I was in bed thinking. It's the best place to think and not be distracted, and the SAFEST. I mean how many bed 'head on' side-swiped rear-end collisions occur on our freeways? You never ever turn the news on to be confronted by a slumber sombre- voiced news reader in pyjamas with the 'appropriate grief stick- on- look' "Hello, i'm Roger Scant...in briefs, A WARNING you may want to go to bed and watch this May hem. Obviously if May is finishing off a hem or repairing a hole in hubby's sex...sorry, socks...you may want to look away as the scenes are graphic knit...(clears throat) "a hem," No-one ever does look away. "Heavy fog caused a major 69 bed pile-up today in dow town New York New York. A dow bed driven by Ipark anywhere my dow bed chooses to rest...Smith, stopped to do a bit of pillow talk with his fiancee, Ms Haven't the Foggiest "hop into bed until this fog clears on this major off ramp or until we hear a toot behind which indicates we are blocking the ramp." That innocent behind. Waiting for a toot signifying Horace Hornblower's ABS (A BED STOP) bed brakes weren't applied in time to stop his Queen- sized vehicle which slewed sideways hit May hem- who had her husband hemmed in on the side-walk- was an accident waiting to happen.
The assumption that people slow down when confronted with fog in their beds is a fallacy. Most don't even bother to turn their wind sheet wipers on, preferring to stick their heads in their pillowcases hoping other beds will see their fag...sorry...fog lights.
As a result of the Dow turn around full stop Horace had nowhere to go after bouncing off May but to put on the 'all ords' bed handbrake which is about as useless as making the bed after the horn has bolted. 69 beds lie strewn from the on ramp to the not often on fog warning lights illuminating the bullet riddled warning sign "if you have had more than five speeding beds tonight your bed and contents will be fingerprinted and your mattress clamped.
We will now cross live to one of the less torn bed drivers, "Ms Sharpknickers, when did you realize the bed in front of you had stopped for the fog- waiting for a lift?"
SN:" When i was right on top of Smith's tail bites i saw the quilt lift and a bushy- haired freak type with a cigar yelled out "Ipark Smith and Haven't the foggiest fitted sheets here.May hem across the road. Are you a horn blower with insurance?"
Newsreader: "You ran up his ass and then what happened?"
SN:"I blacked out,when i came to the rescue crew was cutting my mattress up...!"
NEWSREADER:"You were trapped in the wreckage of your bed?
SN : "No, rescue crew wanted smaller beds for their kid's sleepovers."
NEWSREADER:" In your words could you sew up this bedlam?"
SN: "What's to sew up? They'd only cut it up again...every damn thing for the sleepover kids."
NEWSREADER:"Viewers this has been a dark day for the mobile bed industry. People going about their business driving dow town looking for jobs that are non-existent. Spending their last dollars filling their mattress tanks with 'fuel goose feathers' in an attempt to get out of bed before inner spring is sprung and the fog of winter damps in...the ever present damned fog. Causes some people to put their heads under their pillows and shout out in their water beds in muffled indignation... "WE ARE NOT GOING TO FAKE IT ANY MORE!" Viewers the awful fact is no driver was seriously injured in this pile-up which says volumes for the genius that came up with the slogan. "More beds on our roads...adopt a mattress and help stamp out cars because the price of gas, it quite frankly gives me the sheets...king size! As the Irishman said..."doona drive a bed when intoxicated, go to bed and sleep with the goblins until yon fog lifts the Bard and shakes y tail feathers. To Bard or not to Bard...THAT! is the bed question." Sleep tight. Make sure your handbrake's on and you're in gear.