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It's a mainly 'man thing' really. riginal

by riginal (writer), moe australia, February 06, 2013

Call it what you will,..it WILL come calling one day.

DARE MENOPAUSE AND ANDROPAUSE EMBRACE? riginal.

I wasn't going to go within a bull's roar of this subject as it's quite personal and a lot of offended spirits may shriek out of the ether of sexual disgust and heap scorn upon the horny dilemma ALL couples are faced with around midlife in varying degrees of temperature and time. Real and sometimes imagined 'intrusions' not accepted or welcomed with open or closed arms. BRING IT ON!

My apologies to HRC for any plagiarism she may feel in reference to her recent funny but true article on chillies orgasms and cake. This may not be up the male alley. Depends on your age. Let china dogs lie?

I don't expect any support or indeed comment from either side of the male or female fence. NOR will I hold back. After all, there are far more 'urgent' things in the world that should be discussed? Or is there? DON'T read on expecting tired old cliches and humor. One has to draw the line in the gland somewhere? I'm not a shrinking violent nor am I Ghengis "car'n we've cocked the world up let's have a root beer n' go home, the battle is over!" The battle is never over 'til the fat lady sings'. There's a generalizational female 'aside' for a start. How about, "the battle is not over 'til the'obese man sings?'

Let's start from the start in the 'no-woman's 'no-man's' dessert of 'abandoned' feelings. Of despair, depression, 'caked- up glazed- over resentment' useless feeling that getting older brings on; that sometimes women and MEN feel when they're at that 'vunerable point' in their life.

Both sides have given their all and may feel "what's life about?" Some divorce. Ok. Not for me to judge. Some go on the search to recapture the vibrancy that they expected to last their lifetime. Some women go on a surgical rampage to keep age at bay. Ok. Maybe their husbands loved them just as they were? Not judging.

What about us men? Got a comb over? Shave your head. Honestly, it looks a hell of a lot better when you're on the interstate in your 'top down' andropause inspired convertible when you haven't got 13 hairs that defy adhesion to your scalp and gravity and threaten to whip your eyebrows to death and spike your eyeballs. "Mind your own business riginal?" Sure, that's cool. Mate of mine wore a rug. Got sick of all the maintenance crap. Chucked it in a beaver dam. Shaved his head. Damn lonely oversexed menopausal female beaver stopped "damning" and swearing and fell in love with it! Husband got jealous and started paying his missus's a bit more attention if you get my drift. Actually they didn't drift apart. Just needed a spark.

Us older guys (not you young Jack...goodness! Jack's beanstalk will lay the golden goose 24/7 man...yeah man! WHOA man!...sure?) shoring up our remnant damn life against the onslaught of andropause, the equivalent to Menopause-suffer in silence men.

We can't talk about things like "finding it hard to get it up sometimes" or just maybe finding it? (never EVER happens to us!) We can't cry and show emotion about; "I feel I've let my family down - FAILED - haven't provided the sweet things in life or haven't the body of the guy next door you girls lust over in a weak moment. Was the guy next door there when your kids were born and you took on two jobs? ... there when your car broke down ... there when you needed a shoulder to cry on just BECAUSE!

Incidently guys...if the guy next door WAS there...I'd be ringing the blonde waitress that thinks you're cute and amusing. But you're married so...? Naaah, we're MEN! Don't suffer from ANY sort of emotional crisis. That's a woman's thing.

We don't need testosterone injections...we don't have hormonal changes or doubts and fears at 2am in the morning now do we? Mate of mine lost his job...STILL went out to work everyday same time for a week. Ashamed. Didn't tell his missus. Put my foot in it when I rang his missus and told her I had a job lined up for him. NUP!

We're the nights in shining amour, galloping in on a great white steed with lance at the ready. We listen then draw our imaginary monetary swords and slay the immediate bills that we're able to. Please girls, don't wake us in the morning and put your arm around us and say, "I KNOW you shed a tear last night...everythings going to be ok...YOU said so." We're MEN for God's sake! Only women bleed.

I'll finish with the male version of menopasal train of thought on the 'Full some' Prison line. "We hear the 'andropause' comin' it's comin' round the bed, we don't beg no lovin' since we're...ummm... full grown men...we're stuck in MEN...tal prison...time keeps draggin' on...if you don't understand us...then sisters we are... gone..."

