Wednesday, September 19, 2018

Raunch Dressing, Anyone?

by Ed Attanasio (writer), San Frickin' Frisco, Baby!, May 22, 2007

Let me have the extreme pleasure of introducing you to Marco Raphael Castro. He’s the sick little Illinois high school student who surrendered recently to face charges resulting from a revolting lunchroom prank he pulled one day during lunch.

According to Wheaton police and school officials, the 17-year-old senior ejaculated into a bottle of ranch salad dressing and returned the befouled condiment to the Wheaton North High School cafeteria.

It is unclear if the dressing was used by any students before the container was cleaned and refilled the following day. Castro, pictured here in these Wheaton Police Department mug shots, has been charged with disorderly conduct and attempted aggravated battery, both misdemeanors. School officials learned of the prank from other students.

Whatever happened to the harmelss kinds of pranks we pulled in my day? Like putting chalk in the chalkboard erasers; snapping girls’ bra straps, giving kids wedgies(or melvins/snuggies as some called them back then); pink bellies, Indian burns or putting Ben-Gay or Nair in guy’s jocks during P.E.?

Sure, we used to do stuff that was borderline – like throw eggs at teachers or play the old dog crap in the flaming newspaper on the neighbors’ porch trick – but spanking the monkey into a bottle of salad dressing never even crossed our minds.

It just shows how much our society has changed. This twisted degenerate is a poor excuse for a living being and needs a ton of shrink time to figure out why he’s so bent. Obviously what he did was a cry for help. In retrospect, if the alternative was another Virginia Tech or Columbine, what this punk did was fairly harmless.

In the meantime, his photo will live for an eternity on the Internet. It will be a miracle if he ever gets a date with a girl again. If I were him, I’d date salad dressings. I hear Thousand Island is a lot of fun!

About the Writer

Ed Attanasio is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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2 comments on Raunch Dressing, Anyone?

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By rjlight on May 22, 2007 at 04:05 pm
Great, now I will never look at ranch dressing the same. That is just unbelievable -- wouldn't you love to be his parents?
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By rjlight on May 22, 2007 at 06:35 pm
I guess that will be a new question for food service interviews -- "do you have any prior salad dressing incidents that we should note?"
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