Thursday, July 19, 2018

Ninja and company step aside.RIGINAL.

by riginal (writer), moe australia, April 19, 2014

The world's most powerful internal Gym created by Jim's blend of tongue-out of cheek?


The ad men sat round the table waiting for 'genius' Jim to wheel in his latest 'blender juicer' opposition 'electrified' blender to end all blenders JUICER. "We will not give in! We'll fight them on the beaches. We'll fix blender bayonets and overcharge..." Winston Chuckhill the managing director of 'We are mightier than the poured' pored over the huge graphicational 3D monolith muncher cruncher product. The magic bullet blender juicer had to be out-shot/barreled.

Jim Gym the electrical genius designer blade- runner, unfurled the titanium blander blender's cover to end all blender/juice bull. Three metres tall, base taper radius of three metres. The assembled gasped. Winston introduced.

"Jim! Enlighten us my God man...describe your latest beast." The ad men gaped.

"Thank you sir...may I add men you ad men won't have to wrestle with the anaconda of false ad talk to promotasize this humdinger-'the Beast'. As you can see it's bigger than any current simile on the market shelves. In fact it won't FIT on any shelf. " The A men applauded. "Fang you gentlemen".

The lights in the room dimmed. JG donned ear muffs waved a scrawny brilliant tongue at the shapely 1500 piece beast. One hand heavily bandaged. The beast had bit him during early trials before he had a chance to re-flap the main vane. Indeed, Jim's main hand vein was nearly severed when it roared into its first 6000 revolution per minute maiden cut. Jim had expressly warned his assistant maiden thinker tinker, Ms Tongue, NOT to motion tongue 'cut n' mince up n' down' whilst he was IN the Beast adjusting the angle of the flaps. She got a bit cut up too. Jim came to on the ceiling. He gave Ms Tongue a tongue- lashing. "Ms T ring a doctor" croaked the angry groggy Jim. She was a bit of a smart alec was Ms T. She rang the doctor but couldn't resist poking her tongue out again which started the Beast muttering to itself in confusion. Some maidens are like that. All tongue nonsense. Sorry, all sense. Sorry to butt in I'll hand you back to JG who as I said nearly lost his plus tongue- in- cheek...or more to the point, tongue and cheek.

"Thanks for butting in Riginal. Now before you rudely inter ruptured, I reconfigured the angle of the dangle ballast...on Ms Tongue's tongue because I had to anchor her with blasted ballast to stop her from wandering around waving her tongue and accidently starting the motion sensor which in turn pulps vege, glass, ice maidens, smart asses, and people you don't particularly like, to smoothies." The ad men gasped. Jim poked his tongue out jokingly. "I'm joking ad min and add men. My Beast is totally controllable now. Has only one speed. A ton of tungsten torturing 6000 tongue ton per minute wrap flap warp speed...enough to clear a forest of tongue tied pollies in one fowl swoop. Incidently, my machine only allows ONE fowl swoop to obviate the need for excessive foul play when you're mix and matching. I'm kidding of course. No fowl play with my safe- as- houses beastified machine. However, at full tongue overcross houses can be 'smoothied,' although they must be vacated prior. Of course if my Beast senses humans it automatically shuts down...with the people inside...whole.

Thus if the kids are poking their tongues out when mum's inside cleaning it just waits patiently til mum is climbing over the edge of the disposable cup head and at worst may give her the occasional nip and tuck which I think would appeal to most busy mothers. The machine has been certified surgeon 'overcharge free' as most surgeons don't like blending whilst de-juicing their clients. Of course if the machine senses overcharge, a rubber hand in situ will hit you. Smack you once around your chops but won't drop your chops in the blender. Are their any questions sofa? Whilst I'm on the subject...if you throw a sofa in, the Beast will shred it. Add cabbage, lentils, and a rusty pushbike. You'll be rewarded with a woody vinyl tasting smoothie. With the aid of the bicycle you'll be pushing shit uphill within an half hour whereupon the machine segregated stuffing of the sofa will fill in the gaps. "Are you with me sofa?" the brain of the machine will ask.

"Are there any questions?"

Ad man:"Jim...why is the Beast activated by tongue motion only?"

Jim:" Good question, I reasoned during trials in the field next to the kitchen that mostly the Beast will be used by the lady of the house who indeed has her hands full all day,so what better way to activate a tonne of torque than by a tongue."

Ad man:" Is it foolproof?"

JIM:" Don't know see I don't know if the White-house incumbents will purchase my Beast...may just poke their tongues out at it and keep pushing their policy bikes uphill...that's what they've done sofa...?"

Ad man:" What price range?"

JIM:" Well it really depends how well stuffed the sofa is...nothing to get in a leather over."

Ad man:" Can vegetables be added to the sofa?"

Jim:" No! If the beast senses a pollie sitting on the sofa it will shut down until the vegetable climbs out. Then its voice command deference will state digitally..."I will not puree a human you can go and get stuffed!"

Ad man:" What sort of target is the Beast aiming at...?"

Jim:" As the vegie climbs out over the edge of the main cup, most likely doing the splits? at a rough guesstimate...a big fat ass...?"

About the Writer

Bio...bioio...daylight come an i wanna go home. Come missa tele man tele me banana. A banana tele? Seriously would like to hook up with other comedy writers to engage.
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