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Sunday, December 17, 2017

If a leaf falls in a forest...riginal.

by riginal (writer), moe australia, January 16, 2013

Please Bear with me as the wrong philosophy can crush the living daylights out of you.

"If a leaf falls in a forest and no one hears it fall does it make a sound?" That philosophical piece filtered into my mind as I was sitting on a branch in Scandinavia whittling a piece of bark from a fallen Scandinavian bark back sappling that had recently stopped barking back...or forward as it had just been uprooted by a back barking bear...10 minutes earlier. The fool of an animal had just injected phlebitis in my arm...a part of me which I was reluctant to part with as it is a much needed part of my overall body make-up...IE: not only is it a part of my body that is essential to the continual flow of blood, it's also handy when I whittle...as in'grasping utensil'. I'm quite fond overall of my overalls too.

The enraged bear had a second lunge, I tried two duck, the bear tried the two ducks I offered him and went back to trying to unscrew my arm. The goose didn't realize that arms screw off anti-clockwise...but you knew that? With my free knife whittling arm I tried to carve up a Peking 'peace offering'duck. Grizzly wasn't peeking? Not the SLIGHTEST inkling of interest. Problem was It was well past the duck season and the withered ducks were barely stamped with a defunct 'use by date'. The bear barely spotted this then started to grizzle. Why do they call them 'Grizzly Bears' anyway? Hell! hairy chap should sit next to my missus at the footy when her team's losing and she runs out of duck bones to throw at them. Pack of geese anyway. Talk about grizzling team. Yesterday, each team member refused to come out of his/her? pink tile inlaid shower cubicle unless they had a football EACH!...and performance enhancing drugs and a 'tell all' interview with Oprah PLUS five million each to give back to themselves as a reward to themselves for telling mostly truths about themselves. And a bag of sincere jolly jelly babies (large babies) each. This has got nothing to do with anything except I'm watching the latest Armstrong saga NEWS as I type. Can't help liking the guy. Done a lot of good stuff too.

My arm strong weakly broke free, I grabbed the bear in a headlock, then told him a back to reality story about magnificent athletes who, under duress and pressure and desire to win at all costs, 'SHELVE' what their parents' taught them as they grew up. 'NOT TO LIE' is a lesson to be proudly carried throughout any career. We all fall down though, as humans...so did the grizzly...fell down asleep? Now, i'm still whittling. The bear fight was a lie. We didn't fight at all. Just argued, shook hands and parted. However, I WAS in Scandinavia with my mate Leif...a mad forest cutter with a deadly sharp chainsaw. He wandered off into a belt of trees. I heard the raucous rant of his saw. I sat whittling, couldn't bear the noise...neither could the nearby bears. Their personal back scratchers given to them by God being cut down by Leif the lunging lunatic. THEN it happened! Noise, "timber" thump. Agonizing scream! "If a leaf falls in a forest and no one hears it fall does it make a sound?" I'll put the Scandinavian philosophical simile to yews. "If a forest falls in on Leif and no one hears it fall...does it make a sound?" Actually the forest gave out an abrupt roar...ten thousand ton of upset snow rebelling at the noise. Leif's DO make a noise! Don't believe me? I whittled him out of the snow. YELLING! He was fine/d. Fully recovered. Hopping on a crutch. HIS! More noise erupted when I drove Leif to court to face 'unlawful hacking' charges. Leif screamed blue murder. Actually his lawyer got him off. Bear witness to this. Bear got up in the witness stand and told the judge that there was a clause that was overlooked, in Leif's favor. You see the'WARNING NO LOGGING' sign had been clawsed off by Bear. I didn't honestly see the sign either. But the damn judge took umbrage to me for whittling in a protected back barking area. I'm on a good behaviour bond which includes not going within 100 metres of anything bare for 3 months. My missus said she'll bare with me as long as I take her to the footy!...PS: Leif turned over a new leaf. Sold his chainsaw. Harvests tea leaves in China in the fall!...cheers



About the Writer

Bio...bioio...daylight come an i wanna go home. Come missa tele man tele me banana. A banana tele? Seriously would like to hook up with other comedy writers to engage.
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5 comments on If a leaf falls in a forest...riginal.

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By TonyBerkman on January 16, 2013 at 05:14 pm

Hillarious

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By riginal on January 16, 2013 at 08:22 pm

thanks Tony, much appreciated.

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By melanie jean juneau on January 17, 2013 at 05:10 pm

Now I know for certain that Australians are all like

Crocodile Dundee

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By riginal on January 17, 2013 at 05:37 pm

mo9 we are a peace loving people. Not grizzly at all.

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By melanie jean juneau on January 17, 2013 at 05:53 pm

really.. perhaps the bear was not an American Grizzly Bear but a Black Bear like here in Canada

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