As you can probably all tell, I have not been blogging much lately. Not to mention that I sit down almost everyday and try to write, and nothing comes out. I just cannot write.
The fact is that I have been going through a few personal issues and because I have not been able to speak about these publicly, I have not been able to write anything. Anything I do write about just seems trivial.
We all have to make certain decisions in life which are life changing. And I have recently had to make some of these life changing decisions.
I suppose a few decisions fall into this category such as:
Deciding what you want to become in life
This involves having to sit down and think about what you want to spend the rest of your life doing. Do you want to go to University for instance and study to become a doctor or architect or lawyer or some other similar profession. Or maybe you want to go into childcare or healthcare. Or perhaps you want to meet your knight in shining Armour, get married and spend the rest of your life in marital bliss. It is pointless studying to become a lawyer when in fact you want to be an architect so this is a decision that affects your future and has huge implications.
This is one decision I have never really had to make in life. You see I am one of those people that just never had to sit and think about what I wanted to become or do one day. I suppose the main reason for this is that I am pretty easy going and flexible. I can do anything and I love the fact that I have been and get to be involved with all sorts of different jobs and projects. I have an absolutely amazing resume if you look at what I have been involved with. None of this would have been possible had I decided to pick one thing. I love the challenge of doing something new and getting involved in the out of the box projects.
A friend has recently asked me what I want to do in life - i.e. I am currently sitting with the world at my feet and what do I want to do with it. I cannot tell you how much I have thought about this question and I still cannot answer it.
I love to blog and I cannot imagine life without my blog. I also know I want to help people and more specifically women. Although I know I will do this, I also know I will not make a career out of it. But there is a huge synergy between my blog and being able to help women and this will become a reality. This is also something I can do from anywhere in the world and does not restrict me.
So what do I want to do from a career perspective one may ask? I want to do it all. I want to do whatever presents itself. I know where my strengths lie and I like a challenge and I like to get involved in projects where I know my strengths will be utilized. And sometimes I like to get involved in something totally different where I am out of my comfort zone. This is what challenges me and keeps me motivated to learn new things.
Deciding where you want to live
So once you decide what you want to do and you have the necessary skills, you get to decide where you want to do it. Some of us decide to do it in our home town and never venture out into the big wide world. Some of us get presented with opportunities to move to a whole new city or country and make a new life there.
I have been lucky enough to live in various cities and countries and I have yet to find myself unable to adapt or appreciate my new surrounds. I have lived on secluded islands and I have lived in big cities and both have been amazing experiences.
So where do I want to live? Again I have no desire to restrict myself to a specific place. I would never have met the people I have or seen the places I have been to had I decided on a specific place.
So the reality is, my home is wherever I hang my hat.
Meeting "The One"
Some of us have the opportunity to meet a partner and eventually decide to spend the rest of our lives with these partners. Some of us also find ourselves in long term relationships that never actually go anywhere.
I have a few friends who have been living with "the one" for many many years but have never taken it any further. Generally you are are either content with your relationship and it doesn't go anywhere, or the relationship moves forward and you end up getting married and starting a life together, or you decide that the relationship isn't really going anywhere and agree to part ways.
This too is a life changing decision and there are many other decisions that go hand in hand with these decisions. Do I say yes to that proposal? If so, where are we going to live, do we want children, how many children, how will be look after them or afford them? There are so many questions one can ask.
Some of us get married in order to get out of a situation we find ourselves in. I grew up with an alcoholic mother. I won't digress here about it but I was presented with the opportunity of getting married at 17 and I grabbed at the opportunity. Deep down inside I knew he was not "the one" but it would take me away from a life I didn't want to lead anymore. Anything was better than the life I had. So I got married. I could say it was the worst mistake of my life but in fact it wasn't - even though I found myself divorced at the ripe age of 18. It provided me with the opportunity to have a life which was far better than what I had.
Deciding to spend the rest of your life with someone is not an easy one as it restricts and affects any future decisions you make so you better be sure that you chose wisely.
Do we want to have children is another life changing decision. And it is a major decision as once you have children, many other decisions are not available to you anymore or they restrict future decisions to a huge extent. You are no longer able to decide what is right for you. You have to decide what is right for the greater good of your partner and children.
Imagine getting offered the job of a lifetime in a city you always wanted to move to, but it is not the best for other members of your family or they don't want to move. Or imagine being in a job you hate but having to suck it up and put a smile on your face everyday when you walk through the door to your office as it offers a pay check at the end of the month which supports your family. Or perhaps you have a dream which you will never be able to realize as your partner does not share in your passion.
Ending it all
Yes, sometimes you need to decide to end things. This may be a dream job that you are no longer happy in doing. Or finding yourself in a marriage or relationship in which you are no longer happy in. Or waking up one day and realizing that you find yourself in a life that just happened without you knowing and you have no control over.
And this is the situation I now find myself in.
I have not been happy for a very long time. It is not that I have been unhappy. I had everything I could possibly want. But although I have a beautiful home, the most amazing children, a husband who loves me dearly, a job which pays the bills and I am happy doing, I was not fulfilled or happy.
So I have found myself reflecting on my life recently and have made the decision to get divorced.
You see, after my first marriage, I was left broken. I met a man who provided me with the option to have a life which was better and more fulfilling. Did I love him? This is a question I ask myself now. I don't think I was capable of love or knew how to identify love at that point in my life. I just went with it.
And I eventually found myself married and before I knew it I had 4 children.
Now I am not regretting any of this as life really has not been bad to me and I cannot tell you how amazing my children are.
But I have realised that somewhere in all of this, I never once questioned what I wanted in life. I just went with it. Perhaps because I am so easy to accept things.
So having come to certain decisions, I find myself more fulfilled and happier than I have ever been. For the first time ever, life is clear to me and I know what I want.
Hubby (or soon to be ex-hubby) and I have found mutual ground and are working together to finalise matters on good terms.
I now have the world at my feet and happiness greets me every day.
I will be writing about this in more detail in future posts. Maybe not specifically relating to my experience but in my search of happiness, I have spoken to so many others with similar experiences and I would like to share some of these with you.
Ciao for now