represented his alternate him using reverse psychoeggery) who imbibed of one too many alcoholic eggs in the prohibition days when REAL rum alcoholic eggs were served, plus all the pullets you could eat from the machine guns of well known crook cooks Bonnie and Clyde.
Terry was pulled over and forced to spit pullets in an egg sobriety test by Smelliot Ness. I say Smelliot because the poor law enforcer man and his men were so busy smashing illicit illegal grog barrels they didn't have time to wash. Terry was made a scapegoat and used as an example to all to deter illegal sucks.
Terry was sent to the upper nesting coop house after being henpecked by a Ms Featherstick who sent Terry on a wing and a prayer to the slammer which broke Terry's heart and nine of his freshly slammed eggs.Terry escaped but was seen on Google and captured by his tube on you tube. A dedication to Terry can be viewed in the New Yolk Times but you must be over eighteen alcoholic eggs to view same which in turn could have you arrested,sent before the beak, and possibly sent to Alcatraz to nest. Begs the question...to nest or not to nest? Maybe only a question a Lay Preacher can answer in hindsight. If in fact you do have an unsightly hind i would advise to quit trying to lay in cartons which brings me back to the point of burial.
Back to my initial plan which involves a plaster of Paris simile of you. Your simile is fired to land within three feet of the Pearly Gates.
Thus you will be way ahead of yourself when the world finally ends. God will read your profile in your egg carton ($60 extra option charge) and therefore have a rough idea of where he'll put the real dead you. But i have it on good authority that if you don't put all your nest eggs in the one pair of cartons you'll at least end up with six nonstick eggs. Please don't scramble to take up my offer but unfortunately those dead heads in charge of the egg department will ask you,"are you sure you didn't handle your eggs roughly? The carton looks like it has been sat on?" Good Lord if you're driving along laying eggs obviously there's bound to be some crack ups. I rest my burial eggs in your capable hands and don't worry about dying.
The Government won't let you, they'd rather kill you with their 'nest egg' taxes...the baskets! You may say "get out of town!" I did. Don't ask what the eggheads of your country can do for you...ask yourself what you'd like to do with their egg head nest eggs!"And if you can do it without cracking up please let me know how you did it. If your name's Ronald Vegan dairy i say you're on to something. My plaster is bubbling. Those plasters you put on your cuts, guaranteed waterproof. They bubble up and fall off 99.9% of the time don't they? Then when you complain the chemist tries to tell you as long as you leave the plasters in the box and GLUE the box to the cut with super glue and wear a raincoat over every cut and don't get water on them, they'll stick like sheep to a woolen blanket. I just say "baaah!" I bought a packet of sheep. Covered them with a woolen blanket. They just rolled off. And what about those bloody supermarket plastic bags. I can't get them open still. I asked a ninety- year- old to blow my bag up, she hit me over head with her shopping list...which was stuck to her frozen peas with super glue. Shopping is dangerous. We are surrounded by danger...if you ring now i'll come round straight away plastered, with Paris of plaster...beware you don't get an Eiffel.
Went to buy a canary the other day. The pet shop owner reckons the way you know it's a male canary is when it whistles?
Is that true? I don't know if i can handle a bird. Everything i touch pecks the crap out of me. Maybe i'll buy a lost rabbit from the lost rabbit home. But what if the lost rabbit gets lost again? The news. "A lost rabbit purchased from the lost rabbit's home that was lost again was found today but the loser who lost the previously lost rabbit has had it taken from him as the the loser is at a loss to explain why he keeps losing the lost rabbit." Maybe i'll get a goldfish. The news. "A goldfish ran amok today attacking its owner who forgot to put water in its bowl. Water police surrounded the house calling on the goldfish to drop its owner and come out with its hands in the air. The goldfish came out using its owner as a shield. Its demands were met. A gold pass first class goldfish plane piloted by a reputable loan shark. Does such a rare shark exist on loan? A lost rabbit, a non whistling male canary, and a drink of water. The owner is in a serious but unstable condition...thought to have been activated at birth. Anyone who finds a gurgling non whistling male canary frolicking in a goldfish bowl in Rio with a nonplussed looking loser rabbit please approach the pair with caution. Interpool believe the goldfish may have had dental surgery involving transplanted Piranha teeth. It has already eaten the loan shark pilot. Robbed four aquarium Banks, and bitten a merman on the ass. DO NOT approach this killer as it has had the taste of water and will kill Bill. Its previous owner. Doctor's say the dying owner of the weird experimental burial idea, a Mr Des Dig m Deeper, is appealing to the public to pre pay for their bubbling plaster...as the bloody things just won't stick. Des has made his last will. Out of plaster of Paris. His dependents will face a violent crumble when they find out the family fortune was squandered on the part -time inventor's latest ideas. A canary whistle transplant to enable ALL CANARIES regardless of class color and religion to whistle their fluffy bums off. A rabbit proof fence with GPS grass. A rubber goldfish teeth transplantation that literally sucks because what stupid person would stick his hand in a deadly goldfish mouth containing razor sharp teeth? I just have a note to hand. It just simply says "ME!" In other news to hand, a severed hand was successfully resewn onto to a Rio man's face after having been bitten off by an irate goldfish. The surgeon said "EEEE AHHH!" Enrico came rushing into his busy surgery with the hand clutched to his face demanding it be sewn back on to save face...the surgeon told our reporter that although people will have to now shake hands with Enrico's face it is a good result for an about face. Or at least somewhere about. It's about time for my beauty sleep. I heard THAT snide remark! Have a great big one whatever. Cheers.