Irish spud farmers were a dime a dozen. 1648 was a bad year for potatoes. Spuds were cheap as chips. For goodness sake pull up a bag of modern chips,sit down and CRUNCH! Drives you nuts doesn't it? I killed an elderly woman in a theater once just for crunching during "Gone with the Wind."Oh! you mongrel!" i hear you crackle. LOOK! she was old! She wan't far off the promised land anyway- her chips just about cashed in.I went before the judge she asked what happened "start from the moment the annoying old dear cracked her bag said she." "Well your ownership i paid good money to see a modern day Chinese cheaper version of "Gone With The Wind" entitled "Wong With The Gind" when this person wearing a pointed witches hat started to cackle then crackle. I reached forward put my arm round her neck, whispered "i can't see over or round your stupid round hat! She turned slightly,crackled, and hit me with her broomstick.I came to somewhere in the film where Wong says "fankly ma dear ah don give damn, what producer pay wery low wage to Wong for acting make me go Scarlet oh Harrier hurry up get film over wery quickly! And would crackling witch be wery wery quite quiet or guy behind choke."
Your Horror i then asked the woman would she stop crackling she said "NO!" So i choked her. The judge dismissed the case on the grounds the chips were unsalted so therefore no real a salt took place due to the lack of sodium. The real reason i found out later from the clerk of courts for my freedom was that the witch was the judge's mother and her annoyed daughter had tried to strangle her too on occasion for crackling during a DVD.It just makes you want to spit chips doesn't it?
You have been warned. Back to the Irish SPUD. Why on earth doesn't N.A.S.A. invent a 'chip silencer' that attaches to the 'crackler's' gob to silence their cracks so to speak? Or maybe invent a pair of hi- fi earmuffs which tune out spit, crackles,and people choking to death on a figure eight chip sponsored by the local funeral parlor to drum up a bit of business on the side..of the packet which clearly states "choke before the use- by- date sponsored by your local funeral 'hot chip box'. Dispose of choker thoughtfully don't rubbish." Why on earth would you want to rubbish someone choking to death anyway? Some people are so cruel. Back to Spud the Irish spud farmer. He grew spuds because they were easy to grow on trees whereas the other farmers grew them underground. Spud was shunned. He craved to go to the pub and do the mash (the monster mash) with the local Chinese girl, Scarlet -she was choking on a chip so why wouldn't she be scarlet- O Harrier.
Spud watched in amazement as his spuds grew leg shoots ear shoots and tail shoots! The other farmers shook Spud's trees and told him to shoot the shoot growing spuds before they were fully grown.Spud said to his detractors "NO! KEEP BACK OR I'LL CHOKE YOU! in a very loud capital way." Now here's the weird part. The mature spud's shoots grew veins and developed into legs so all wasn't in vain. The full grown spuds matured,hit the paddock galloping. Before long Spud had a goodly sized herd of spuds. But no- one wanted them because they couldn't fit them in their ovens. Spud didn't have the heart to send the galloping spuds to the chip factory. Then! a miracle happened. An Irish politician Paddy PettyTheft, admitted to stealing money from Number 10 Downherstreet to buy an apartment upherstreet so that this saved Paddy taxi fares to see his filly. He was caught with stolen money trying to purchase a galloping spud off Spud who had no idea that the money was stolen even though the bag it came in stated clearly on the outside. "Caution stolen money if found ring the Queen! and the thief will be King hit by the Duke of Earl." It all went to the Queen's court because the money had been earmarked for the Queen as a gift. Spud led in his galloping spud as evidence to the would be stolen transaction. Now as you all know the Queen has a good eye for racing horses.
Her Highness appraised the young spud horse and told the prosecutors to give her her earmarked money and set Spud free on the proviso he train the young horse to race under her stable which had quite a few winners.This is the strange part. The jockey turned up on race day but instead of racing spud round the track he raced it under the Queen's stable. The punters couldn't see under the stable therefore the stewards couldn't work out which horse won the race. Because spud was the only underground unstable racehorse racing, the galloping spud was declared the winner by a short chip.Which was the point i was trying to make some time back. Back short chips down your throat but don't do the drawback on figure eight chips or you could choke to death. Even if you don't PLEASE DON'T sit in front of me in a theater crackling bloody chips or I'LL choke you to death! With a witches broomstick! Fairy floss, chewing gum, soggy popcorn yes...CHIPS! no. NOTE: Spud was loved by the underground racing mob until an irate punter dug the galloping spud horse up one day and found a bag of 'earmarked money' had been put on its back and as you all know the more money you back on a horse the slower it goes! Trust me.