Sunday, July 22, 2018

Hospitals are sick. RIGINAL.

by riginal (writer), moe australia, June 28, 2013

Credit: free
snotsville tavern

Give me public any day. It'll make a man out of you...if you're woman enough to take it?


Some time back in a fit of silliness I made the statement "public health care is on par with PRIVATE health care."

I retract that statement along with my nose which suffered hacking drilling and nostrildamnass pain. I'll start from the start. Been waiting for a 'stand-by-call' to get my nose fixed on the public agenda. Ms Agenda rang to ask me after a few dozen monthlys if i still required the op. I said "no, I would prefer a head transplant which in effect would encapsulate the nose and thus encapsulated would eventually rear its ugly septum and therefore be fixed.

Don't get me wrong, doctors, surgeons, nurses, staff cleaners- everybody did a great job. It's the way they go about things in hospitals. 'Third person' non-interviews. No-one consults the patient, whom I have heard is one of the main participants in most operations. Could be wrong? Arrived in the dark. Dropped my overnight bag after tripping over the taxi curb (built to stop people tripping over the taxi curb,into the bushes.) Bushes are good. Scraped my knee a bit but at least a hospital was within sight. Was chewing chewing gum when supposed to be fasting. Spat it out. Told to don surgical gown which I couldn't do up because you can't by yourself? Or have I been endowed with shorter than ape arms? When I got the gown on I realized that I had taken my underpants off too? I mean who the hell gets a septum op done through their backside? ME! Put my underwear back on and sat sensibly in the long as your nose gets fixed who cares about freezing to death?

Told not to take morning insulin prior to op. Didn't. Three surgeons telling me that my blood sugar being 20 meant they couldn't operate. "But you guys told me not to take my morning dose...?" More conversation and a nurse wanted to know why my blood sugar was so high? "Because dear...I was told NOT to inject in case I had a hypo during the op and thus faced facing God when I didn't have my excuse for dying abruptly. So they all walked away and i suggested i take some insulin which would then make me more attractive 'operable' wise.They thought it was a good idea as then they would have an opportunity to operate which is what y'all turned up for anyway which is good. Operational solidarity. A nurse stuck a few hundred stubs of needles in. She stuffed one up and had a few other shoves and said sorry. As long as people say sorry I don't mind as i have another arm laying round idle at any one time anyway.

The senior nurse told the junior nurse to put ID tags on BOTH arms and one leg. In case one went missing? I know arms are more valuable as a matching set. And it goes without saying a leg up or down missing is not that important.In to the operating table for two hours. Out, sugar tested ok.Except for my nose i felt ok. Though i wasn't quite sure exactly where it was. Into recovery which on the bay said 'extremely important person.' Then they shifted me after they realized their mistake. They put me next to the pregnant Cabbage Patch Doll where i started to recover and i heard the doctor tell the 'death watch' attendant to give me an inordinate amount of insulin during recovery which was going to kill me but i'm not the sort of person to complain about such trivial things. Death can come at any time in ones life and you have to accept it and get on with living. I yelled out "you're over injecting."

Nup! no one listened. While later I told the attending nurse to get me a biscuit, sandwich, and a drink or I would die just to annoy the shit out of him thus putting a bad mark on his record and the bed. He rang the head doctor first though to get his opinion (what sort of biscuit etc?) He then brought me a biscuit, saying "the doctor said this will make you feel better, don't panic! If you start to die we have a great hospital within reach!" Had all these lines attached. They started flicking all these switches and I was tied down like a marooned whale, bed beached. Talked to all the women, nearly sold my house to one. Wun, a Korean nurse, told me I had to urinate in a see-through bottle. I didn't really want to as it felt uncomfortable so I re-adjusted the bottle and leant forward...pulling a main line out which someone had tangled round the cage on the bed which set off an emergency alarm. Wun stuck her gums round the corner of the bed 'death shroud' her face barely 12" from my willy sitting inert unresposive trickless. She kept staring? My willy is just a run-of-the-mill-willy. Nothing special. No gallantry awards of valor, plain bog standard laying in a see-through bottle. Bloody embarrassing...and I'm not easily embarrassed.

I forgot to mention that I was wearing white tight stockings to prevent a clot, which I was quite used to being anyway. Wun moved on. Holding a brief trickle. Which she said wasn't enough. What the hell am i? A garden hose? I looked like a Ebenezza Scrooge en route to a piss up. The food was ok. The custard folded nicely, the pears tasting like the main branch of the pear tree. The biscuits were butterless and the sandwiches thankfully sandless. With bread round the edges for identification. I dropped one on the floor-deliberately. Keeps the clean-up guy on his toes or as in this case...nearly on his ass as curried egg is a pretty good slipper. If you like curried egg slippers. The bed was hired from a gnome shop. You couldn't fart for fear of knocking your kneecaps to smithereens.

