TO P OR NOT TO P. riginal.
WARNING: EXPLICIT REMARKS PERTAINING TO MEN'S THINGYS.
I don't know how i got into this predicament. People are always asking my advice on things i know very little about. Sitting talking to a friend over a beer about cars and how they attract women specially when they have doors and other handy accessories when all of a sudden (i'll call him Dick to disguise his real penis) Richard says to me, "Ralph (he calls me Ralph because that's my name) ...Ralph i have a question."
We weren't in America so i said "shoot Dick!" I mean i heard that in America that's sort of like an invitation to shoot between the eggs and ask questions later? Kidding i made that up. America is the land of the flea. Shoot as i've just intimated and i guess that would at least rid your groin of same.
Richard cracked another can and told me he was in two minds about something personal to do with his penis and a Granny Flat.For those who are unaware or don't wear any, a penis is usually about 20 feet long by 3 to 4 metres wide. On average. Roughly 3 metres high with a window or two, a door to gain entry. Usually towable and can be erect in about 8 hours with the right nuts and bolts and someone that can bang it together, hook up a gas bottle, plug it into an extension lead, plumb it, then turn on the switch and boil the kettle on the gas to celebrate. It can be divided up inside so that up to six to eight people can sleep in relative comfort.
Some have air-con some have steel insides or tongue- and- groove floors. Actually tongue- in- groove swells so i'd go for some tin like steel for example. Prices vary so if girls your husband can't come down to view it just walk outside the back of your house to get a rough idea if it will fit round the backside... of your place. It's no good having something hanging over your neighbor's fence.
A Granny Flat is roughly anything from say 3-10 inches long, looks nasty, or at least can turn nasty so it must be kept clean,vacuumed, up to you whether you want gas. It's usually foldable and can be thrown in the wash with your unmentionables.
Usually made of...i'm a bit hesitant here because i can't be sure you are all past the age of concert but if you ring Granny and she's not flat out she'll probably be able to show you a photo of a recently constructed one. Do not be put off by scratch marks, dents, or scorch marks. If you get it cheap enough you could sleep four providing two are prepared to double up but of course the main supports must be rust free. They're great for sleepovers. And look great with a few strategically placed hanging baskets. Make sure nothing is sticking, or protruding that you could trip over. Some like to grow grass around it but an old friend told me to concrete around it as that keeps the weed down.
I said to Richard "fire away." "Ralph i have a conundrum." I replied "have you tried caustic soda and a heat lamp?" Ric ignored me and continued pouring caustic soda on his conundrum and upping the power on the heat lamp. Kidding, he launched the question-blurted it out spitting beer all over my face which thankfully his pet boa constrictor squeezed off.
"In a nutshell Ralphy boy i have $12,000 to spend on either a Granny Flat or a penis enlargement." I nearly choked on his boa constrictor or was it the other way round? The female boa constrictor blushed...i had to put her outside where she happily wrapped her newly fitted expandable jaws around the bloody nuisance of a kid next door. Damn goat.You see she's very short -sighted,fell in love with a 356B porsche and swallowed it, with the driver still in it. She loved the rounded shape but to get to her she had to swallow the car too when she stopped for a pit stop. Of course the race fans got snaky at the impromtu Fang io stop. The boa went on to win much to the disgust of the rattlesnake who had just swallowed a small school bus...with the kids still in it but they had a great time rattling and fanging out round the track.
I said to Ric "forget about the penis enlargement because then you'll have to get larger underpants. "Don't wear them Ralphy!"
I cracked another beer, i HATE giving sexual advice i hate saying the word penis! It was only at the age of 45 i could stop calling it a 'nuisance' because that's all i was led to believe men's things are? I mean you can't mix cement with it you can't shovel snow with it, you can't put it under the rear wheel to stop your car you left in neutral from rolling away which i did. You can't paint the house with it, you can't pull weeds out with it, you can't unscrew a jar of pickles with it, you can't pole vault with it and if you go for a nudist holiday you can't go out in the rain with it unless you're wearing a rain hat. You can't get any common sense out of it.
We might as well unscrew them and use them under the front door to stop the draft coming in? I said to my friend,"Ric i don't want to know anything about your size shape what religion it is or how many Gold medals it has won and i don't care if it has been to the moon or anywhere else close by but i would buy the Granny flat. Rick took my advice,he bought a box of viagra which was swell, then we went Granny F shopping. Damn me if Ric didn't fall head over Granny's heels on the test rug...sorry run, came home with Granny...pitched a tent in the back yard. So there you have it. Although Ric had to restrict the boa constrictor to her own sleeping bag. Still exercised the boa at night because their legs cramp up after they get wound up in circles.
MORAL: If you can't make your mind up about something throw a boa in the air and if it lands heads or tails there's your answer.
I tent to have a good long think about things after i rush in...but don't we all! Many fangs for reading.