I’ve heard that the world is supposed to end on December 21, 2012. This is the most horrible news I’ve ever heard! My 21st birthday will be on December 22nd. If the world ends, I’ll totally miss out on the biggest birthday party of my life! Think about the scope of this tragedy. I could die without ever knowing the joys of getting shitfaced in a bar, doing shots from a hot bartender’s navel, dancing with drunken fat chicks, and vomiting in a filthy toilet stall. It’s not fair! If the world ends on the 21st, I’d have to consider myself the unluckiest person in the history of humanity. What am I going to do?
Dear Unlucky Louie,
Let me get this straight. Faced with the possibility of the world coming to an end, your main concern is that you’ll miss out on a drunken birthday celebration? Oh, to be young and dumb again. Those were the days. Not a care in the world but the selfish and self-destructive desire for continual and everlasting pleasure. Sadly, I understand your predicament.
Of course, in many parts of the world, this wouldn’t be an issue. Many other countries are not as silly as America, with its legal drinking age of twenty-one. Here eighteen-year-olds are allowed to vote, and they’re allowed to fight and die in war, but they’re not allowed to order a beer with dinner. It’s ridiculous. And we act stunned every time we hear of a college kid dying of alcohol poisoning. It’s called forbidden fruit, people. Read your damn Bible. Any parents who care about their children should start serving them small doses of alcohol at a young age to give them experience with its effects and dangers. Teaching kids about alcohol is the best way to help them moderate their intake during their dangerous self-destructive years.
I’d wager it’s too late to preach moderation to you, Louie – so instead I’ll give you some good news. The world very likely will not end on December 21st. People have been predicting the end of the world since the beginning of time, and so far they’ve always been wrong. Why would this time be different? If we assume that the world won’t end, your December 22nd birthday changes from a cruel curse to a stroke of luck. Here’s why.
On the night of the 21st, at midnight, you’re legal. Arrive at the bar exactly at midnight to find everyone there recklessly rejoicing the fact that the world still exists. Your birthday happens to fall on a night where people will give themselves an excuse to party hard. It’s destined to be the night of your lifetime.
Of course, if the world does end on December 21st, none of this will matter. We’ll all be dead, and your lost birthday party will be inconsequential. And I will have wasted one precious hour during the final days of my life giving useless advice to some selfish party animal. I hope you appreciate it.
Peace, Love, and Surviving to Drink Another Day,