Sunday, July 22, 2018

Dating Advice: Lusting for a Moron

by Ely North (writer), Holy City, USA, January 06, 2013

What to do when you're physically attracted to someone who isn't very bright

Dear Ely,

There’s a hot guy at my gym who I really want to date. He’s super cute, has a great body, and he’s nice and sweet. The problem is he’s really dumb. Not to be mean, but he’s like borderline retarded. I know we’ll have no future together, and I couldn’t imagine having a serious relationship with him. I just want a quick hot fling with this sexy hunk of meat. But I feel like I’d be taking advantage of him, just using him for sex. Is it wrong to date someone so stupid, for purely selfish sexual reasons?


Love Me a Dummy


Dear Love Me a Dummy,

There’s nothing wrong with having a short superficial physical relationship with someone attractive. You have no reason to feel guilty. Men do this type of thing with stupid women all the time. Hell, I even did it myself once.

She was a bartender at the bar where I used to hang out, and boy was she dumb – the epitome of an airhead. She would constantly mix up people’s orders and give back the wrong amount of change. If you tried to talk to her about current events, she would just smile, giggle absently, and give you a blank glazed-over stare. But she was really attractive, so I talked to her all the time. Mostly we talked about things like puppies and unicorns and rainbows – these were the subjects she was comfortable discussing. I didn’t mind. I just wanted to get in her pants.

Eventually she let me. Our love affair was shallow, purely physical, and incredibly satisfying. It was destined to be short-lived, but it didn’t end in the manner I’d expected. I figured I would bang her for a few weeks, and when I got sick of her I would dump her and start hanging out at a different bar. This isn’t the way things worked out.

One night I went to her apartment for our usual midnight rendezvous, expecting some red-hot loving, but instead I found her stressed and frantic. She had a term paper due in her Economics class the following morning, and she hadn’t started it yet. At the time I was working as a financial advisor, so I calmed her down and with small words explained my job to her (which I had already explained to her numerous times) and offered to help her write her paper.

Naturally, I did all the work. I pulled an all-nighter putting together her paper while she exercised, showered, gave herself a facial, and painted her nails. By the time the new day was dawning I was done. I thought for sure that we would have some early-morning-thanks-for-saving-the-day sex, but instead she dumped me on the spot.

I thought I had been taking advantage of her, just using her for sex. But it turns out that she was also using me to do her schoolwork for her. So go ahead and ask out that big dumb hunk of a man. Just don’t be surprised if you discover that he’s not as stupid as you think he is.

Peace, Love, and Dating a Dummy,

Ely North

About the Writer

Ely North is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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2 comments on Dating Advice: Lusting for a Moron

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By melanie jean juneau on January 06, 2013 at 10:13 pm

funny surprise ending, really well written

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By neil6 on January 10, 2013 at 03:28 pm

Now there's more than a grain of truth in this piece of fiction. We men can never be too sure just what a females real agenda is. I believe it would be easier if they just wore T-shirts which explained exactly what they were on about. You know, things like " Not nearly as dumb as I look..."

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