VIVA LAS VEGAN. RIGINAL.
You're probably not going to believe this story i usually don't.
Once upon a dime,somewhere in America, i was sitting in McDonalds about to partake of a hamburger,you could say i was looking forward to having a beef. But then don't we all?Don't know whether it was the rhythmic 'chow down' of twenty mashing jaws pon burger but i started to nod off,the occasional slurp fest burp small kiddie involuntary wind emission burp squeal scream burp didn't help either. Maybe it was the air-con and excessive over injection of insulin. I was on my way home from impersonating Elvis. Fancy dress ball. Maybe it was the glue in my E wig or perhaps the earwig trying to burrow out from underneath the glue...i dozed.
The plate glass front window gave way under the weight of the furious onslaught. The leader of the forty cannibals- maybe fifty- pointed his spear at me, pulled glass specs out of his bi-focals, spoke in sign language. He had a fowl smell mounted on his head,the fowl agreed. He was getting on his own beak and quite literally up his own beak nostril.
Chief Sharka Zulu Pooh Pooh (that was the bird's full foul name) spoke for the cannibals. Otherwise i would have had to pay for a human meat eating sign language translator and being on a pension doesn't allow me the luxury. Everyone was petrified except eye...however the rest was!
Sharka Zulu removed the bone from his beak which allowed him to breath and talk in a strange sing- song voice."We come to eat humans..." Of course everybody started impersonating animals to put them off the scent. It sounded like an hysterical 'tryout' for an 'old mac Donalds Farm' pantomime. Everyone miming...anything but a human sound. The sort of sound one could only hear in Congress. However i won't go there...no-one else seems to want to!"
Sharka waved his spear. "Enough! you are humans." A thin weedy politician jammed his whopper in his small fries and squeaked as a hot fry jammed in his short long johns. "I'm a politician so therefore i'm not on your menu kind sir!" "You go...rest stay!" A sharp prod and the weedy P crawled through his,underneath people's privates as they do and out the back entrance, past the rubbish bin and the resident rat out for a late night snack. You see the rat was employed as a security rat to keep out the other rats and the occasional crawling pollie. I digress.
There everyone sat/stood. New Years Eve. Had a great time at the fancy dress...now we were all going to be eaten to finish the festivities off. "Humans jump in batter,roll round jump in fry oil for five minutes then we eat!" Sharka let out a terrible yell, his claw had slipped into the head cannibal's ear whilst trying to counterbalance his spear. The cannibal wasn't that wrapped either because his fowl ear resembled a cheeseburger. Cannibals don't clean their ears see. What for? They don't see out of them so i heard. Eat a couple yes but never clean them.
I was the oldest there, if i died standing up to these savages who were so picky about their eating habits they wouldn't/couldn't stomach a pollie as entree, then maybe i had a slim chance. I plugged my amp in,started strumming my guitar, tightened the silk scarf round my beautiful mid section. I had to stall them. "Ahhh!"...said i,"how do you you know that a well done human snack has to fry for exactly five minutes my fine feathered handsome friend ?" Sucking up is always good i mean i wasn't going to say "for a cook you stink and as a bird you're simply fowl!" now was i? I'm not that stupid!
Sharka responded with a cackle,stuck his tongue out, picked at his yellow teeth with his detached bone. "Five minutes say Nigella. Me big fanny of her." Good! i had the bird distracted. "She's a wonderful cook Sharka and she loves to mix and match don't you think?" The S giggled. "She light match under quite a mix!" We both sniggered. I shouldn't have because i don't normally bag female cooks specially ones that lick melted chocolate so seductively off manicured "come on" fingers. But twenty human fries were about to be served...plus 50 schoolkids behind the counter only being paid a pittance with the dreary excuse "one day you'll be able to say you fell in a frying vat...pushed in by a group of hungry cannibals...hot to trot your bot!"
Sharka waved his spear menacingly. "You delay yum yum start rolling round big bum!" I was a bit offended because i've been told i have a cute one...pinchable in fact. I tried to deviate the menu. "Wouldn't you guys rather a burger and large fries and a free watered down coke or a big big frothy two day old milkshake milked straight from a cow?"
Sharka sneered and spat spit on the spitless floor. Rude bird. "Had burger once...me throw up. On fry day. Don't try to milk time.We love crispy humans." I strummed and sang low. "Viva Viva Las Vegan...bright light city...!" Then it hit me! "Look Sharka!" i yelled,"why don't you and your chubby cuddly human eating friends become vegans! None meat eaters! You'll live longer, you won't get elbows and toe nails or kneecaps stuck in your throat ever again! Of course you could snack on the occasional weedy pollie as they indeed suck the life out of us humans! What say you oh gorgeous one?"
It did the trick! Sharka smiled. "Where we get proper vegies from?" We sent out the whole store to find real vegies. Funny, only the MAC schoolkids came back? While they prepared the healthy fest i sang to the natives. They boot scooted and started licking some ankles as you can imagine old habits like a retired nun die hard...unless you use a fabric softener. "ON A COLD AND GREY BIG MAC NIGHT A GROUP OF CANNIBALS GIVE US A FRIGHT IN THE FOOD GHETTOOOO. Then humans one night in MAC NATION cooked up a vegan fest in desperation...in the ghettooooo! Take a look at vegan not me...in the ghettoooooo!"
I finished on a soft one while the cannibals ate their new found diet and took heart- not ours! "Lordy lordy lordy Sharka clawdey, you hooo sure lick good t me...so please just release us baby and rid us of misery!" Someone shook me. "You haven't touched your burger, or large fries...you told me you were so hungry you could eat a cannibal when we came in here?"
Do you know i staggered into the car...there on the back seat was a beak bone...and no-one had dressed as Big Bird! Don't believe me? That very beak bone is sitting in a box marked BS, under my bed. Would i lie? "Vivaaaa Las Vegan..."