I want to be an important, famous person. I want to be a celebrity! I want everyone to know my name, and care about what I say, and follow my every move, and talk about me, and take my picture, and ask for my autograph. I want to see my own face on television and magazine covers. I want this more than anything in the world! The problem is that I don’t have any real talent. I’m not good at anything. How am I ever going to become famous and get people to pay attention to me when I have no abilities?
Dear Unfamous Fae,
Yours is a dream shared by many unremarkable people these days. Our society indulges greedily in celebrity worship, where famous people are ascribed often-undeserved importance, and any mildly interesting aspect of their lives is open to public discussion for approval or criticism. I can’t imagine why anyone would want to live life in the public eye, but I guess I’m a strange person to begin with, so maybe I just don’t get it.
Luckily for you, though, our culture has progressed to such a high level that being famous no longer requires skill, ability, or talent of any kind! All you need to be famous these days is an outrageous personality, a complete lack of shame, and a keen marketing sense. Here’s a step-by-step guide to get you started on the road to unmerited fame.
1) If it’s not already, turn your life into a twisted mangled train wreck, so bad that your underlying humanity is barely recognizable. Your life should become the kind of thing that people are ashamed to look at, yet can’t take their eyes off of. You could let yourself get revoltingly fat and unhealthy, or become an out-of-control party animal, or a wretched addict, or a recklessly promiscuous sex freak, or a cut-throat competitor in inconsequential contests, or any number of other over-the-top personas that will attract people’s attention. The more shocking your behavior, the better: you want people to not be able to believe what they’re seeing.
2) Adopt the appropriate attitude: you are the greatest, most important person in the world. Be obnoxiously proud of your clusterfuck of a life. Everything you do is sunshine and rainbows, and anyone who doesn’t like it can kiss your sassy ass.
3) Post videos of your crazy life on the internet. Promote your videos through social media and let the word spread. Before long you’ll be on TV with a reality show and everyone will know your name.
People will love you because your deplorable lifestyle will give them an excuse to ignore the problems in their own lives. Your celebrity will make the faults and weaknesses of the average person acceptable, because compared to you the average person becomes a paradigm of virtue. You will have made your mark on the world by greatly contributing to the general decay and demise of society. Congratulations!
Peace, Love, and Fame at All Costs,