I’m getting old, and I hate it. My skin is wrinkling, my face is sagging, my hair is turning gray, my teeth are turning yellow, and my boobs and butt and drooping towards the ground. I’m starting to look like an old lady, but I’m only 55. I feel like I should still be in the prime of my life. I’m not ready to be elderly. I refuse to fade into decrepitude. I want to be youthful and attractive forever. Help me look younger! Help me find the fountain of youth!
Old Before My Time
Dear Old Before My Time,
I vomited twice while reading your letter. You sound like some kind of hideously shriveled raisin-faced ass-dragging hag. The mere thought of your physical presence is offensive to my senses. I can’t imagine how you can bear to look at your own bare body in the mirror. Oh no. I just vomited again.
Of course, this is the way of the universe. Like a delicate rose, all things in this world will sprout and grow, bloom into beauty, enjoy their brief moment in the sun, and then fade, wither, and die. The fading, withering, and dieing are just as important (and some would argue just as beautiful) as the sprouting, growing, and blooming. All living beings are ruled by this law of nature, and all must undergo the entire process to complete the cycle of life.
But not you! You’re different. You are a creature set apart from the rabble, superior to all other forms of life in this world. You should not be subjected to the same heart-breaking aging process that ravages the bodies of everyone else. So you are totally reasonable and justified in your desire to defy the laws of nature.
The good news is that there are plenty of people out there who would be happy to help you do so, for a considerable fee. Voluntary mutilation is modern society’s closest approximation to the fountain of youth. So schedule yourself for some surgeries. You should be quite satisfied with how youthful (and natural!) you will appear once the doctors stretch your skin tight like a snare drum. People may stare at the new you, and children may cry because you look like an alien-nightmare-monster, but just ignore them. You look good!
Remember, even having a freakish plastic-mask face is preferable to aging gracefully. There’s no dignity in that. No, dignity comes from fighting tooth and nail against the inevitable demise of your physical body. Nothing screams “Self-respect!” like holding tight to something that you know cannot last. Come to think of it, that’s a very childish and immature attitude. I guess you were right: you’re not ready for old age.
Peace, Love, and Forever Young,