LAWRENCE OF EL- RIBIA. riginal.
This elusive search is factual. No sex. No sin. No inane half-baked bean jokes. No glorification of man's scrotumable conquest of the wild beaver of desirification. No intoxicational indent or indeed indoctrinational sleazy side- show of tittlating perversary flap. Except between two flaps of the desert.
In lieu of my impending sand foray I purchased on-line a "buy one get one free rotten toe-nail ointment dispenser that rids one of desert 'fungus foot'." So powerfully expensive that your foot disappears, and you are left in a state of de-nailment derailment.
I re-read the miniscule directions on the bottle and found the problematical solution too late. You don't DRINK it! You PAINT it on your nails. The hellhole I was about to put my fungally challenged feet in would not only test my courage...it would take me to a far flung GLAND of Egypt.
It was the camel driver's fault really. The bearded fool, Mu-Hammeedstretchnpulluppa f'allah'ssake STOP! tied the randy honky animal by his testicles to prevent the known 'humper' humping off. Maybe he should have nailed it to a post? He didn't. Who the hell ties a camel's T-halter to his beard?
The old sexual triangulated pushn'shove pursuit. Female 'ship of the desert' trots past with her thong "thinging" at half-mast. He-camel takes off in hot pursuit with his restricted thing endangled. Camel driver dragged unwillingly behind. Don't know whether you've ever seen a male camel humping a beard and a female hump simultaneously but I can assure you it's no way to get a bearded head butt.
Do you know...I untangled the three! The camel driver tells me to "pissabudoffachuma" then re-ties the T-halter to his OWN crown jewels! What an unmitigated ballsup in the murky sans of commonsense! I can't give you a blow-by-blow. I'd be stretchin' it. Look! If you're reading this during working hours you should be ashamed of yourselves. Do you think the President just shoots off camping?
There I was in uptown Car o...after getting off a plane o. Would have caught a bus o but my boss said "Oh no Ono!" I spoke car o ling o, told the driver to drive me out o' the outskirts of a woman's skirts known as Be-Sheba of the 14 veils. The driver stopped. My seat stopped 10 metres later. That's what you get for buying the 'cheap seat' on the pack-rack of a farting fiat 500.
It was nightfall. How the hell can night FALL? Encroach yes? Embrace...close in...yes...FALL? I suppose some of those English knights did at the 'battle of Hasty maidens'? Foul tin fore play?
The reason my boss, olive oil mogul Prince Greenmu-humad sent me here to the 'alternative fuel' 7-II store to meet Be-Sheba was because of the rumor that she knew of a ship of the desert with six humps. A veritable stretch limo to be fueled with non-polluting virgin olive oil that didn't need its hump's sump oil drained EVER!
The thinly veiled music started. I could see in the dim wit lit shop (the dim wit was that camel driver with his thingy's in a knot) a very large woman. She started her belly dance and I must say she was bally good. "Hawrence of El rapier" she whispered. I tutted. "Tut tut there girl, I'm Lawrence of El Ribia. She took off her last veil. The crowd clapped...I think some of them were?
Be-Sheba was alluring. But I ignored her beauties and her yo-yo gyrational navel. I came straight to her main points. "I be here Be-Sheba because you told me beforehand about a six humper on gas ready to be converted to olive power." Be dipped her finger in olive oil. It was then I heard a thud in an ajoining camel stable - and a yell I heard recently.
Be put her lubricated digit in the door, twisted the combination. 6 humps to the left 9 humps to the right. Pull down. There stood the stretch six hump limo...ENTANGLED with the dim wit's genitals plus the other two circling camels. Twelve humps of roped bedlam. It was driving me nuts...and his.
The bearded camel driver just didn't get it! I rang Prince olive Green. Flew the whole ca-boodle intact by Virgin to America. The good oil is that they operated on the camel driver. He's a New York parking inspector now. PLEASE! if you have overparked check the guy with the beard hasn't tied his crown jewels to your bumper...thanks.
The six hump limo didn't catch on in New York...could only go 7 days without humping. Or, was that without olive oil?...bit confused myself now.