Jeeze! got a water bill today for $324. Only me here,a few mice, couple of cockroaches...four ants.
I rang the Waterbored lady to remonstrate. She sounded cute but I wasn't going to be swayed. A trick most women use...they act female. Should be a law against it.
She was so nice and patient. "Yes sir,water may be from God but the water passes through our earthly pipes."
ME: "Yes but God created us so therefore wouldn't he have access to- by sheer dent of that fact that if he hadn't of created dam man- then the pipe layer's wouldn't be on earth so therefore in the beginning if any bill would be forthcoming shouldn't it have come from the same place as the H2 0...ie, Heaven?"
HER:" Certainly, but God is very busy so he let's us act on his behalf, his laptop is broken."
ME:" I shower by myself and I don't turn the shower on to save water as it is a precious resource and should be only used as a last resource-when people near you are holding their nostrils and throwing up!"
HER: "I could come around and fit a restrictor in the shower head which would then restrict your non- flow somewhat?"
ME:" No, I will stick to my 'no turn on' policy."
HER:" Do you realize that if you continue to dry shower this way YOU'LL eventually stick to the bath...assuming that's where you stand when you're having a dry shower?"
ME:" Okay, but in future i'll get water from elsewhere, like direct from above, I'll write a book called- "I can jump puddles."
HER:" Hate to put a damper on your proposed book but it has already been done."
ME:"Damp it all!"
HER:"We're getting nowhere...the argument itself is drying up I'll put you through to God."
ME:"Good God! Why didn't I think of that?"
HER:" Because you're a smelly male. I'm putting you through."
(pitter patter...pitter patter...pick up)
GOD:" Yes? God here after...if you want to speak to me press yes and state your business...if you don't want to be struck down by lightning or your name diverted to an overseas incoherent person who'll ring you trying to sell you something you don't even understand what it is they're trying to flog and if you want a concession on your water bill press NO NO. Alternatively, don't pay the wretched bill, stand outside your house with a steel pipe pointing towards Heaven. This is a recording...like Earthbound communication...it will be a miracle if you get through but don't give up hope. After all it's not over until the smelly argumentive person holding the steel rod pointing towards Heaven gets struck and sings,or singe. This is a recording. Have a shocking day. Or pay the bill."
I paid it. I installed closed circuit tv in the shower head. Footage showed the mice,cockroaches and four ants have been showering behind my back. Honestly, you invite someone over for a crummy meal and they go to water over the bill.
PS: I made the bit up about the phone call to God. May I be struck down by lightning if I lie. And I didn't put closed circuit tele in the shower head. I found out about their water usage when I heard the shower turn off.There was a polite knock on my pillow. I looked up to see the drenched group slipping and sliding around. The head mouse introduced himself. "V for Vermin here. Thanks for the leftovers...where do you keep the crummy towels?" Must stop eating leftovers...been having some weird waterlogged dream conversations.