I exist in a den of iniquity, amidst the most perilous scoundrels this city has seen. I’m a single woman who, through unfortunate life circumstances, has been forced to move to the slums. Just outside my door I find gang members, drug dealers, hookers, and pimps. The only “legitimate” businesses in the area are seedy bars – the haunts of murderers and rapists. Needless to say, I do not feel safe. I’m afraid to leave my apartment, and when I’m here I fear that some thug will break in and murder me. How can I feel safe in my own home?
Dear Lady Afraid,
Yours is a problem of perception. You feel threatened by the ruffians and riff-raff in your neighborhood because you view their lifestyle as wrong or immoral. At the same time, you view yourself as righteous and good. So you perceive your neighbors as dangerous criminals, while you see yourself as a helpless innocent begging to be victimized.
Realize that right and wrong, moral and immoral are all just thoughts – they aren’t absolute entities that exist in the world at large. So change your perception of yourself. Forget all you know about how to be a good, moral citizen – these are just ideas planted in your head by people who want to control you and make you behave. Embrace the sinister lifestyle you find in your neighborhood. When you become one of the scoundrels, your fear will greatly diminish.
It will diminish, but it won’t disappear. You’ll still have reason to fear your neighbors, for the simple fact that they are the kind of people who will likely cause you harm. To be totally unafraid, you’ll need to become the most dangerous villain in the neighborhood. Become the one whom everyone else fears.
Stalk the streets wearing a conspicuously visible firearm. If anyone stares at it or makes a remark, pull the gun on him. You don’t have to shoot him, but a vicious pistol-whip across the face is perfectly acceptable.
Toss Molotov cocktails from your window. Aim at passing cars and pedestrians. It’s ok if you don’t hit them – this will actually make you more dangerous. Anyone on the street will be a potential victim of your hellfire randomly raining down from above.
Execute a puppy in the middle of the street. Yell out, “This rotten beast nuzzled up against my leg – and I hate being touched!” Leave the puppy corpse to rot in the street as a warning for everyone else to leave you the hell alone.
These are just a few suggestions for how you can overcome your fear of your neighbors. Remember that you need to be aggressive and merciless if you are going to transform yourself into the most feared person in the neighborhood. When you start to notice people turning around and going the other way when they see you coming down the street, you’ll know you’ve arrived. Fear will be something that other people have to worry about!
Peace, Love, and Frightened Neighbors,