People often ask me what is it like to have Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain syndrome, I can't find words, the closest I can come with an answer about the pain is "All over body toothache" pain, and the picture above doesn't really give the pain justice.
I just turned 40 years old, I never get ill, as in colds or the flu, ever, I can't remember being ill, as, in bed ill, just never happens. The pain came one day when I was around 20 years old, I was playing football (Soccer to the people from the USA) and I got tackled by two people at the same time, I felt the pain right away, looked down an my left knee was in an L shape, I threw up and fainted, lol, true story
I had countless surgery and keyhole surgery attempts to repair the knee, but it was decided roughly 15 years ago there was nothing they could do, at this point the pain was bad, but looking back comparing it to the pain now, it was mild. I had to stop working, nobody would employ me, I was blessed to have a family with money, as welfare was looming, and thankfully my Dad bought us a house and gave us some cash, long story.
So as the years came and went I had to stop playing football, I cried hard as football was my life, I then decided to go into football management, it was 10 hours a week at the most and it was sore, but manageable. I loved it, 15 years and 19 trophies but more important we created memories for players, kids, adults, parents, real memories, times when we all cried. I demanded the best from everyone, even my staff, they all knew I wanted to act as if we were a pro outfit and we did, the teams I managed had hats and gloves with the team badge on it, their name on their tops and strips, it made the players staff and myself and the small fan base we had feel we were all part of something big, this was something I did at all 4 clubs I managed. When I wasn't taking my own team I would help with my sons team, do some coaching. Then the bad news about 5/6 years ago, I had to stop coaching, it was too sore, so I was just Manager, but the Manager of a football team is a lonely place, everything falls on you, the team loses, people look to you, they win you get the credit, but I never took the credit, I shared it. I won a Scottish Manager Award for having a club of my own in 2008 and I could have went to the photo shot alone, but no, I asked 1 person from every team under the name "Gorgie Hearts FC" to come along, this is the picture here
This was a huge moment for me, I was a little over weight due to doing less, but I had created something, on my own, but with help in the end. And all the while the pain was getting stronger and I was struggling to do the thing I loved most outside my home, and I knew deep inside the day would come where I had to stop, and it did about 6 months ago, I had not been involved in football for 18 months due to pain, in my mind I just refused to accept it, but the pain won. So I started to write about football, do match reports on football like some I do under Sport in here, just to stay involved in something I have done since I was 7 years old.
The pain of Fibro and Chronic pain, when it comes it doesn't just bring pain, it takes things, it takes small things you used to take for granted, walked to a shop, walking round a shop, making food, making a cup of tea even, going for a bath or a shower, going to the toilet, going to bed, getting up in the morning is real fun, my body is like a cardboard and the pain I just want to put my Hulk face on and lash out. But you know something, pain brought something else, Love, a caring side, a side of me I just didn't know I had, I started to care, worry about others, so I started my own blog http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/ I am 8 months in and loving it, writing allows me to focus the pain away somewhere else, it is a long hard process and one I have still to win, but you have to manage your pain and give you and your family a chance. I try not to be too reliant on these guys here http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/about-2/ My 2 sons, and Dawn my partner as well as my 2 Daughters who I fear will see the worst of me. But I pray hard to God the pain goes away. We will see
Determination to not give in was hard, I almost took my own life a few times, the last times was just a month ago, then a man, a stranger reached out and helped me, he told me a few things and gave me advice and helped me in other ways. http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/2013/08/27/mp3-blog-i-did-please-read/ Tony his name was, he introduced this simple MP3 to me, I thought right away, load of rubbish, but it worked, placebo effect I thought, then others started seeing a difference, I was smiling more, I was being the prankster I used to be, the lad who used to but Viagra in a mates drink and we would all laugh, I know it's awful, but this is the Scottish way, laugh or don't. Slowly I seen things clearer, the MP3 for me was just a tool in helping me understand how the mind worked and through this I am in a better place. As I type this, my finger and wrists are on fire, I have to stop and smother them in Volterol Gel and rest, but I always get it done.
The message I need to give is never give up, even when odds are stacked against you, even when the world seems like it has beat you, when one door closes (Football and a life) another opens, (Love, light, God, and writing) opens. There is always a way, there is never a time I would take my own life, these were cries for help, but I didn't know how much I was hurting my precious Dawn, she would ask why and all I had was "I can't do this anymore Dawn" then we would hug and cry, then she noticed change, and here I am on this lovely Friday morning sharing my most inner soul with strangers, but this is what helps for me. Others will differ, other people will find other ways to deal with pain every second of a life, and writing has become mine. I have hundreds of unpublished blogs, I just write, I sit and listen to music, I paint and do puzzles with the girls, I try anything to diver the agony away, and slowly I am winning, and I say now, life won't beat me, it may sway me, it may knock me down, but I will get back up. I will use the same determination I used in football now, I will demand the best from me.
Thank you for letting me share this. And below I leave some memories I love
More love, less hate
This picture is my son scoring the first of his 3 goals the day we won the league. Before we left for the game, Dawn said "Win the league for your little sister" and then she cried. She had never missed one of his games, but had JUST had our oldest Daughter. When we got home with the trophies, we all cried and THAT is love and a reason to go on.
Never Give In