My family is driving me crazy. They all want me to get married, like immediately, and they won’t stop riding my ass about it. The pressure starts at the top, with my grandmother. She keeps telling me that when she was my age, she was already married with three children. Once she starts, my aunts (my mom has four sisters) all chime in. “Are you dating anyone special?” “When are going to settle down and start a family?” It’s gone from funny to uncomfortable to really annoying, and now I try to avoid family gatherings just to escape the harassment. But my mom is by far the worst. She pesters me daily to meet a man to marry, and she’s always trying to set me up with undateable losers. She even threatens to haunt me from the grave if I don’t provide her with grandchildren before she dies. I’m fed up with all this pressure, especially when they claim they just want me to be happy. As if they know what makes me happy! I’m only 23, and I want to live a little before I start a family. How can I make my family understand that I’ll only get married when I’m damn well ready, and they should all just shut the hell up about it?
Dear Unmarried Mary,
The mature thing to do would be to sit down with your offending family members for a heart-to-heart discussion. Express your appreciation that they’re concerned for your happiness, honestly share your feelings about marriage, and implore them to support you as you live life on your own terms.
Your family may appreciate this mature approach, and it may get them off your back for a little while. But before too long they’ll get impatient and start harassing you again. Which is just more proof that maturity is a vastly overrated attribute.
If you really want things to change, you’ll have to make a lasting impression on them with some type of sensational act. I’m talking about real “shock and awe” kind of stuff. Leave them so dumbfounded that they’ll never want to talk to you about marriage again. I have the perfect idea.
Invite your family over for a special announcement. Greet them wearing a full-body stuffed animal suit. Proudly announce that you are a “plushie” – a person who gets sexual gratification from stuffed animals. Describe in great detail the plushie lifestyle (here’s a link to some plushie information if you need to do some research). Especially focus on the practice of “yiffing,” which is where a group of plushies don their animal suits and get together in a room to rub up against each other in an orgy of comical proportions.
Top it off by saying that you could never marry a man, or a woman, but would only consider being betrothed to a stuffed animal. Your grandmother may swoon, your mother may cry, and your aunts may stare in mute stupefaction – but at least they’ll think twice before bringing up the topics of dating and marriage in your presence!
Peace, Love, and Relieving the Pressure to Marry,