Sunday, July 15, 2018

My Toothpaste Can Solve World Peace


I'm dizzy. It's very hard for me to write right now. How did I just spend 4 hours at Target and return home with nothing? Nothing! It was so simple. My list was small. I needed toothpaste, deodorant and a carton of OJ- almost not worth trekking out to the store in the first place. But since there wasn't much else on my plate for the afternoon, I decided to take advantage of the modern advent of the super, supermarket. In a world where our most basic food items are now only a few aisles over from our most basic clothing items, it seems as if every day should be a shopping day.

So the first stop was the toothpaste aisle. I prefer Colgate for no other reason than it happened to be what I bought last time. Ah! Mint-flavored Colgate toothpaste with Fluoride. I think that is what I'll get. But what is this Fresh Mint Colgate with Teeth-Whitening Bleach? I need fluoride but I also drink a lot of coffee so a little extra shininess might do my mouth a bit of good. Hmmm, so might the Colgate with Vitamin D, though. Vitamin D is good for the teeth. But is it as good as the Anti-Cavity Colgate? My dentist always said - Colgate Total Clean Mint Paste? Well, if it's Total than most certainly it is the answer for every -  Colgate Luminous Paradise Fresh? I could use a little bright Colgate 2in1 Oxygen Whitening? 2 things in 1? How many things in the Total? Colgate Sensitive Maximum Strength Plus Whitening- sounds like there's at least 2 things in that. And I can be a sensitive person. Man, this is a hard decision. I wish I had enough Colgate Fresh Confidence to make it. Ahhhhh! You know what, I can come back. Let's just grab some orange juice.

Some nice No Pulp Tropicana Orange Juice. Now, that kind of sounds a little heavy sitting next to Light Healthy Tropicana. We do live in the age of the diet. But we also live in the age of the heart disease so maybe I should opt for Healthy Heart Tropicana. Ugh! All these decisions are making me sick! Does that mean I should go for the Antioxidant Advantage Tropicana? I'm outta here!

Returning home with absolutely nothing in my plastic Target bag (I grabbed one on the way out just to prove to myself that I did actually get out of the apartment today) I felt so empty and confused. It doesn't make sense that one product should have so many options. Why must I choose between my heart and my white blood cells? Can't my breath be fresh, my teeth be white, and my enamel hard? Or must it be one or the other?

In an age where planes rule the skies and the internet rules unproductive free time, why can't one Super Toothpaste rule aisle 9? I'm no scientist, but it seems that if we just took a barrel, a large wooden spoon and one of each kind of toothpaste and mixed it all together we'd all have perfect teeth. As it stands right now I feel very much at odds with my fellow human being. A very nice lady smiled at me on my way home and she had the most vibrant, white set of choppers. I smiled back, but the whole time I was thinking, "Sure, they're white on the outside."

Despite much legislation to make otherwise, this country is full of monopolies. Let's stop limiting this over-zealous practice only to corporations- let's monopolize our products! Doing a little research on the Colgate website, there are 34 different varieties of tooth-cleaning gels, or pastes... or whatever. 34! This is only the beginning, my friends. We live in a world of progress and unless something is done to stop mass production, we're looking at hundreds and hundreds of different toothpaste choices in our future. I just don't think I can handle it!

Americans are so caught up on these choices. For goodness sake, we're stressed out enough as it is, maybe it's time to simplify a bit. Is only having one option so bad if it's the right option? So here's my solution: One World, One Toothpaste. One Ultimate toothpaste that freshens, whitens, brightens, heals, cooks, cleans and takes the trash out. We take the best of one thing and continue to make it better and better- not different. Science should advance, not just branch out. As our toothpaste gets better, society gets better. As society gets better, the world gets better. And as I get on in age, I hope someday to look down upon a young child who says to me, "Orange juice cured my chicken pox."

"Yes, my boy, I know. And my toothpaste solved world peace."

About the Writer

Michael R. Gauthier is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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2 comments on My Toothpaste Can Solve World Peace

Log In To Vote   Score: 1
By Ariel on May 25, 2007 at 10:52 am
Ahah, I can so relate to that toothpaste dilemma! :)
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By Steven Lane on May 26, 2007 at 01:17 am
Just brush your teeth with pulp orange juice. problem solved.
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