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Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Online Dating

My look at online dating services- for better or worse..

Hopefully the stigma of on-line dating services, where you could possibly meet the person of your dreams is not as delusional as once thought. I wrote this some time back.

What ? I'm not good enough to meet someone other than on line?

I have friends who will one day introduce me to the man/woman of my dreams.

I wouldn't trust anyone that I would meet on a computer.

Questions and self doubt and I wonder why?

What are we afraid of?

Do we have the belief that it is not possible to meet the person of your dreams on a dating site?

If so, why do we think that way? Is it because you feel that if you go on a site that you may be talking to possibly a serial killer? A weirdo, a freak, a no hoper, a desperate?

In this day and age it can be difficult to meet that special someone due to the below.

  1. If your social network isn't that great.
  2. If you aren't the Pub type.
  3. If you aren't affiliated with a hobby club.
  4. If you don't do sports or go to the Gym (because hell we all know you ALWAYS meet the person of your dreams there).
  5. If you are over your single friends trying to hook you up on blind dates.
  6. If you feel the right person will come along eventually (you shall meet in the supermarket - that's what my mum would tell me) so you don't need any assistance.

There are so many reasons to convince yourself that on line dating or match making services don't or can't work.

Can I tell you ... you are wrong (forgive me) but you are.

I have had my fair share of relationships (well I am old-ish). I was married (for 19 years). I was even engaged to a man who was 16 years my junior) please don't hold that against me...I'm not a cougar :-)

For OTHER reasons other than the age difference it was not to be.

After that ended I decided to try the on-line system. I don't have a large network of single females that I could venture out with to the Pubs/Clubs to find the man of my dreams. I was after all in my 50's and the thought of putting my face on and journeying out to a Pub (usually by myself) filled me with horror. So what was I to do??

One brave night ( after a wine or two) I went on line (obviously an Australian site) and entered my details.

With this particular forum you paid when you wanted to communicate with someone. The fee being minimal I may add.

I wrote a profile of myself (which I wrote and re-wrote a hundred times) it's difficult because you have to be upfront and tell the world who you are, pat yourself on the back..sounds familiar and (give the impression you're a total catch all at the same time) and posted a photo up.

I sat back and waited to see if I got any response. Yes I was eager and every night and checked my emails.

Hmm 1st week a couple of 'bites' but my gut told me ...no.

Another couple of weeks went past I ended up chatting to a guy who initially I felt sounded ok. When we arranged to meet however, my gut told me no..this doesn't feel right.

A little time went on and I sifted through those that made contact with me, reading their profiles, reading in between the lines, trying to suss out if they were for real ( because there are some out there that tend to stretch the truth) and if we could be match made in heaven. I'm not saying it's an easy process, but you have to broaden your horizons and also have your wits about you.

Then I came across a profile, wonderful sense of humour, similar likes/interests. I looked at the photo and my fist reaction was "Oh god he's bald". Then I took a long hard look at MYSELF and thought so?...what is wrong with almost bald (just because I had never had that before doesn't mean we aren't compatible).

We started to chat on line, this was followed up by phone calls which in the beginning were brief, then they got to 2,3 and 4 hourly (even with the "No you hang up 1st"). Yes I reverted to being a teenager again.

Then we decided it was time to meet... was I scared - hell yes..was I doing the right thing? What harm can meeting in a public place do? I bit the bullet and decided to do it.

That night I put on my face, dressed nicely and daughter # 2 dropped my off at the destination with leaving strict instructions as to "If I need to come home I shall call for you to come and get me".

We met in the foyer of a Hotel (it sounds sleazy but it truly wasn't). We both only had our internet photos to go by.

I walked in and saw this gentleman (yes almost bald..so at least his photograph was real) and tapped him on the shoulder.

I won't say it wasn't awkward because it was. The conversation was stilted in the beginning, after a few drinks we both relaxed, but still I had my doubts (not because he wasn't what I had envisaged from the site) but I guess because I was being overly cautious. I had not long finished the 'engaged relationship' and my heart in all honesty was not probably in the right place to begin another.

After that evening where yes I ended up teary (blame the alcohol consumption) because I kept thinking of my previous partner I said that we could only be friends, that I wasn't in the right head space yet (even though initially I thought I was) to have a relationship.

This man's response was that he totally understood and that he was more than happy to be friends and if I was willing that we would go out together ...for company...pictures, dinner etc and if we met someone else so be it.

So we did that, we went out now and then and then we started going out more regularly.

We became FRIENDS, until one day it dawned on me and him that we were more than friends. We had many things in common, we had both been married, both had our fair share of relationships that worked for a while or didn't, we were at the age where we could simply be US, individuals. There was no pretence, no putting on a show of different personalities in order to please the other. No hidden agendas.

We have been together just over 5 years now - not one argument, not a cross word. We are happy, we live our lives together like any other others in a relationship who have gone the traditional route and met face to face.

So what am I saying here? Simply this.

