Today was the worst day of my life. This morning my mom burnt my waffles, and we were out of delicious maple syrup. Then I missed the bus and had to run all the way to school. When I got there a bully punched me in the belly and stole my lunch money. At lunch I had to sit there hungry, longing for those dry crispy waffles. At recess a bird flew by and pooped on my head. All the kids laughed and called me “poopy head,” and I had to go to the nurse to have her wash the poop out of my hair. In the afternoon I failed my African Animals spelling test because I thought that “elephant” has a double f and I forgot that “gnu” has a silent g. On the bus ride home the driver went too fast around a corner and I fell out of my seat, and I landed on some gum someone had spit on the floor, and it stuck to the seat of my pants. All the kids laughed at me again and called me “bubble gum butt” when I got off the bus. Why does life have to be so hard? Why am I even alive? I never asked to be born. It’s not fair!
Dear Sad Sam,
I normally don’t answer questions from children, because children are too fragile and stupid to handle the truth bombs I drop on them. I’m making an exception for you though because your problems are not the usual childhood nonsense. So get ready to be blown away.
To answer your first question: life is hard because that’s just life. I know that’s not a very comforting answer, but it’s the truth. You’re not unique here; we’re all in the same boat; life is hard for everybody. But that doesn’t mean that it’s all bad. You’ll have good days too, and learning to overcome life’s challenges is how you’ll grow into a stronger healthier person.
To answer your second question: you are alive because your parents had sex. Your father stuck his penis into your mother’s vagina, he shot out a load of semen, and one of those sperm traveled to your mother’s waiting egg and impregnated it. About nine months later you slipped out of your mother’s vagina and into the world. I bet those visual images brightened up your day, didn’t they?
To address your last concern: none of us asked to be born, but we were all lucky enough to be. That’s right, I said lucky. Life is a gift to be cherished, not a curse to be bemoaned. Do you know what you would be if you weren’t alive? You’d be NOTHING. You’d be bodiless, floating in a void, surrounded by infinite emptiness, black, silent, unmoving, unchanging, for all eternity. How boring would that be? I’d rather have some bird shit in my hair and some gum on my ass. Know what I mean?
So stop agonizing about your bad day and put it behind you. Tomorrow will be better. It has to be.
Peace, Love, and Accepting the Gift of Life,