Sunday, July 22, 2018

Where Eagles Dare. RIGINAL.

by riginal (writer), moe australia, March 25, 2014

Clarry was a misfit too lazy to fly in the face of dare.


Just sitting listening to some 'wild boys' in a tattoo parlour in town. The one that was tattooing the Bald Eagle on my armis also a gifted cartoonist. Why a Bald Eagle? Simple. If i ever get kidnapped by American Republicans - apparently they're short of 'gang' members sometimes- they'll lift my tee-shirt sleeve up and say "this guy has good taste we'll brainwash him into thinking he can actually soar like an Eagle and let him fly home to Australia after he registers as a transient voting bird of pray...which apparently Republicans are encouraged to do?" Speaking of sore, my arm is a bit. And i realise i can't fly, my sister called me an idiot so a non-flying bald- idiot so be i. Been called worse.Takes a bit to ruffle my feathers. I've noticed lately when talking to people that some are devoid of tact. In tact i think some are just devoid. "Must fly"...they rush off leaving a trail of 'fly must'. Fly must is basically a residue retort at a barbeque on a hot windy day. Swish SLAP "take that paddy wack...MUST you flies annoy so much? Can't you meat elsewhere?"

The T guy says "let me know if you need a break." The large chap next to me tattooing a walking 'tattoo canvas' asked me what i thought of his work on the back of 'Mr Poster'. Didn't hear him at first so he asked again and stood up. Huge chap. I said "WONDERFUL! man!"...i don't like lying cos i dislike multiple tattoos that appear to make a person disappear into an ink billboard but i also didn't want to be dragged down the main street impersonating a Harley fox tail and tarred n' feathered as this would be painful. Probably smudge the tattoo too.

Got to thinking bout Eagles over a coffee before rebuilding my collapsed fireplace. Dozed off a bit which may have hatched 'Clarry the Eagle.' I have been drinking Green Coffee, reputed to have 30 % more anti-oxidants than green tea?A super bean? Can't stand the taste of ordinary coffee now for some reason. Which is where Clarry the bored Bald Eagle comes in. Clarry was spoilt and couldn't stand much at all...or flying for that matter. You see even though Clarry was hatched a sea- eagle he didn't take kindly to flying, hunting, anything requiring energy or that had the temerity to encourage him into a flap though sea eagle he be. Clarry didn't really like the sea see, it was wet. He preferred to drink green coffee instead of heading out to fish for fish offshore. He told his doting but rather cross mum "mother...i would prefer to be a mascot on an American flag."

Now Clarry's mother had contacts but Clarry preferred wearing horn-rimmed glasses. Mother B E rang the White-house and asked the President's photographer if it would be possible for Clarry to appear on the American Flag alongside the current Eagle. She explained that her son was a tad lazy, refused to make his own nest, just sat round gulping down fish his parents were forced to grab for him after being forced into low dives. Truth be known they wanted the waddling overweight son to get a REAL job instead of sleeping most of the day away with his talons up in the air and his backside taking up the kitchen and bedroom.

The photographer told C's mother to send her son's photo in but warned he didn't hold out much hope unless the American public suddenly developed a bent for double -vision. The result was a phone call full of mirth. "Mrs BE your son wears glasses and his talons are wrong way up and besides he's overweight. Our current Eagle is just fine and dandy why doesn't your kid get off his behind and become a politician...or vice-versa?After all Henry Kissinger wore glasses and even though he wasn't on the flag he used to fly all round the world. A great example for your son."

Mother E was a bit annoyed so the wily bird thought she'd come in the back door...had to, as i already mentioned,Clarry took up most of the nest. She rang on the back door stationary phone because Eagles lived up so high mobiles if dropped could break. Mum left a terse message on the 'equal opportunity bird hotline' no call back. Clarry was offered a position as an assistant to a legal Eagle but knocked it back on the grounds it would be tiring hovering round all day listening to birds of- a- feather fishing for excuses to avoid nesting in places roughly the dimensions of his parent's nest.

Is Clarry starting to sound like a spoiled human or is it just me? Clarry went to see an Eagle shrink at the behest of his worried mum. His dad was worn out and near retirement with very little fish saved. The parents both wished C would fly round to see/sea if he could find a suitable chick to marry- told son so.. Clarry shouted at his parents "Clarry marry? Please don't stick your beaks in my coffee grounds." One early morning when his parents were out at the fish market Clarry accidently fell out of the nest after lunging for the remote to watch his favourite shows 'Flying High' and the ever green coffee sipping stay- at- home R rated male bird favourite'Where Eagles Bare.' The ground was looming up so C did a back flip floated...on thermal...didn't flap, and reached his maximum speed 40klm an hour.

He caught the remote before it dashed itself to death on the rocks dotting the sand. He was just about to walk back up to his parents nest as he was exhausted, when he saw HER sun baking on the beach. Just as the shrink had told him...basically nothing wrong that two beaks in unison couldn't cure. The excited Clarry, wolf-sorry-Eagle whistled at the young bird in the glasses suntanning on her backside,drinking a cup of green tee...talons up in the air. Laid back. She smiled at Clarry as he strolled up. She was reading '50 shades of Grey scaled fish...they're rotten and they'll make you throw up."

The two talked and talked,had so much in common. Although his new friend was basically a bald Eagle she was wearing a blonde wig and her nails were painted bright red. To match the black eyeshadow. And the high heel fishbone shoes. C asked politely "my parents are out shopping would you like to go for a stroll up to yonder nest. She flew at the invitation.

Clarry strolled and arrived half an hour later but that gave his new friend Celia time to put the coffee on, order a bag of takeaway fish and chips, put on fresh make-up, lean back and put her talons in the air. But she was a no-nonsense bird and when the huffing puffing Clarry climbed over the side of his parent's house she sat right way up and told Clarry "no fishy sex until we're married!" They were. And they did. There was only one problem. What with the newly married pair lounging back talons in the air there was no room for the parents. As the newly weds were trying to conceive the parents spent a lot of time fishing. Eventually the parents moved out...became empty nesters in a small self- contained flat plastic flat further down the cliff, a recently renovated fishing tackle box rent free. The fisherman was washed off the cliff when he miscalculated the waves. You see he was a bird watcher waving at Clarry and his missus and their chicks. Clarry remarked to his missus as the waving fisherman hurtled past. "You know dear some fisherman venture where Eagles Dare." Must get back to the fireplace. Fisherman said that too when he surfaced out of the surf.

About the Writer

Bio...bioio...daylight come an i wanna go home. Come missa tele man tele me banana. A banana tele? Seriously would like to hook up with other comedy writers to engage.
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