My crazy-ass girlfriend has turned Valentine’s Day from a relaxed celebration of our love to a pressure-packed referendum on our relationship. She says she got me “the perfect gift,” and she expects my gift for her to express my feelings for her as well as my hopes for the future of our relationship. What the hell does that even mean? What am I supposed to get her? A dozen roses and a box of chocolates? That seems too ordinary. Expensive jewelry or a fur coat? That seems too extravagant. Tickets to an opera? I can’t believe I would even suggest such a thing. I’m totally lost! Help me!
Dear Hapless Romeo,
Choosing what to buy a girlfriend for Valentine’s Day is a delicate decision. If the gift is too cheap, you send the message that she’s not worth much to you, and she dumps you. If the gift is too expensive, you send the message that you’re ready for a more serious relationship, and you’re stuck with her forever. Add to this utter confusion her dire warning that she expects great things, and you’ve got quite a quandary on your hands.
Unless of course you have a resource like me to reveal to you the perfect present to bestow on your lucky lady love. This simple gift is not only something that she’s always secretly longed for, but also something that you can enjoy together as a couple. Give her what the freaky French call a ménage-a-trois: a thrilling sexual three-way.
Every woman secretly wants to have sex with her boyfriend and another woman. Most of them are too ashamed to admit it, but they want it nonetheless. Your girlfriend’s heart will melt when she realizes you’ve deciphered her unspoken desires. What more could she possibly ask for?
Sharing this experience will also strengthen your relationship. She’ll trust you more, knowing that if you want to hit some strange you’ll bring it home to share with her. And you’ll appreciate her more, knowing that she’s cool enough to let you screw other chicks while she watches. Everybody wins!
So go on out there and find a hooker to take home to your honey. Make sure she’s hot (only the best for your boo!) and relatively disease-free (nothing kills a romance like Chlamydia). Then get ready for the most memorable Valentine’s Day you’ll ever have!
Peace, Love, and Putting the “Saint” in St. Valentine’s Day,