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Saturday, December 16, 2017

Renovate Or Detonate. Riginal.

by riginal (writer), moe australia, March 01, 2014

Always have a good look around before plunging in willy nilly. Don't bang around after midnight even if you're in the mood. Don't believe the real estate agent when she says "she's got good bones!"

Renovate or Detonate. riginal.

Have you ever touched something you wished you hadn't and i'm not talking sex, although perhaps it could be classed as a 'touchy' subject depending on the 'x' factor. Fact is in fact the sex act or pact 'pat' between a couple is severely diminished if there isn't a modicum of lust, Not that i'm a great expert but i read such in a very respectable glossy journal. Think it started with P and ended with Y. Why ppplay round or wander if love is still there? I hear you stutter? Anyway your sexual directional exploits are not my business. And i don't think what you eat has much do with your willy going silly or willy nilly if you're lucky enough to be with the right fired-up filly. Although eating during can be dangerous...what if the fork slips? Up to your armpits in mashed potato? Peas rolling over hill and dale? Assuming your name is Dale and you're not over the hill. Anyway i'd like to sidestep this very personal subject as i believe what people do in bed together should stay in the bedroom...or kitchen.

Brings to mind the old dear in the kitchen who complained to the police that next door were doing "dreadful naughtificationary things to each other." The cops came round and checked the situation out, looked across at the neighbour's apartment window and couldn't see a thing. Told the old dear so. She shouts out at the coppers, "yes YOU CAN!" She then jumped up on her table and yelled out, "LOOK! they're at it now!" True story that many would have heard of. I'm drifting because the main thrust of this post has nothing to do with sex, it's a DIY story. A do it yourself -not to your self.

Purchased a 'new' old house in the country. Got it cheap. Are you the sort like me who buys something, then you reach a pinnacle near orgasm over your purchase...adrenalin flowing through your senses like a fine wine overimbibification then a "what have i done, and should i have done" moment the next day? It started raining and i was sitting on the floor unpacking a pot and a pan and a few forks (no knives) when i walked across to the fireplace which had a crummy blankoff with an old gas heater jammed in it. Old 1970's cheap masonite surround, lousy tiles. Ex- builder long time back. With measured calm and much 'hands on' experience and a wealth of knowledge far beyond the average i grasped the horrible surround and pulled gently.

The front of the fireplace collapsed. Yep! they don't build them like that any more! Thank God! I gently wriggled a few more bricks...a few more fell out in sympathy...until there were none. The main support concrete centre supporting the chimney is still there...no problems. Picked up the vacuum cleaner, ended up doing an Al Jolson. 'Dancing with the Charred'.The vac blocked up, i undid it, a petrified mummified heat embalmed mouse probably named 'sooty' fell out.

I had a cold shower, it started raining, i sat smug on a suitcase and listened to the downpour thinking that at least i had a roof over my head. Cosy. Rained like a demon on a spitting warpath, a waterfall ran down the inside of the wall then stopped as the demon adjusted his spittle to a dribble. Yep, no worries. Then i noticed asbestos out back.. No worries i had worked around it and disposed of it properly with suit etc in the past. Son had lent me his caravan fridge of 14" square. Put my insulin in and a bottle of milk. And a cherry ripe. And a small bag of grapes. Actually i lie. 5 grapes-the rest fell out when i jammed the bag in the door.

The outside brickwork immaculate. The inside a bit...a bit down. Then i saw the fruit trees out back and the 700 sq metre block and i felt good. And it's mine. My son rings up. "Dad! you have to be real careful with the bit of money you've got left!...really really careful!" Ring ring one hour later. "Dad can you lend me a thousand dollars til next pay day?" Heard his two little boys in the background,"hi poppy!" How can you say "no?" Feel so lucky, and tomorrow's another day.

Yep, doing a house up can be better than sex. When it's finished you can step back and feel proud of what you've done. As long as you don't slip with the fork and get mashed potato everywhere. Here's a tip, don't do it up against or in a suspect fireplace. Cement a relationship and the fireplace first. Really don't know what all the fuss is about. If you're going to attempt a DIY and lust after a quick makeover please don't bang around too much after midnight. You'll wake the neighbours. And the old dear next door standing on her kitchen table starts to get a wobble up after midnight. So be reasonable. Knock on her door and offer her a chair to put on the table, binoculars, halogen unbreakable torch,extra battery,strong latte...no-doz tablets,and a Playboy mag to read during interval. I mean you guys will be old and oversexed one day...so have a bit-of respect! And don't rush in to something that leaks and has obvious gaps to be filled,unless it's cheap. Don't be afraid to ask for a hand.




About the Writer

Bio...bioio...daylight come an i wanna go home. Come missa tele man tele me banana. A banana tele? Seriously would like to hook up with other comedy writers to engage.
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