To all you menopausal women out there and you andropausal men...all false breasts, wigs, tightened scrotums, bums, face lifts, cool gear, swank cars, double- storey houses aside. We married each other because each partner had a need of the other, to complete the reason for 'being there' and saying "I do." One day one of the partners may not be there on their side of the bed.

Then you'll hear a reassuring tinkle and a curse from the man as he trips over that stupid bloody china dog that roams the house. But he won't complain...he'll stick that stupid dog beside your side of the bed so that you'll trip ass over when you get up. Isn't there a song that goes..."you cain't always get what you want..." Nup. But you can hold each other and chorus "thanks for being here...thanks for filling my wants...to the best of your ability..."

Maybe I shouldn't be saying this? You see we're men. Men aren't allowed to get sloppy and emotional. Got something in your eye? Maybe it's the chillies?... sorry HRC. Cheers...



About the Writer

Bio...bioio...daylight come an i wanna go home. Come missa tele man tele me banana. A banana tele? Seriously would like to hook up with other comedy writers to engage.
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12 comments on It's a mainly 'man thing' really. riginal

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By Uttam Gill on February 07, 2013 at 06:27 am

What a marvellous article...Riginal, you have made my day...

Those who dare to can always tread into the subject even if it rubs the wrong side and Riginal, you hold the knack of it. In your most hilarious style you took me to the journey and that shook me to the hilt...lol... visualizing, what may befall on me...I scratch my head and find my hair intact...Thank God it is... exploring further gave me a great sense of relief...with my precious mass of assets I am just wondering how to barter with when andropause knocks my door...By the way, please tell me whether it comes silently or with fanfare?

I wish my story of life be like this...”MENOPAUSAL WOMAN MET ANDROPAUSAL MAN AND THERE AFTER THEY LIVED PEACEFULLY”

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By melanie jean juneau on February 07, 2013 at 09:38 am

excellent- perceptive, wise, sensitive-very moving I loved it. A glimpse of your heart under the humour and wit

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By Barbara MacDonald on February 07, 2013 at 01:24 pm

I love your honesty in this Riginal....life is often how we chose to receive it... and if we approach something with humor, often it keeps us sane. We all get older...no denying or avoiding this...(unless you die)...I will take having the privilege of having my hair being streaked in silver...fortunatey I have ridden through menopause and actually love where I am now...We women do need to have some understanding that men too have their changes to embrace...great article my friend...:-)

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By riginal on February 07, 2013 at 01:25 pm

Uttam and Mo9 this article is 99.9% fictional. And i'm not backpiddling on my cycle of observation. I've just been a MAN conduit relaying the information secondhand from the God of sexageless humour who has assured me that as long as your missus, girlfriend, lover, keeps coming up to 'scratch' and giggling andropause will NEVER knock on your door! And even if by a 1% chance it did, there's more than one way to lick a hippy cat into submission. Put scented flowers in her hair. I don't want to rub anyone's fur up the wrong way and or start it flying so i'll puss off. I say this tongue- in- cheek before the claws come out or the golden goose gets its feathers ruffled. Remember,once lust (annexed to major ingredient LOVE) is gone out of a relationship (scientifically tested) things start to wane. Wayne 'aint kockin' on my door! Do I sound defensive? Sorry...just checking out the scratches in my back. You can buy false Chinese 'stick on' ones you know. But there's no real LOVE in the package. I certainly wouldn't stick fake 'stick on' bullet holes on your back. Might give some females bad ideas. Just hope America's economy comes up to scratch...cheers! Hope I've presented a new slant without upsetting the North Koreans,Chinese,Indians, people who put rings n' things in weird places...knights who have lost the keys to their wives' chasity belts...underfed puss's...anyone feel left out? Meow! Bring it on!