  1. ONE can find happiness on line.
  2. ONE can find true love and their soul mate on line.
  3. ONE has to push past the barriers & misconceptions about finding someone on line.
  4. GUT feeling about someone on line usually is the right feeling.
  5. LIFE is sometimes about taking risks.
  6. DO chat on line first for however long you are comfortable with.
  7. DO talk on the phone to truly get to know the person.
  8. DO meet n a public place on your 1st meeting.
  9. DO have a back up plan in case you need to escape or don't feel safe.
  10. KEEP an open mind.

I met and fell in love with my man and I am so glad I was brave enough to try this medium.

So, if the thought of meeting someone (that could be the person whom you are MEANT to be with) happens to be from an internet site and the thought of that makes you wary...think about it ..what harm can it do...what are you afraid of? It will be your choice to chat, to talk on the phone, to meet when you feel comfortable in doing so.

I did and I am so glad that I took the plunge for if I hadn't I would probably be sitting in my little study blogging, writing and wondering who is out there for me?

As they say nothing ventured...nothing gained.

OK he's not Bruce...but my man is just as ... Pic courtesy of Google & articles.timesofindia.indiatimes.com


About the Writer

I am the Author of The Empty Nest- A Mother's Hidden Grief. (EPub) This is available through Lulu and Amazon. The memoir is the story of my life as a mother, with an emphasis on the unspoken grief, which accompanies the process of letting go of one’s children as they grow up. As much as a mother loves her children, she must endure, at many stages of their growth, the pain of losing them. The inevitable “cutting of the ties” culminates when the day arrives for her children to leave home. For many women, this time coincides with profound personal changes of menopause and fiftieth birthdays. My own recent experience of this process prompted me to revisit my life as a mother, and to delve into the journals which I had kept since I was pregnant with my two daughters, some twenty years ago. The journals reveal the learning curves of motherhood and I was able to use this material to form both the chronological backbone of the memoir, and to expose the “heart” of the story in the touching and personal moments that I had recorded. Here are the links if you are interested. http://www.lulu.com/shop/j-m-kadane/the-empty-nest-a-mothers-hidden-grief/ebook/product-20361003.html https://www.amazon.com/author/jmkadane
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7 comments on Online Dating

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By Shaun Gibson on September 02, 2013 at 04:27 am

Good read and a good way of expressing a way of finding that special person. Of course anyone can meet and fall in love with someone online. I seen it many times, and many are still together. It takes bravery to do so. I know a woma from the USA who left everything she had to go and meet a man in Australia, she is now VERY happy. So yeah it works. I also know an American woman who left the USA, same story, left the lot behind, came to the UK, The man had sex with her and told her to leave. She was a friend of mine, so we took her in till she could go back to the USA and explain to her kids what she did, this was 10 years ago and still her kids hate her. So there are bad stories out there.

Thanks for sharing a wonderful story..

Shaun x

ps: Admit it I kinda look like the bloke in the picture ;-) lol

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By JennyT on September 02, 2013 at 04:39 am

Okay I have stopped laughing...no of course you do ;-)

Yes I am sure there are many horror tales out there, your poor friend..though I guess it's a case of buyer beware. Too many ladies do not research or go with their gut instincts when it comes to chatting to someone on line. Some get carried away too quickly. There are those that rush into it too, thinking the person is the one, instead of taking their time, chatting on line for days or weeks, then phone calls for the same amount of time, before deciding to meet up in a populated venue. I appreciate you reading and liking my story.

Seriously if you kinds looked like the bloke above - I'd probably leave my man ... lol

Jen x

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By JennyT on September 02, 2013 at 04:40 am

*kinda even

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By Shaun Gibson on September 02, 2013 at 09:18 am

I gotcha.. lol

I do a bit from the eye lashes up :0)

lol x

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By JennyT on September 02, 2013 at 05:25 pm

Looking....looking...oh there you are!! ;-) x

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By Credo on September 02, 2013 at 06:40 pm

First let me say that I am glad it work out well for you, you are certainly brave.

However!

Some how I've always found it difficult to even consider the Internet as a place to meet intimacy, realizing that good old fashion communication to some it may all seem so antiquated. But to me, not being able to look into someone eyes, unable to see their body language when you meet them (first speak to them online) or when you say good bye can mean all the difference between knowing that you've met your soul mate and guessing, and wondering if you met another fool.

A valuable article indeed.... Keep posting

Credo

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By JennyT on September 02, 2013 at 07:29 pm

Oh Credo - I hear you believe me I do, but at that stage in my life I had no single girlfriends that wanted to hit the single scene (we are talking in my early 50's here). So it was a case of go out there into the unknown or try this. As I happened to have come across my soul mate - my thoughts of wanting to read body language and look into their eyes has flown out the window. I honestly did not think for one second that my (Mr. S) was going to be my life time partner (and still after 5 years not one cross word bwtn us - that is 'soul-mate' in its truest form. There are so many fools out there, that is why I heed caution to anyone and to take the time, invest a month or so, if the 'virtual' is really interested they will maintain the communication until you get a chance to meet in person. If they get bored/fed-up - then you know they aren't for you and time to move on. Us humans will only take so much..unless something in our gut says..this could be for real. Thank you so much for reading and giving me your thoughts and yes I shall keep posting - thank you so much :-)

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