I work hard for my money, and I think it’s about damn time my money starts working for me. Right now it just sits in a bank account, earning hardly any interest. Lazy-ass money. I want to start investing it. The problem is, I know jack-shit about investing. Stocks, bonds, portfolios – I don’t even know what the hell those words mean. Make it easy for me. Tell me where to put my money so that it’ll make me even more money.
Lester the Investor
Dear Lester the Investor,
I also know nothing about investing, but I think if we use our common sense we can figure out the best strategy for your money. The whole idea in investing is to put your money behind a business, property, or enterprise that will be successful and earn more money. Pretty simple. The hard part, of course, is figuring out which businesses, properties, or enterprises will be successful. To determine this, we just need to look at human nature.
It stands to reason that the most successful businesses will be those which offer the products and services that people enjoy most. These will be the wisest places to invest your money. The question then, simply, is: what do people enjoy most? The answer is obvious: sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll.
Invest heavily in the sex industry. Buy stock in condom companies as well as the pharmaceutical companies that make boner, birth-control, and morning-after pills. Look into purchasing a share of the ownership of a strip club or an online porn website. You could even put up some money to back a fledgling pimp – give him the start-up cash to buy his fancy wardrobe and attract his first hos, then reap a percentage of his filthy dirty profits.
Also invest in the drug industry. Again, you can buy stock in pharmaceutical, tobacco, or alcohol companies, or you can purchase a share of a liquor store or bar. Don’t be shy about delving into the illegal drug trade as well. Just like with the pimp described above, you can back a drug dealer to help him get his career started. Then just sit back and watch the money roll in.
Investing in rock-n-roll is a bit tougher. It’s hard to make money when so many people get music for free from the internet. Also, you can’t back a musician like you would a pimp or a drug dealer: a musician would just spend the money on sex and drugs. Maybe you could invest in a night club that features live music. Throw some sexy naked dancers and an open-door drug policy into the mix, and you’ve got a can’t-miss investment. It’s a sure thing!
Peace, Love, and Wise Investing,