I found out today that I am going to be a Grandma. Firstly I must stress that I still have quite a few years to go before I'm 50. I feel 38! The news is still sinking in.
I am suffering from shell shock.
I knew Son no 1 and his wife were trying for a baby. They have been trying for quite a few months now. In fact I made a comment to Hubby after dance class on Tuesday that I had a gut feel she was pregnant. So none of this should come as a surprise for me.
I cried when they told me earlier today. I cried with joy. It is amazing news. The best news ever! I am THE HAPPIEST PERSON ON EARTH.
They have not had it officially verified by a doctor or a blood test yet, but took quite a few pregnancy tests this morning. All were positive.
They came over for lunch today. It wasn't a planned lunch and a spur of the moment thing. I was making pizzas and called them to invite them over for a quick lunch. They arrived about 10 minutes later. We made pizza's and sat down for tea afterwards when they broke the news.
And then they went home. I had an afternoon nap. And then I woke up to feeling a little like I wanted to run away. A lot like I wanted to run away.
How can I be a Grandma. At this time in my life. At a time when I want less responsibility. Not more. A time where I am feeling so good about myself. I should be the happiest Mother ever. And I am.
I am also the most scared person on earth at the moment.
Scared of not being there emotionally for them. I find it hard enough to deal with what's on my own plate at the moment. I am enjoying the person I am right now. I am enjoying new challenges. A new me. I sometimes feel like I am starting to see glimpses of me again. Me under the mother, the wife, the lover, the nurse, the nanny, the cook, the cleaner, the being everything to everyone.
I feel so selfish right now. Do these feelings make me a bad mother. A bad person.