BLOG 4. EMILY HOTSCHSPANK W.A.S. INTERVIEWED BY CNN. riginal.
Founder of W.A.S. (Women Against Sex) 94 year-old-old Emily Hotschspank is interviewed prior to her 'around the world in 80 ways' trip to spread the Gospel against Men. She has a staunch supporter in interviewer Kath Klenchthighs.Although Kath herself is a bit tempted. Waiting to be converted...or a convertor?
KK: "Ladies bereft of Men and the horrible stains they leave all over the place, i'm Kath Klenchthighs. With me today is Emily Hotschspank founder of W.A.S. Women Against Sex. What brings you here today Emily? (applause).
EH: "Bus 40 to Stiffupper Lip Place,Kath.Then downhill to CNN with Klenchthighs on collapsable mountain bike."
KK: (LAUGHS) "I must say Em n' Em I Klenchthighs in a taxi in New York. And yet you ride a collapsable mountain bike uphill, downhill, over the hill, at the age of 94!"
EH: (ANGRY) : "I'm not over the hill at 94! And I'm certainly in no state of collapse. That manmade m bike did when I cracked the ton hitting reception. Shook everyone's mound up."
KK: "No no no, I meant Emily that you're an 'up n' over' sprightly young at fart lady. Ruth on reception remarked that even after you hit the solid stainless steel reception desk you were up and about picking spokes out of your cheeks and your 'look-a-like' genuine squirrel hair Dolly Parton wig like a true pro. Once Ruth popped your teeth back in, you backfired several times and carried on like nothing had happened...as 911 medics wheeled you to make up and rearranged your squirrel. Do you think Emily the squirrel claw earrings were a bit over the top and clawing your cheeks a tad?"
EH: " ot really Kath, I refuse to allow anything like artificial glue to touch my person. When you're touching 100 mph in the old klms per foot the claws are mandatory. Stops my squirrel from becoming 'hair born.' The spokes you were just talking about that the 'female variety' medics so kindly helped ram back in my blown bent outer rim was a pleasant surprise, a pleasant feeling indeed. Well spoken Kath. Of course I blew the guts out of my inner tubes. You know Kath these bloody...not being rascist...foreign-made recycled jam tin mountain bikes can't even cope with a head-on with a reception desk let alone a bloody mountain! It's still under warranty thank God!"
KK: "So it's another bike for Emily?"
EH: "No no no Kath...another squirrel claw-clenched squirrel hair genuine 'look-a-like' Dolly Parton hair boof replacement. The squirrel crapped itself...nearly clawed my scalp to bits girl!" It's under 'no nuts' warranty which indeed fell off...after its eyes popped out! I was blinded by the bleeding squirrel. They just don't make mountain bike squirrel wigs like they used to in Korea. They made a Korea out of good quality wig warms. Good in tent and outside tent in heavy winds."
KK: "Isn't that a bit cruel wearing a 'live' squirrel. Em?"
EM: "That's what I said to the S....head wig seller. He offered to kill it THEN put it on my head...but that's cruel so I said,"live and pet live." It'll be alright. It's going in for a 'popeye the Squirrel Man' Olive oil eye replacement pop-in after the interview. It only had one nut to begin with anyway...might as well get a complete nutter like the one that's writing this anyway. Once the squirrel's other nut is replaced and oiled up with leftover Olive oil the replenished refurbished little bushy nutter will be set free in a nearby nutter forest in downtown Harlem. He's already signed up for 'public squirrel care' and nut stamps. Plus tickets to see 'Alvin the Wigmaker.' A story bout a one pending one nutted squirrel that can't even seem to keep his head or anybody else's together. The twist being the young 'try hard' claws his way back into CNN as an imitation 'Davey Crocket' hat which becomes a long running series of bush nuts chasing Indian rubber men round a furest until he develops fur balls after sitting on a Congressional seat impregnated with furry tales bout Robin Hood. A fur hood who robs fur m the poor to give to the rich big wigs."
KK: "Em, we've got to move on from the squirrel big wigs whom we know are de-nutting the public purse as we squeak. You're going round the world in eighty ways to make women aware that the male species should be shunned...how are you going to go about that in as few words as you can muster."
EM: "Musta geta ridda ofa men ace."
KK: "Em what brings about your hatred...your despization of men. Are they not part of the fabric of what a woman looks for in man?...someone who brings home the bacon, laughing and gay?"
EM: (puzzled) "What the bloody hell are you talking about Kath..."gay laughing bacon?" Look i don't care whether the bacon is gay,convulsed with laughter, or not...men don't tickle my fancy at all..."
KK: (DEMURELY) " Em have you ever been in love?"
EM: "Was rather fond of my squirrel before it crapped itself at high speed and dented the reception desk..."
KK: "Not alluding to your popeyed squirrel Em...have you ever felt a man's hot desire in the middle of the night."
EM: "Reiterate Kath. Rather a popeyed clawing terrified squirrel on my head at 100 mph headbutting a stainless steel receptionist desk and a mouth full of bent spokespersons tryin' to pull threm out of my cheeks by gum!"
KK: "Em what turns you on?"
EM: "Mountain bikes at 100 mph with my teeth in. And a new wig."
KK: "Ahhh...what about mountain men Em...a muscular hunk with no brains and a willy to die for?"
EM: "Kath I couldn't handle a brainless dyed willy!"
KK: "Why Em?"
EM: "Kath I don't want dye all over my body. Dyed the squirrel blue...been blue ever since."
KK: "Em what about a mountain man in tandem on a mountain bike at 100 mph wearing nothing but a Davey Crocket hat with his musket fully loaded ready to blow you to kingdom come. Complete with a box of chocolates and a case of Bud. He uses only his love for you as a brake."
EM: "Ummm...YEAH KATH!...GIVE ME A BREAK BUD! n a box of chocolates. But no funny hanky panky Kath."
KK: "Emily Hotschspank...ladies...we have to go to a break...stop peddling Emily. We'll be right back up after a tyre shredding short sharp brake!" cheers........