My teenage daughter is a rotten little bitch. She argues with me about everything, and she insists she’s always right. And she’s so mean to me. She tells me that she hates me, that she must’ve been adopted, that I can’t possibly be her real mom because she’s so smart and I’m so stupid. When she sees how much it hurts me, she goes further and begs me to take her to live with her real mom. I’m only trying to raise her properly, set appropriate boundaries and teach her how to be responsible. I don’t deserve this kind of abuse! How can I unbitchify my daughter?
Dear Miserable Mom,
Oh, the joys of parenting! Devoting all your time and resources to raising up a young lady who then treats you like an old retarded dog who’s always in her way. I’m scheduling a vasectomy for tomorrow.
I think what your daughter needs is a lesson on perspective. Show her just how lucky she is to have a mom who loves her and cares about her well-being and her future – even when she rejects and doesn’t deserve that kind of care.
Here’s the plan. Find a down-on-her-luck crackwhore living on the shitty side of town. Don’t make any contact with her – just find out who she is and where she lives. The next time your daughter mentions being adopted and wanting to live with her real mom, give in and admit that she’s right. Tell her to pack her bags and you’ll take her to her mom.
Then drive her to the crackwhore’s rundown abode. When you pull up, take a good long look at your daughter’s face – you’ll want to savor that crestfallen expression. Knock on the door and introduce your daughter to her “mom” and vice versa. The crackwhore will very likely act confused and deny her as a daughter. This is perfect, as it will make your daughter feel unwanted, much as she tries to make you feel. Insist that your version of the story is correct – you remember everything clearly and she, after all, is a crackwhore. Then say farewell and good luck to your daughter and drive home.
All you have to do then is wait for her to come begging for you to take her back. It should only take a couple hours, depending on how far away the crackwhore lives. Make a deal with her – you’ll take her back and be her mom as long as she promises to treat you better. She’ll agree in a heartbeat. And if she ever starts slipping back into her bitchy ways, just threaten to take her to live with her mother. She’ll behave, she’ll appreciate you much more, and she’ll show you the respect you deserve.
Peace, Love, and Happy Mother’s Day,