Monday, December 10, 2018

Coming through the other end when told your life is gone

Credit: My own picture
This was when we won a league with Fernieside Boys 1994 age group my son scored the goals to win us the game, 4 days after my oldest daughter was born

A personal blog by me on my fight for life and happiness when I was told I couldn't be the Shaun I wanted to be and had to change and re-like myself. Just a small write up on what it took

People often ask me what is it like to have Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain syndrome, I can't find words, the closest I can come with an answer about the pain is "All over body toothache" pain, and the picture above doesn't really give the pain justice.

I just turned 40 years old, I never get ill, as in colds or the flu, ever, I can't remember being ill, as, in bed ill, just never happens. The pain came one day when I was around 20 years old, I was playing football (Soccer to the people from the USA) and I got tackled by two people at the same time, I felt the pain right away, looked down an my left knee was in an L shape, I threw up and fainted, lol, true story

I had countless surgery and keyhole surgery attempts to repair the knee, but it was decided roughly 15 years ago there was nothing they could do, at this point the pain was bad, but looking back comparing it to the pain now, it was mild. I had to stop working, nobody would employ me, I was blessed to have a family with money, as welfare was looming, and thankfully my Dad bought us a house and gave us some cash, long story.

So as the years came and went I had to stop playing football, I cried hard as football was my life, I then decided to go into football management, it was 10 hours a week at the most and it was sore, but manageable. I loved it, 15 years and 19 trophies but more important we created memories for players, kids, adults, parents, real memories, times when we all cried. I demanded the best from everyone, even my staff, they all knew I wanted to act as if we were a pro outfit and we did, the teams I managed had hats and gloves with the team badge on it, their name on their tops and strips, it made the players staff and myself and the small fan base we had feel we were all part of something big, this was something I did at all 4 clubs I managed. When I wasn't taking my own team I would help with my sons team, do some coaching. Then the bad news about 5/6 years ago, I had to stop coaching, it was too sore, so I was just Manager, but the Manager of a football team is a lonely place, everything falls on you, the team loses, people look to you, they win you get the credit, but I never took the credit, I shared it. I won a Scottish Manager Award for having a club of my own in 2008 and I could have went to the photo shot alone, but no, I asked 1 person from every team under the name "Gorgie Hearts FC" to come along, this is the picture here

This was a huge moment for me, I was a little over weight due to doing less, but I had created something, on my own, but with help in the end. And all the while the pain was getting stronger and I was struggling to do the thing I loved most outside my home, and I knew deep inside the day would come where I had to stop, and it did about 6 months ago, I had not been involved in football for 18 months due to pain, in my mind I just refused to accept it, but the pain won. So I started to write about football, do match reports on football like some I do under Sport in here, just to stay involved in something I have done since I was 7 years old.

The pain of Fibro and Chronic pain, when it comes it doesn't just bring pain, it takes things, it takes small things you used to take for granted, walked to a shop, walking round a shop, making food, making a cup of tea even, going for a bath or a shower, going to the toilet, going to bed, getting up in the morning is real fun, my body is like a cardboard and the pain I just want to put my Hulk face on and lash out. But you know something, pain brought something else, Love, a caring side, a side of me I just didn't know I had, I started to care, worry about others, so I started my own blog I am 8 months in and loving it, writing allows me to focus the pain away somewhere else, it is a long hard process and one I have still to win, but you have to manage your pain and give you and your family a chance. I try not to be too reliant on these guys here My 2 sons, and Dawn my partner as well as my 2 Daughters who I fear will see the worst of me. But I pray hard to God the pain goes away. We will see

Determination to not give in was hard, I almost took my own life a few times, the last times was just a month ago, then a man, a stranger reached out and helped me, he told me a few things and gave me advice and helped me in other ways. Tony his name was, he introduced this simple MP3 to me, I thought right away, load of rubbish, but it worked, placebo effect I thought, then others started seeing a difference, I was smiling more, I was being the prankster I used to be, the lad who used to but Viagra in a mates drink and we would all laugh, I know it's awful, but this is the Scottish way, laugh or don't. Slowly I seen things clearer, the MP3 for me was just a tool in helping me understand how the mind worked and through this I am in a better place. As I type this, my finger and wrists are on fire, I have to stop and smother them in Volterol Gel and rest, but I always get it done.

The message I need to give is never give up, even when odds are stacked against you, even when the world seems like it has beat you, when one door closes (Football and a life) another opens, (Love, light, God, and writing) opens. There is always a way, there is never a time I would take my own life, these were cries for help, but I didn't know how much I was hurting my precious Dawn, she would ask why and all I had was "I can't do this anymore Dawn" then we would hug and cry, then she noticed change, and here I am on this lovely Friday morning sharing my most inner soul with strangers, but this is what helps for me. Others will differ, other people will find other ways to deal with pain every second of a life, and writing has become mine. I have hundreds of unpublished blogs, I just write, I sit and listen to music, I paint and do puzzles with the girls, I try anything to diver the agony away, and slowly I am winning, and I say now, life won't beat me, it may sway me, it may knock me down, but I will get back up. I will use the same determination I used in football now, I will demand the best from me.