Randy you'll like this pubic health bit. The bloody NOISE was like being the centrepiece of a horn ensemble plus chinks bangs bongs blat rattle hum. The lights turned full on in case someone tried to escape to freedom to PRIVATE health to see if their privates weren't being shown on u tube. Or maybe their u tubes being displayed in a see-thru bottle privately. Nothing could get worse. Until Mr Snot arrived with the worst influenza i have ever had to endure. He honked and splatted and banged and battered everything within a nasal decampment of snotsville in dribble dum cough splatter sneeze sight. He didn't cover his mouth because i suppose he got extra Broowaha points for everyone he infected...possibly promoted to head snot king. And he went on all night. And morning. I asked for a cup of tea but not with yellow mellow topping. He sneezed all over the plastic teacup...nothing on the saucer...there wasn't any. Look it wasn't that bad and the doctors and everyone were great...even when they were trying to fit me in the trash can ready to go home.

I staggered out the next morning...tripped over the same taxi curb...skinned my knee. But i wasn't going for a band aid or anywhere Mr Snot gobbles. The young office girl had pulled some of the patches off and needles out and i had to cut my elastic skintight tights off because they got stuck on my legs.I'm sitting at home with my bloody nose and the worst flu i've ever had. Randy can I borrow your privates next time I go in? I just hope that Wun is not down the pub dobbing my willy in. Honestly, next time I go public I'm leaving my genitals and willy at home. Who nose? This procedure may catch on? I know I sound like I'm whining but next time I'm going to a vet. They shoot nags don't they?

Cheers...have a nice day and thank you doctors nurses and all. And Mr Snotsman.

About the Writer

Bio...bioio...daylight come an i wanna go home. Come missa tele man tele me banana. A banana tele? Seriously would like to hook up with other comedy writers to engage.
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2 comments on Hospitals are sick. RIGINAL.

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By Barbara MacDonald on July 09, 2013 at 06:07 pm

Oh do have public health care here in Canada...and in many ways it is wonderful...but also there are many issues caused by is a yin and yang kind of thing. Yes, you will be treated , but often have to wait far too long to actually have the treatment you need. People die at times before is concerning to say the least.

I personally hate being in the hospital... So what did u actually have done? Not sure I caught that...Hope all is well always...uniquely Riginal...:-)

OOPs I clcked the wrong star...should of been five...sorry... I hit 4 instead :-( ok let me go rate another to make this right.

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By riginal on July 09, 2013 at 08:41 pm

Barb don't worry about rating me at all, my missus says that i'm too low to be rated but i have managed to crawl out from underneath a snake's belly by the skin of its teeth fang you very much! In two hours op they drilled banged bone out and rearranged my sinuses which now reside in my pocket! (kidding).I've been so crook and i'm registered as a coward on the 'pain tolerance' scale,but i'm coming good.But the fool on duty had a horrendus flue and passed it on to me at no cost. Serious Barb the houses in America are to say the least CHEAP! However, the bug bear which i have noted flicking through health care charges in America are also horrendus,like $18.000 out of pocket on a not too complicated surgery.Also, some guy left a comment,"if you can find a doctor in Canada?" when he was commenting? Axe to grind? Look the doctors particulary the nurses were wonderful but i don't why one nurse suggested to my surgeon that she may have to put 'gaffer' tape over my mouth for the duration of my one day stay! Honestly! i don't think they wanted me there? We had some laughs anyway.Australia and Canada and that other place called America are great places but i guess like Randy Mitchell said once,"user pays." Anyway Barb i'll have to get 'rent a crowd' in for my funeral as my missus said that she's working the day i you'll be cordially invited as i'm leaving my body to science but i hope i don't get to cut up about it? I mean i've stated before,my brain would be ideal for transplantation as it's hardly been used! Not even out of its wrapper! Must go girl trying to sell my house,prefferably while i'm still alive. Cheers. Be interested to read on differences on health care between our countries but you have God taking care of you so you have a distinct advantage! lol. Please don't let m09 read this as she'll come out enraged and tell me off for even suggesting Canadian health care is dear? God's looking after her too ,but, so you girls may be biased. See! i can write briefly? Bye now. :>)).

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