I hate Christmas, with a passion. When I was a bratty greedy child it was my favorite time of year. “Santa” always brought me what I wanted, even when I deserved to be on the naughty list. But as I’ve grown I’ve become aware of some saddening facts about this “magical” season, which have totally turned me against Christmas:
- It’s unfounded. It’s supposed to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, but according to Biblical scholars, little baby Jesus popped out of the Virgin Mary’s holy hole in the springtime, not in December.
- Paganism. Early Christians aligned Christmas with a December pagan holiday to trick the dirty pagans into converting. Decorating trees, Santa Claus, and giving presents are heretical pagan traditions that have nothing to do with Jesus.
- Commercialization. Christmas is not about Christ. It’s a commercial holiday where people feel obligated to buy each other crap that they don’t need. The holiday has lost any religious significance it ever had.
- Stress. People feel pressured to meet their obligations and make sure that everyone around them has a happy holiday, often at the cost of their own happiness.
- It’s in your face. Even those who don’t celebrate the holiday are exposed to it nonstop. And the season starts earlier every year, prolonging the agony.
- The waste. How many trees have to be murdered to supply us with wrapping paper, cards, and Christmas trees each year? How much energy is wasted to power the gaudy decorations with which people defile their homes?
Anyone who celebrates this bastardized version of Christmas is a delusional fool. This year, I refuse to participate. My family will try to persuade me to come back to the fold and celebrate with them, but I won’t. On Christmas Day, I will sit at home by myself and pray to sweet baby Jesus to forgive the sins of all the “Christians” who are misguidedly celebrating his “birth.” Will you join me in my protest against Christmas?
Dear Chris Miss,
Man, I’m getting sick of you Christmas-haters. I mean, if you want to hate Christmas, that’s your business. I don’t really care. But you don’t have to be a dick about it. Even with all the holiday’s flaws that you mentioned, there’s something important that you’re leaving out. Christmas is a time to enjoy the company of the people you love the most. It’s as simple as that. So swallow your anti-Christmas bile and put on a cheery face – even if you have to fake it – and go spend the holiday with your family. Don’t deny them your presence, and don’t deny yourself theirs. In this life, you only get a limited amount of time to spend with the people you love. Don’t miss out on those opportunities because of some silly crusade against the misplaced principles of a beloved holiday.
Peace, Love, and A Merry Christmas,