Thank you for letting me share this. And below I leave some memories I love

More love, less hate




Pictures and quotes

the king scoring again

This picture is my son scoring the first of his 3 goals the day we won the league. Before we left for the game, Dawn said "Win the league for your little sister" and then she cried. She had never missed one of his games, but had JUST had our oldest Daughter. When we got home with the trophies, we all cried and THAT is love and a reason to go on.

Never Give In

About the Writer

I was a Football manager then I had to stop because of the pain so took up writing. I am average, but the sentiment is there. I want to make this a better world I want to laugh. I have a partner and 4 kids, 2 sons who are older teenagers, and 2 daughters under 4. Share the care x
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8 comments on Coming through the other end when told your life is gone

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By riginal on August 30, 2013 at 05:52 am

Jeeze Shaun, you make me feel insignificant. Just got out of hospial as they wanted to cut part of my foot off but i opted for intravenous anti-biotics. Seems to be working. Then my heart was supposed to be racing. They reckon it is okay but goes off now and then. So does my missus. My non-pain is the opposite. I could cut my foot off and not feel a thing. My missus talks to me...don't feel a thing! I've never been good at sport. As an extremely short sighted cricketer i hit a kid in the eye with a miss lunge at a wide ball and he nearly lost his eye. My son has all the trophies. My missus is a sport nutter. If i were a football she would have sex with me every night...instead of every second night. She is sport mad! Incidently my son played at Lords in England ? Dean Jones captain of the under 16 cricket team. They got their arses kicked by the Pommie kids. I gave him my last $5000 at the time. Bugger never paid me back. Surely something more can be done for you? Hope something in the future comes up. You and your achievments are to be admired. Feel proud. You are doing the best you can and that's all the creator asks of any of us. Must go Shaun. I am dressed as a football and my missus wants to lace me up. I think she is using me...just hope she doesn't shift the goal posts at interval. Stay well as you can Shaun. I'm rooting for you...that's a good enough excuse isn't it? Cheers...

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By Shaun Gibson on August 30, 2013 at 07:38 am


Mate, every time, brilliant reply. THIS is why I like to write, humour and sense of humour reasons. They keep me sane. Or so the Dawn tells me, but the drugs may lie to me and she doesn't say that.

And you get your hole every 2nd night, no bad for some. Sorry, PMSL @ That!

This blog was to remind myself that I am still here and breathing and being the goofy guy who puts Viagra in my mates drink. And for other people who might think their life isn't worth a damn, well it is. Everyone has a right to live and have some comforts. (I am glad you do)

Never been into Cricket, when we (Football lads) see the Cricket lads in the park we abuse them, but it's all in fun, till one of the cricket players, silly mid off or something like that lobs a ball at us then it gets nasty. Well done your kid, to achieve that level in any sport means he has dedication and focus, meaning Mum and Dad did a good job, well done, I know how hard it is to achieve and win, and it isn’t easy. My Son might be playing for Falkirk FC soon, he has a trial, I can only advise him now, I just told him "Go and do what you do, nothing more, nothing less and don't try too hard, just be you, the player they like" I hope he listens.

Thanks mate for making me laugh, you really do crack me up Riginal, I mean that in the nicest way, I sit and read your comments in tears of laughter. I must get to what you and others write and read up, I am being a bad writer.

And no sympathy, never, this was to show I am still here, same as you. I hope your issues work out buddy. I know how health issues can change a person and a family. I hope it works out ok for you.

Well, I need to dress up as a cricket player now and try that...


Shaun :0)

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By Katrina Lowrey on August 30, 2013 at 09:34 am

Good for you Shaun!

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By Shaun Gibson on August 30, 2013 at 09:39 am

Thank you Latrina, just showing there is hope for everyone who is any kind of hurt, pain or dispair. Reaching out is a good start..

Appreciated.. x

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By Barbara MacDonald on August 30, 2013 at 01:34 pm

Well if anyone can make you laugh and has such a positive attitude, it is our friend, Riginal....

Thank you for sharing this with such honesty...I know you understand how much I can relate to this, as I have fought my own battles...

May God keep you always strong to fight on...your family needs you...keep writing, it is a wonderful outlet, don't you think?

Amen...take care. :D

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By Shaun Gibson on August 30, 2013 at 01:47 pm

Yeah, reason I write, I have must have at least 100 blogs/articles just sitting in a folder about all sorts, lol

Riginal has me howling with laughter, I should buy his book on dressing up as a football player lol

Honesty is the only way, and if it helps someone else realise strength is something we all have, then cake shall be eaten..

Amen indeed

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By Barbara MacDonald on August 30, 2013 at 01:49 pm


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By Shaun Gibson on August 30, 2013 at 01:51 pm


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