I want to get high, but I can’t find any drugs. I’m an accountant, and during tax season work is so stressful that I need to get high to relieve the tension. I don’t have any friends who are into drugs, and if I approach my co-workers looking for a source I could get myself fired. Last week I went over to the shady side of town to try to buy some crack or whatever from a street dealer, but I didn’t know what I was doing and I got arrested. The cops let me off with just a warning and laughingly told me that people like me shouldn’t be buying drugs on the street. But they seemed to be implying that I should get my drugs somewhere else. I don’t get it. What am I missing? Where’s an overworked white collar accountant supposed to go for drugs?
Dear Get-Me-High Hugh,
What are you, an idiot? People in your position in society don’t need to be buying drugs from some hoodlum on the street. That’s beneath you. Street dealers are for teenagers who don’t know any better and poor people with no other choice. Well-to-do adults have safer means of procuring drugs.
I know what you’re probably thinking: “But most well-to-do adults don’t use drugs. They’re respectable members of the community who look down on drug users and dealers as a blight on society.” You’re right. Most “upstanding” citizens deem illegal drug use and the illegal drug trade as morally reprehensible activities, and they are quick in voicing their outrage. But don’t let their hypocrisy fool you! Many of these people use drugs on a regular basis. Since their drugs are legal and procured through lawful channels, they see themselves as somehow above and detached from the dangerous drug culture that pervades our society, even though their drug abuse can be just as destructive.
So follow the example of these drugged-up white-collar hypocrites: find a cool doctor who’s loose with his prescription pad and have him prescribe you whatever makes you feel good. As an expert professional dealer, he may even be able to recommend some good drugs to you, drugs that you didn’t even know existed. Then just pop your pills, sit back, and haughtily wag your finger at all those dirty drug users out there who are ruining their lives and dragging down society.
Peace, Love, and Getting High While Remaining Highly Respectable,