WANTED-HUGE SQUARE D.I.Y. FEMALE. RIGINAL.
Okay! Getting really really pissed off renovating. I have got falling off a short ladder, tripping over bricks n' things and head-butting horsehair plaster walls down to a fine blind art. I was informed that it is real horsehair? How terrible. I'd hate to be a retired horse. Glued or plastered just because you're old and can no longer jump run or chase a fox. And that goes for the horse as well. I'm sick of chasing foxes. I'm tired. I didn't wash tonight and i don't really care...i may never wash again. Bought a hi-powered cordless drill. Screwing into a seasoned hardwood joist hewn from the bow of Noah's Ark. Drill set on highest torque. Drilled pilot hole (cost a fortune to hire the holy pilot as he was on his way to an audience with the Pope,had to postpone.) then thrust the drill end into the Australian screw made in China,packaged in Africa, tensile tested East of Eden by a cook in the French Foreign Legion, retested by N.A.S.A., repackaged in Beirut, stamped 'made in Germany' by a Chinese go -between who was fatally wounded when Fritz Smith the projectile supervisor shot the go-between who got between the trajectory of the 'Australian' screw and the wooden door he was standing behind...in the behind. Actually i think he recovered but he was never the same because after surgery removed it he was classified as a screw loose.
Why bore on about a simple screw? Well, it snapped off. I believe the un screwing surgeon sent me the original screw from the go-between's ass. Not too sure, but if it is rest assured that screw has given two people the shits although i believe the go-between that got the screw between suffered a lot more pain whereas i just took up a small wrench and broke a piece of plaster off when it snapped again and i fell bruising myself on the vacuum cleaner head. I am not inept, I'm usually quite proficient at screwing when i have a genuine Australian untampered with properly tempered screw handy. Actually i heard later that the screw in question was tested by an engineer heavy metal chap who rang the FFLegion cook who admitted after the thumbscrews were applied by his superior, that he had indeed over- cooked the screw which is still in my joint.
Anyway i'm wandering right off my appeal. I am after a large square woman built like a brick lighthouse or alternative house. The chunkier the better. Huge arms, don't care if there's a Russian forest under each arm. Preferably able to knock out wall obstructions with her forehead. She must have gigantic legs for balance and ballast, once again not greatly worried about nearby forestry as long as it's not too long because i wear safety thongs with metal catches. Haven't got the time to wield a chainsaw through undergrowth or more to the point...overgrowth,to free my thongs from entanglement.
If she has no teeth all the better because sometimes when i lose my temper i miss with the sledgehammer and i don't want someone with teething problems...before or after. Why do i want a woman helper?...because they are SMARTER than men.
If she has a black belt that would be a plus. When the neighbours complain bout my drilling and screwing 3am in the morning be beaut if she could grab the complainer in a headlock and jamb his/her head in the door which isn't there. Being square would be a plus because she could stand in front of the main window to block the view of stickybeaks. Obviously when she needed a loo break i would hold the fort til she gets back. She would have to be a climber to get up on the roof to replace some tiles on the top ridge...and the ones she breaks when she slips and hurtles over the edge of the steel guttering which isn't quite there either although she would be able to see once she landed on the concrete below (by looking up) where the gutter used to be. Or indeed could be.
The successful applicant will receive free board. The free board would have minimal nails in it as i wouldn't want her thundering round all night scratching her nails. You know what women are like when they break a nail! Let alone a rusty one. All safety equipment such as heavy duty slippers, steel bras and cast iron panties will be provided so i guess i've got the uniform ironed out so to spank...sorry, so to speak.
The square lady can rest assured there'll be no hanky panky as i'm a bit of a square myself. I'm mainly all torque with screwing my main objective. And lots of bogging to fill those confounded holes that emerge when you bang in the wrong place. My helper must speak fluent flu as part of the roof is missing and flu is something that seems to be promoted by my humble little abode which is bad but not quite breaking bad. You will receive three square meals a day so it is imperative you are square because that way you will be working on a full square tummy. It will help also if your buttocks are square as that will save me running round with a square to make sure everything is at right angles. Be helpful if you can stand on your head so i can use your outline to mark the corners of the ceiling.
If you have square kids that's okay, they can pose as windows until i have time to cut them out. Band-aids will be provided. I would prefer your husband not to come round as i don't want him to get his nose out of square. You see a lot of males feel useless when their wives go out to work and i'll go as far as to say, most ARE...even when their wives DON'T go out to work. Take me for instance...no-one else will. I personally believe two can live in Harmony. Anyone know whether you can get a train plane or automobile to Harmony on a single ticket? Or on a wing and a square?