Sunday, September 23, 2018

Verging on the veg of no-man's bland, RIGINAL.

by riginal (writer), moe australia, May 01, 2014

You could meat some finger- licking...cow's...of people. Willing to take you out for a bite?


Got a meatless mildy contentious bone to pick with Vegetarians. And meat eaters. Nere the twain shall meat?

Okay I bought a Magic Bullet. No,not the kind you dodge in a vegetable mall when a mad cow runs amok with a meat cleaver trying to convince people they're bananas for carving up animals. Urging meat chompers that it's best to leek on over to the carrot bin to save their furry ides? Guess it's the animal self preservation instinct coming to the fore...and against? Maybe that's why the cows of the world,so I've herd, are banding together to open the windows of their sheds, shouting in unison,"we're not gonna take it anymore!"

Nup, the Magic B blender a cousin perhaps to the American Ninja version which according to its blurb you can chuck chuck in, plus the inlaws accidently, (see pushed?) old Playboy books, old gum shoes, cars, drop of engine oil to take the bitterness out of car mats and hey presto a smoothie to get you up and about to face the maddening cow (see mall?)...sorry...crowd.

Okay, we live and let live. No animal slaughter. Not one hair ruffled. The fish live a full life, die and are consumed by the meat eating crabs that are no longer vegetarians. The scales weigh heavily toward the animals who multiply in their unfettered millions. Even ripoff car 'sharks' are free to hunt suckers. Then one day in the future the methane hits the fan. The meat free fraternity herd, get wind of the fact that humans taste just as good as their scarce bland grass, even those who smoke it.

They slyly filter into the the major cities, disguised as pet cows. They emulate your doggies and start licking thus in an Orwellian infiltrate. Humans love doggies and licking from the cow's bigger tongues at first is pleasurable.

The rampant licking progresses to quick nips then all out masticating indulgence of human flesh. Silly old moos start disappearing off the streets in their dozens. In a replicate of The cars that ate Paris, the cows sniff the perfume of edible Parisians, push turns to bite. The cows that ate Paris get an Effiel/mouthful/lickful- decimating the population.

The cowardly cows,no bull, push humans to near exstinktion. People cower in their houses. Meat eaters start blaming the vegetarians,calling them nuts. Grain of truth? Bananas? Fifty shades of agent orange? In a obscene turn about the cows prefer the vegetarians, fish start to suck vegetarian swimmers. The big O president sends in the army. An all out 'lick out' ensues. War of the Tongue swirls. The soldiers are fitted with prosthetic larger no a flail.

The cows have back up...shit hits the anti-tongue fans. The President is forced to resign...can't meat the wants and demands of a diminishing population who come home from work and are virtually licked to death in the insecurity of their bedrooms. The President takes his family to a steak out. Surrounded by his specially trained tongue guards who are prepared to give their tongues to protect and uphold the raw...steak. The surging cows wait in the dark. Nibbling the odd teat and asking people huddled in fear if they can spare a smoke...even a glass of full cream milk.

Okay this is my point. We are on the horns of a dilemma. People eat whatever they like which is their choice. They then run round the polluted cities in an effort to stay healthy and above ground. Vegies and meat eaters alike shower THEN bathe in after shave...ditto for the men. Then, they jump in their polluting cars and pollute the planet with disregard which to me smacks of nonsensical. Like this post. Suck the energy out of the earth? Would it make sense to eradicate cars,computers etc from our diets somewhat in a temporary relief from the inanity of so called progress? So that everything living thing is awarded the same environment?

A final question. If we all become vegetarians what does the meat industry/workers do? Must go, my lentils are lentiling. Funny how people are so selective bout their internal intake yet the elephant in the resources and healthy room gets totally ignored. Probably cowering in the corner from any would be elephant meat eaters? Or maybe can't see the smog for the human entrees?

Stay well. Next there will be a law forcing cows to floss and gargle after consuming humans. Cow service stations selling low cow ery methane added milk? Now you can't lick that...or can you?

About the Writer

Bio...bioio...daylight come an i wanna go home. Come missa tele man tele me banana. A banana tele? Seriously would like to hook up with other comedy writers to engage.
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