Wednesday, December 19, 2018

Beards, Glorious Beards

by dsnyder (writer), Ft.Lauderdale, July 02, 2007


USA Today has begun to unload its Top 25 of the USA TODAY Era (1982-2007). Every weekday it gives us another member of its top 25 and how they rank amongst each other.

I love these lists because they are totally subjective and get sports fans extremely riled up. They are the spawn of downtime on the sports editorial calendar, they often reek of must, and always leave out role players such as offensive lineman and concentrate on the skill positions.

So I thought it would be appropriate to do a “top athlete” list for Big Dave on Sports.

One of the most important elements that can define a male athlete’s life, career, and overall masculinity is his facial hair (The fact that I have a lovely beard has nothing to do with my opinion on this subject). You take away a man’s facial hair, and you could very well take away his mystique. Look at what happened to Sampson in the Bible.

Welcome to the’s Top 5 Athlete Beards of All Time:

5) Bill Walton- This was one of the most ridiculous beards in the history of sports, and thus is deserving of placement on the list. Walton with a beard looked a lot like an Amish Carrot Top. This ridiculous face fuzz must have struck fear into the hearts of opposing players, and could be the reason Walton is considered one of the best college basketball players ever.

4) Mean Joe Green- Continuing the theme of menacing bearded men, I bring you Mean Joe Green. His beard gave him the power to dominate offensive lineman in the 70’s , yet under that lovely pile of facial hair was a mouth that would advertise Coke products, and a throw uniforms at small unattended boys.

3) Kimbo Slice- I thought it would be a good idea to give the list a bit of controversy. I understand that Kimbo is a relatively new face in the sports world, but what a wonderfully bearded face it is. Let’s put it this way, if you have a problem with Kimbo being number three why don’t you take it up with Kimbo.

2) Ricky Williams- Dear god what a beautiful beard. I am not sure which eastern religion he was trying to accept when he grew his facial hair long, but I am sure that that particular god approved. Imagine how that thing smelled, like pot, patchouli, and sweat. What a wonderfully, smelly man beard.

1) Captain Lou Albano- Perhaps the most
grotesque beard in sports history, and perhaps the most glorious. This salt and pepper haystack of man hair often had things dangling from it in the eighties, and I still question whether they were there for aesthetic purposes or merely itemsAlbano had lost. In the overall sports spectrum Albano is a rather small figure, and some argue whether wrestling is even a sport. But no one can argue that his gross facial hair should not be on this list. And I think it deserves the top spot.

Note: Wilt Chamberlin and Bill Russell were left off this list because the mostly sported goatees for most of there careers, with Chamberlin sporting a whispy mustache during his 100 point game. Granted Albano's beard was goateesque, but it there is enough beard documentation to allow its entrance onto the list.

Further Note: Other beards that deserved recognition for their greatness in sports history may have been overlooked due to my fondness for these five particular beards.

I wonder if things like that ever happen when mainstream media outlets make up their sports lists?

About the Writer

dsnyder is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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1 comments on Beards, Glorious Beards

Log In To Vote   Score: 0
By Gloria88 on June 03, 2014 at 07:24 am

Sport is always amazing pozycjonowanie stron

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