I just lost the greatest job a man could ever have. I was a pizza deliveryman: cruising the town all night in my black Trans-Am, all the chicks checking me out, blasting Van Halen on my system, sipping beers, and bringing people pizza. And when I arrived they were always so happy to see me. I was living the dream! But then one night I got pulled over and arrested for drunk driving. Can you believe it? I mean, I’m a professional! I’ve been doing this for years! Just because I blew into the cop’s little machine a red light buzzed, I lose my license and lose my job? He can blow me! It’s ruined my life. Being a pizza deliveryman was the only thing I was ever good at, the only thing I enjoyed, the only thing that gave my life purpose. What am I going to do now?
Levi the Deliverer
Dear Levi the Deliverer,
You, sir, are a modern American hero. Bringing food to people who are too lazy to cook for themselves is a most noble profession. What was that cop thinking, preventing you from performing your righteous duty? Does he even realize how many people will very likely starve to death without you to bring them vital sustenance?
And why are these poor souls grimly facing starvation? Because you were driving drunk and endangering people’s lives? That’s ridiculous. Police officers should be out there arresting rapists and murderers – villains who have actually hurt other people. You haven’t hurt anyone. At least not yet. I don’t see why the police should punish you for doing something that might cause harm. Fast food restaurants sell hamburgers that might cause you to have a heart attack and die, yet Ronald McDonald is still a free clown. Where’s the justice?
The government has no business interfering in your life like this. If I were you, I would stand up to them and say, “I don’t recognize your authority to deny my right to operate an automobile!” They may have the power to tell you not to drive, but do they really have the power to prevent you from driving? They can take away your license, but you don’t really need a license to drive a car. Turning the key still ignites the engine and stepping on the gas pedal still makes the car move, even if you don’t have that little laminated card in your pocket.
The laws obviously can’t stop you from doing what you want to do. Only your own personal moral compass can direct you to behave in a socially responsible manner. The responsibility is completely on you, and you alone. So if driving drunk while delivering pizzas is that important to you, keep it up. Do what you do best, and don’t let the man bring you down. Just please be careful not to kill anybody.
Peace, Love, and Living Life on Your Own Terms,