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By TonyBerkman on February 07, 2013 at 02:07 pm

like this line >>> "there's more than one way to lick a hippy cat into submission"

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By riginal on February 07, 2013 at 03:13 pm

Barb you embarrassed me the other day about explaining "sax" article.I answered in riddle, as I usually scribble in inuendo meaning that you can take it either direction in your thought process. But you knew that! Incidently, you just stated "i've ridden menopause through out!" I'm not going to ask YOU to explain girl! my thought process is as pure as the driven snow. Smutter wouldn't melt in my mouth and if it did I have an electric tootbrush with extra-hard bristles. Kidding. "You can't embarrass an embarrassment" according to my learned missus and she should know! She's saddled with one...before I ride/write off into the sunset... cheers Barb. Your poetry/video stirred emotions.

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By riginal on February 07, 2013 at 03:28 pm

Will you cut it out Tony. I come from that era where hippies abounded round like...umm...like umm... playful cats? "Hippy hippy shake?...for goodness sake"... didn't someone sing that?

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By HomeRearedChef on February 07, 2013 at 04:51 pm

Mi amigo Riginal, I don't think words are enough to say how much I have come to enjoy your creative writing. You, my friend, are AWESOME!

By the way, since hubby loves me "just as I am", I, too, will take hime "just as he is." We, both, are aging, and no amount of surgery will hold the ageing angel back. So why spend our hard-earned money on fixing ourselves to look younger, when we can spend it on food and wine?! :)

Hasta luego!

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By riginal on February 07, 2013 at 07:03 pm

HRC! where you been girl? Why the hell do you women bang on about your weight, looks etc. Who bloody cares? I love 'mean Mike's' quote/attitude. "Love me or hate me". Let me explain. All sexual relevance aside.There shouldn't be any 'grey' "i love you but...or if " 'conditional' areas in any relationship. You do or you don't! Does your spirit and soul get fatter as you grow older? Does it have to have liposuction, because idiotic manmade 'fad'/trends say so? It's mean- spirited 'thinly' disguised unkind words and 'inflated' ugly egos that change/shape your spiritual being and life. I want every woman in America tonight to stand in front of a full length mirror fully clothed and say."That's one young sexy glowing loving spirit and you 'aint put an ounce of weight on!" Then call out to that fat lazy trollop of a husband to 'bring on' one large piece of chocolate cake two spoons..."and don't go sparse on the whipped cream!"...cheers...jeeze!...that's the spirit!

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By HomeRearedChef on February 08, 2013 at 01:06 am

"Does your spirit and soul get fatter as you grow older? Does it have to have liposuction..." Oh, Riginal dear, you sure know how to make a woman feel good about herself. Thank you! Now I think I'll have a HUGE piece of chocolate. :)

And since you asked where I've been, here's my story, and every bit of it is the truth:

Two of my grown children are moving back home (one husband and dog and cat included). So, for the past 4 weeks, hubby and I have been re-arranging our home and making room for our news guest. Yesterday, on our 31st wedding anniversay, we helped them move the rest of their stuff. Whew! I am tired and feeling slightly old today. lol!

So I am back, for now, and here's hoping I can relax and write.

So BIG cheers to you, Amigo!

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By riginal on February 08, 2013 at 02:50 am

HRC as far as my article went you more or less fired my imagination. I was doodling round menopause (no pun intended) and 'andropause' popped up. Didn't really know that much about it. Thought I'd see what would happen. As expected.Guys don't open up much,what Uttam said is basically the 'norm' down the pub. "ME! I'm fine!" That's cool,great.Did shave my head but.Had a crazy childhood myself.Never grown up. Don't get depressed ever.Used to with hypos a fair while back but then your brain's out of its tree.Missus reckons for me that's 'normal'. I wish someone in America would put MY daughter up (N.A.S.A?). Straight up about 50 klms. My son's fine.They know everything don't they? Full of it.THEN! "muuum!...daaad!" And yet 99.9% of families in America are a carbon copy of the Brady Bunch? Where did I go wrong? Conceived on 'trick or treat' night?...cheers...don't let the deers eat your kids! They're protected. Shame 'bout the kids.

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By HomeRearedChef on February 08, 2013 at 08:03 pm

If I fired your imagination, Amigo, then I am happy to have been helpful...somehow. :)

By the way, I think I an safely say that my kids are nothing like the Brady Bunch. I think my kids have scared away my husband's family. LOL!

Cheers!!!

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