UP IN THE AIR? riginal.
Captain Von Gaffe. Recently retired head of underground 'air safety'.Man of few words. Short. Blunt.To the point.How the hell can one be "short- blunt- to the point"? Unless you've just had a horizontal prolonged force-fed foray into a human pencil sharpener noggin first?
I'll confront you bluntly in my shorts...I'll not waist time...time waists for no man...'specially when you're up to your waist in a pencil sharpener. I'm not easily lead. No real point in pursuing this write of passage...writing with my 'point of view' pointed noggin gives me a headache. Before I became a pencil pusher I fought with Britain in the 'Battle of the Bulge.' Damn pesky cream n' scones "call up" sar.Pretty young tea lady filled up my tank...loaded my buns, opened my tank top, got entangled in it...tripped over the Air wing Marshall whose foot was stuck under the tank track. It was a heated war of misunderstanding...hot creamed scones...full on 'Dad's Army' regimented regiment.Primed. Eyes peeled.Lips smacked.My tank was ready to fly.The tea-lady...Ms Devon from Shropshire...cleared the bunway of crumbs. Monty appeared.
Air Wing Marshall Monty tore bunstrips off me. "Von Gaffe!" he roared, squeezing my pimple, "Tanks don't fly! you're engaged to ME...SECONDED TO ME SAR!" I threw my 'seconded' engagement ring at Monty...I was a double agent from Germany. The fact that Monty had engaged a German before went against all my religious upbringing as a devout heathenly coward. Even my father the Red Von Baron from 'Whichbitch'? only engaged once. NEVER married...just engaged the enemy ONCE then broke it off...shot it off actually. Monty bristled.He pocketed my ring.He raged."Frankly sar I don't trust you I'm not very vond of y atall sar..." I wasn't going to back off in front of the damn fellow. The tea-lady took pithy,she BACKED OFF the grounded ground tank offa Monty's foot which looked swell...very swell! I stormed off...huniliated.I disliked Monty...he was too blunt- opinionated.That night I got tanked. and flew off the edge of a fiscal cliff. It was 'tanks giving' night.No tanks to England. Those lads had their own 'battle of the bulge'...no tanks to da guys wif da irish 'amburger stands. "Mac doonals mon." Or, am I being scotty?
I learned to fly B45 bombers commercially.I pinched a Spitfire, flew her to America. They welcomed me with OPEN UP arms...arms opened up...I was shot down and awarded the No-ball peace prize. Worked my way down- became head of 'air-safety' underground. I co-authored best sellers "Bums away mum's away'...and "How to fly by the seat of your Pants...or someone's you've stolen?" Some PLANE facts about air travel. Flying is as safe, or probably safer, than houses. Houses have too much wind resistance. Don't believe an expert? Try flying your house. I've said this before...three safest places to sit during air travel. Airport Hangar, Departure Lounge, on your couch at home. DO NOT be alarmed. Despite some pilots' best efforts 99.9% of ALL planes take-off. The one percent happening doesn't even compute. AND if they're grounded? they'll get their money back! I flew a bi-chappy in my 'specially built personal bi-plane. Asked him if he had his belt on?...due to the open cockpit. He says "yea indeedy! bye ma!...waving to you little mama!" Did a double figure eight...sort of a 16...and a barrel roll...the guy lands on top of his mum! "Ewwww!" he says shsssseepishly (sorry HRC) "I thought you were talking about clipping the belt on my lunch box!" It's okay they're both alright after their untimely collision.I thought we were going to have to call little mama by a shorter name but once we dug them out and dusted them off they were fine. Do you know her son could never get his tongue round S....in the alphabet BEFORE that dropout! He used to say "it look like it will be a FICAL year." Isn't it strange how a sudden fall can change your persona? A mate of mine fell off his skateboard...he couldn't play 'Stairway to Heaven' on a guitar before that fall.He still can't.But he CAN whistle "dixie" through a straw now! We've ALL got parts of us we haven't even explored yet. I mean we only use a small portion of our brains...mine's like hardly been disturbed........................................cheers. Don't have a fical year...........................