My boyfriend is cheating on me! Probably. Maybe. The other night he called to say he was working overtime and he would be home late. He never works late! Then when he got home he brought me flowers to apologize for being late. He never brings me flowers! Right after we put the flowers in a vase he jumped in the shower. He never showers right after work! Later that night I offered him my body and he said he wasn’t in the mood. He never turns down sex! I can’t help but think he cheated on me. What do you think? And if he did cheat, what should I do?
Dear Suspicious Susanna,
Let’s calm down and think about this rationally. What you have is a handful of coincidences that in no way prove your boyfriend cheated. So he worked late – maybe his boss asked him to put in some extra time. Or maybe he was frolicking after hours with a sexy co-worker. So he brought you flowers – maybe he wanted to show you how much he loves you. Or maybe he was trying to cover up his guilty feelings for having cheated. So he took a shower at an irregular time – maybe he just needed to relax after a long day of work. Or maybe he had to wash off the scent of his whore before you noticed it. And so he didn’t want to have sex with you – actually, I can’t think of any logical explanation for that. Oh my God, that dirty-dicked dastardly bastard is banging some buxom blonde bimbo behind your back! Busted!
You need to take vicious and judicious revenge on this no-good cheating frisky-dick and his loose-vagina’d wench-slut. After all, it takes two to cheat – the bastard and the bitch. They both need to feel the full assault of your fury. Massive paybacks!
Start with that home-wrecking cock-gobbler. Find out who she is and where she lives. Sneak into her bedroom while she sleeps, cut off all her hair, and superglue it to her pubic region. Next, slap a chastity belt on her and flush the key down the toilet. Then stand over her bed and sacrifice a live chicken. Use its freely flowing blood to paint a message on her wall: “Bitch, touch my man again and see what happens!” Stick the chicken’s severed head up her ass and leave the rest of the bloody carcass on her pillow. She’ll certainly think twice before approaching your (or any other) man again.
*Note: you may have to dose her with chloroform so she doesn’t wake up during your righteous attack.
The revenge on your boyfriend will take on a more psychological nature. His whore will undoubtedly tell him what you did to her. When he sees you’re capable of such vengeful acts, he’ll start to fear you. All you have left to do is to leave a cryptic note in his wallet: “If it happens again you’ll get the treatment.” He won’t even dream of putting his penis in a vagina that’s not yours!
Peace, Love, and Winning Your Man’s Faithfulness,