Monday, July 16, 2018

Des Dig 'em Deeper.

by riginal (writer), moe australia, July 14, 2013

Credit: free
Day o, de day a a o...daylight come...

Live and let yourself live.It's something you owe yourself. Take the time out.


Hi all my dear friends and other persons.

I am, as the name suggests, a budding funeral director starting out looking for bods. A career change if you will or a career change if you won't. Nothing ever keeps me down for long except my missus when she does the 'dance of the seven veils' but that's personal so I'll simply save the veil of privacy as I know and you know that there is far too much sex thrown at us these days, far far too much! I believe in the substitute called marriage.

Marriage was invented or should I say "discovered" by Herman Clackafing whileresiding on the isle of contentment. The year is unimportant. Coincidently the first credit card bore fruit at the same time.

Herman's wife to be-Hilda Fang-took Herman as her lover, then his credit card as backup because as everone of yuse knows that it's a great standby when things don't run as planned.

Herman and Hilda built a 'house of cards' with no credit as a foundation 'stone which to fall back upon in times of ill which as it happened was ill timed because the marriage failed due to the front door collapsing under the weight of banking procedure.

In Herman's case it was Hilda. Hilda loved spending. Hilda's bank manager loved Hilda spending. Herman and Hilda parted.

It was an amicable parting. Hilda hated Herman. Herman hated Hilda. At least they agreed to disagree about something in common which in turn wasn't enough to forge onwards as a discontented formerly happy couple.

Hilda, indeed went onto a career she had always put on the backburner. Forging her own signature. So adept did Hilda become that she eventually sued herself for misrepresentation and fraud.

The judge threw her case out of court, but got caught on the catch. Made the mistake of falling in love with Hilda. The judge only had one artificial leg encrusted with diamonds as a backup up for a monetary rainy day.

Hilda spent the judge's money, dug the diamonds out of the judge's leg while he slept, eventually unscrewing the leg which had been filled with diamonds for an extra rainy day. The judge was left without a leg to stand on. They didn't even part as friends. As Hilda explained to the judge - "diamonds are a girl's best friends." The judge said "bummer!" which is what he had been reduced to! As part of a hurried or shall we say harried settlement, the empty leg was returned. And re-screwed.

What Hilda didn't know was that the judge's left false buttock was full of diamonds as the judge was a former croc hunter bitten once too often. His bottom rattled when they made whoopee. Hilda was set for life.

The judge married Herman (Herman came out of the closet) and all in all things turned out rather like a fairy tail of extreme good fortune for all. Herman and Judge Dread dreaded the thought of the elderly judge dying without anyone to leave his bottom wealth to should Herman leave him ass up, so they adopted a much loved ferret down on his luck.

The two lovers went ferreting every chance they got and the ferret turned into a responsible well adjusted ferret. Missing out on a seat in a Texas bi-election because the ferret wasn't bi and was honest so that destroyed any hope of a place in American politics. A sort of a "hi and bi" agenda that bore no fruit.

But the ferret was happy. He was well cared for and ate turkey at xmas time like any other self respecting God fearing ferret. He met a lovely young ferret two doors down and they watched tele, worked out in their ferret gym, paid their taxes, and generally kept their snouts clean. They had private ferret health care. Made a film...'ferret on high' (an unwashed version) 'Ferret Buellar's day off' (was steamed cleaned,bought a Ferret Ferrari, smashed it,made do with a ferret army vechile to fire pon enemy targets. IE: 'Ferret eating' rabbits.

Now, back to mine bad self, Des Dig 'em Deeper. My smash repair business was falling on hard times due to the fact that driver education made people aware that sitting in the driver's seat of a car, bus, truck,f erret army vechile, carried with it a certain amount of responsibilty. You have to steer. T

hat,combined with pressing on the brakes to slow down to a speed at which one could stop sometime in the near future made a thing called 'road safety' fees able. Thus cutting fees incurred when you didn't. Ferret insurance went down. People arrived home from work more and more often in one piece...and sober! However, despite man's best efforts we all die.

At some time. Sorry to hit you with this but there's simply no other way I can break it to you. Doesn't matter how many diamonds 'Lucy in the sky' ends up with, how many ferret anti-death tablets one takes, we all stop breathing. Now here's where my new burial system comes in.

I will not be undercut by any other existing funeral service. My plan is this. You rock up with a signed statement from a loved one that you're dead and Bob's your uncle. Bob! you're welcome too!

I bulk bill. Just bring bulky Bill along, we'll chat over a whisky and I'll fit Bill in somewhere where he'll feel at home. Perhaps even his own home as long as it's not on the 10th floor or under it as it will cost extra otherwise.

Of course there would be a concession if you grab one leg and I'll grab the other and we could in fact have a 'drag race' to the ground floor. Bill will be treated with the utmost respect during this procedure.

A soft downy pillow will be strapped to the back of Bill's head to avoid bruises. If Bill happens to be a Democratic Republican I could just push him down the laundry chute provided you catch him at the receiving end. Dead or alive Bill will feel nothing. After all he didn't in politics now did he?

The service will be no-frills. "Bill was he's left the building! Bill leaves many little bills behind" and this is what I have been meaning to talk to you good people about. You see the whole story is about looking at life and enjoying it.

Don't Judge. Don't Dread. Don't stick diamonds in every crevice of your being. Look at the diamond twinkles in your kid's eyes. If they reflect your goodness and upbringing for a decent life they and you are going to enjoy a wonderful long life.

That's something we all should be dying to share. Forget about the bills for a while, they won't go away, but then neither should you prematurely worrying yourself to death over them.


About the Writer

Bio...bioio...daylight come an i wanna go home. Come missa tele man tele me banana. A banana tele? Seriously would like to hook up with other comedy writers to engage.
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4 comments on Des Dig 'em Deeper.

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By Coach Phatty on July 14, 2013 at 09:43 pm

Well said my friend....well said!!

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By riginal on July 15, 2013 at 12:40 am


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By JennyT on August 26, 2013 at 06:07 am

Had to read this as I have just become a Funeral Celebrant! Brought a smile.

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By riginal on August 26, 2013 at 08:44 am

Jenny T i wish you well but i'm not dead certain you've chosen the right vocation? Maybe living is death and you are about to become an usher/precursor to a much better place where happiness and harmony reign supreme...and never is heard a discouraging word? Hope everything falls into pun intended! of luck. :>)

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