My new girlfriend is jealous, obsessive, and possessive. She reads my e-mails and goes through my phone to check my calls, texts, and pictures. She gets furious if I talk to other women. I think she might be psychotic, and I know she’s dangerous. “If you leave me, I’ll hunt you down.” “If I ever catch you with another woman, I’ll kill the bitch. Then I’ll kill you.” These are the types of things she says to me every day. We’ve only been dating for a few weeks! I want to get away from her, but I’m afraid she’ll actually carry out her threats. She carries a knife with her everywhere she goes. She calls it “Mr. Stabby.” I’m scared shitless. What can I do?
Dear Scared Scott,
You’ve found yourself in the middle of a blazing whirlwind of a shitstorm. It’s a messy and dangerous position from which you have to very carefully extract yourself. I have a plan that will bring you out alive, but you’ll have to get your hands dirty. I hope you have the stomach for it.
Use her threats and her batshit craziness to carry them out against her. She says that if she catches you with another woman she’ll kill you both. Count on it! Engineer just such a situation to challenge her to make good on her threat.
First you’ll need a woman to sacrifice. It doesn’t really matter who she is, as long as you have absolutely no feelings for her. Take her out to a classy crowded restaurant for dinner. You want the restaurant to be crowded so there are plenty of eyes to witness the criminal tragedy that will unfold. You want the restaurant to be classy because this will be the unlucky lady’s last meal, and it’s only proper to send her out in style.
At this dinner you’ll need two things: a throwaway phone and a can of mace. When you’re eating the appetizer, use the phone to send an anonymous text to your girlfriend, saying “Your man is cheating at such-and-such restaurant.” By the time you’re digging into dessert, your girlfriend will arrive in a rage, pull out “Mr. Stabby,” and run him through your sacrificial dinner companion. LET THIS HAPPEN! Don’t make a move to stop her until she turns the blade on you. Then pull out the mace and spray it in her face. That should incapacitate her until the police arrive.
She’ll be convicted of murder and go to prison for a long time, and you’ll be free from your scary relationship. Just choose your next girlfriend more carefully.
Peace, Love, and Crazy Bitches,