RANDY MITCHELL I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY? RIGINAL.
Some time back in a fit of silliness I made the statement "public health care is on par with PRIVATE health care."
I retract that statement along with my nose which suffered hacking drilling and nostrildamnass pain. I'll start from the start. Been waiting for a 'stand-by-call' to get my nose fixed on the public agenda. Ms Agenda rang to ask me after a few dozen monthlys if i still required the op. I said "no, I would prefer a head transplant which in effect would encapsulate the nose and thus encapsulated would eventually rear its ugly septum and therefore be fixed.
Don't get me wrong, doctors, surgeons, nurses, staff cleaners- everybody did a great job. It's the way they go about things in hospitals. 'Third person' non-interviews. No-one consults the patient, whom I have heard is one of the main participants in most operations. Could be wrong? Arrived in the dark. Dropped my overnight bag after tripping over the taxi curb (built to stop people tripping over the taxi curb,into the bushes.) Bushes are good. Scraped my knee a bit but at least a hospital was within sight. Was chewing chewing gum when supposed to be fasting. Spat it out. Told to don surgical gown which I couldn't do up because you can't by yourself? Or have I been endowed with shorter than ape arms? When I got the gown on I realized that I had taken my underpants off too? I mean who the hell gets a septum op done through their backside? ME! Put my underwear back on and sat sensibly in the cold...as long as your nose gets fixed who cares about freezing to death?
Told not to take morning insulin prior to op. Didn't. Three surgeons telling me that my blood sugar being 20 meant they couldn't operate. "But you guys told me not to take my morning dose...?" More conversation and a nurse wanted to know why my blood sugar was so high? "Because dear...I was told NOT to inject in case I had a hypo during the op and thus faced facing God when I didn't have my excuse for dying abruptly. So they all walked away and i suggested i take some insulin which would then make me more attractive 'operable' wise.They thought it was a good idea as then they would have an opportunity to operate which is what y'all turned up for anyway which is good. Operational solidarity. A nurse stuck a few hundred stubs of needles in. She stuffed one up and had a few other shoves and said sorry. As long as people say sorry I don't mind as i have another arm laying round idle at any one time anyway.
The senior nurse told the junior nurse to put ID tags on BOTH arms and one leg. In case one went missing? I know arms are more valuable as a matching set. And it goes without saying a leg up or down missing is not that important.In to the operating table for two hours. Out, sugar tested ok.Except for my nose i felt ok. Though i wasn't quite sure exactly where it was. Into recovery which on the bay said 'extremely important person.' Then they shifted me after they realized their mistake. They put me next to the pregnant Cabbage Patch Doll where i started to recover and i heard the doctor tell the 'death watch' attendant to give me an inordinate amount of insulin during recovery which was going to kill me but i'm not the sort of person to complain about such trivial things. Death can come at any time in ones life and you have to accept it and get on with living. I yelled out "you're over injecting."
Nup! no one listened. While later I told the attending nurse to get me a biscuit, sandwich, and a drink or I would die just to annoy the shit out of him thus putting a bad mark on his record and the bed. He rang the head doctor first though to get his opinion (what sort of biscuit etc?) He then brought me a biscuit, saying "the doctor said this will make you feel better, don't panic! If you start to die we have a great hospital within reach!" Had all these lines attached. They started flicking all these switches and I was tied down like a marooned whale, bed beached. Talked to all the women, nearly sold my house to one. Wun, a Korean nurse, told me I had to urinate in a see-through bottle. I didn't really want to as it felt uncomfortable so I re-adjusted the bottle and leant forward...pulling a main line out which someone had tangled round the cage on the bed which set off an emergency alarm. Wun stuck her gums round the corner of the bed 'death shroud' her face barely 12" from my willy sitting inert unresposive trickless. She kept staring? My willy is just a run-of-the-mill-willy. Nothing special. No gallantry awards of valor, plain bog standard laying in a see-through bottle. Bloody embarrassing...and I'm not easily embarrassed.
I forgot to mention that I was wearing white tight stockings to prevent a clot, which I was quite used to being anyway. Wun moved on. Holding a brief trickle. Which she said wasn't enough. What the hell am i? A garden hose? I looked like a Ebenezza Scrooge en route to a piss up. The food was ok. The custard folded nicely, the pears tasting like the main branch of the pear tree. The biscuits were butterless and the sandwiches thankfully sandless. With bread round the edges for identification. I dropped one on the floor-deliberately. Keeps the clean-up guy on his toes or as in this case...nearly on his ass as curried egg is a pretty good slipper. If you like curried egg slippers. The bed was hired from a gnome shop. You couldn't fart for fear of knocking your kneecaps to smithereens.
Randy you'll like this pubic health bit. The bloody NOISE was like being the centrepiece of a horn ensemble plus chinks bangs bongs blat rattle hum. The lights turned full on in case someone tried to escape to freedom to PRIVATE health to see if their privates weren't being shown on u tube. Or maybe their u tubes being displayed in a see-thru bottle privately. Nothing could get worse. Until Mr Snot arrived with the worst influenza i have ever had to endure. He honked and splatted and banged and battered everything within a nasal decampment of snotsville in dribble dum cough splatter sneeze sight. He didn't cover his mouth because i suppose he got extra Broowaha points for everyone he infected...possibly promoted to head snot king. And he went on all night. And morning. I asked for a cup of tea but not with yellow mellow topping. He sneezed all over the plastic teacup...nothing on the saucer...there wasn't any. Look it wasn't that bad and the doctors and everyone were great...even when they were trying to fit me in the trash can ready to go home.
I staggered out the next morning...tripped over the same taxi curb...skinned my knee. But i wasn't going for a band aid or anywhere Mr Snot gobbles. The young office girl had pulled some of the patches off and needles out and i had to cut my elastic skintight tights off because they got stuck on my legs.I'm sitting at home with my bloody nose and the worst flu i've ever had. Randy can I borrow your privates next time I go in? I just hope that Wun is not down the pub dobbing my willy in. Honestly, next time I go public I'm leaving my genitals and willy at home. Who nose? This procedure may catch on? I know I sound like I'm whining but next time I'm going to a vet. They shoot nags don't they?
Cheers...have a nice day and thank you doctors nurses and all. And Mr Snotsman.