Dear Prospective Employer who ever you may be,
I would like to submit this letter to give you a little insight into what I seek for my next position of employment. Having been given the 'bleep', sorry the sack…or (in my eyes) wrongfully dismissed from my previous employ, I hope you will not be offended if I explete profanities now and then, for at the time of writing this, I have had pretty much a gut-full.
No, 'bleep', sorry that came out wrong, as gut-full may imply that I have been imbibing in the demon drink and as strange as this may sound too you (not that you know me) I haven't, which if you did know me, you would think rather odd.
In fact can I ask you to hold on a sec as I'm going to get one and then my gut-full may make more sense. So if you could take a short break in the reading of my application I would appreciate it.
You see to tell you the truth I'm pretty much fed up with the total office environment. I am, god forbid, no longer (not that I ever was) a Gen Y. In fact as I am not obliged to tell you my age in my submission I will withhold that information, but let us say I am between 55 and 58 years young. If you smiled I am glad, that was my intent, however moving on here; this is OLD according to some prospective Employers. If you didn't smile I am already doomed.
Our lot have passed our 'use by date', in being able to contribute anything worthwhile to the workforce. Well what the 'bleep' is that all about? Just because our memories are not what they use to be and we have a few character lines, does not mean we are over the hill or are completely bloody useless.
May I allow myself to explain myself?
I am clearly not over the hill or 6 feet under it therefore I am worthy of being employed.
I do not want to be in an environment with all females as we all now it ends up a bitch fest.
I do not want to keep my mouth closed if I feel something is being handled incorrectly.
I do want to be able to voice my opinion without being sacked downtrodden because of it.
I am a hard and conscientious worker (hell even my last Manager told me that just before I was sacked).
I at one stage ran my own business, so yes I do not what customer service is about, how to answer a bloody phone call and use a computer. Please don't ask for Excel spread sheets utilising multiple formulas or Powerpoint or anything to heavy in Word as I'm a little fragile in those areas.
I am not on medication for dementia, depression, ADHD, schizophrenia or even headaches.
I shower daily and don't have an old persons smell (though that may come, depending on how long I am in your employ).
I am past the child baring age, so I won't be walking in with a huge grin on my face, holding my stomach and blurting "Guess what" and having to look at your pained expression of "Oh God Maternity Leave".
I have travelled (though yes I would like to do more) let me say for this Resume I am tweeking it a little, but I'm not going to stay with you for 4 months only to then tell you I'm leaving you stranded for a 12 month European vacation.
I do have a vice of smoking, however I do not 'smell' enough to reek and cause other staff members to run from the room holding a tissue over their nose. I do not require 24 breaks during my work day to light up, one or two is sufficient. This I know you would completely understand.
I enjoy a drink (socially only of course) which reminds me this one is finished..be back. That being the case I do not carry a hip flask at all times and you will not find me under my desk slurring my words propped up against the back wall.
I do not use any walking aid ie wheelchair that would require the help of Gen Y to push me to my desk or to the toilet.
I do not wear hearing aids, so I do not need batteries replenished throughout my working day, or those to yell at a higher decibel level than normal.
I do wear glasses whilst using a computer, but I do remember where I leave them.
I do not get sick. Stop laughing. I have had the common cold twice in my entire life. Therefore I will not be taking endless sick days because of 'gastro', I stubbed my big toe, I have a migraine or I just didn't want to work today.
Concluding because by now I feel you have had enough, well let me tell you something so have I!
I want a change a sea-change, a life-change, a different course in my life to work out my years till I can retire. I am over pettiness in the work place, family businesses that refuse to let outsiders 'in'.
Over the bullshit, the crap, the smiling sweet to those I cannot stomach., hearing 'back in my day' or how old did you say you were???
I possibly have some anger management issues that I should deal with.
Looking forward to you favourable response at your earliest (ie one round of interviews is enough, if you can't make up your mind the first time, then you are wasting my time...and I am old remember!!)