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Friday, November 17, 2017

Death by Spam

by Matt Weston (writer), New York, May 16, 2007

Credit:

This life is a fragile, volatile one. There are no compacts with tomorrow. I have long been aware of my own mortality, but until I received the following certificate of certain death (see below), I had never truly lived.

And now my days are numbered. I must cherish each passing moment. My bloody demise at the hands of ihubby tokill is all too imminent.

Make no mistake: the gears of fate are in motion. Ihubby tokill is a professional hitman and his "boys" - no matter if they were unable to retrieve my name during their investigations, everyone has bad weeks - are dogged, soulless hunters.

If these words are my last, allow me to extend my gratitute to you, ihubby tokill, for showing pity for a dead man walking. (Didn't know you had it in you). You are a King among men.

The $30,000 is en route to your invisible sky-lair in a manilla envelope. I have also enclosed a 40-count roll of Forever Stamps and a Hello Kitty wristwatch as a gesture of goodwill.

Godspeed, little envelope. Godspeed.
__


From: "Mr No Name I am Sorry"
Date: 5/5/2007 6:01 AM
Subject: BE MORE CAREFUL

A am very very sorry for you, is a pity that this is how your life is going to end is a pity but I will like to give you some chance to help your self if you will like to.

As you can see there is no need of introducing my self to you because I don't have any business with you, My work as I am talking to you now is just to kill you and I have to do it as I have already been paid for that.

Someone that I will not like to tell you the name now but a friend of yours, came to us and told me that he want you dead and he provided us with your name, picture and other information about you.

So I sent my boys to track you down and carry on some investigation on you and they have done that but I told them not to kill you that I will like to contact you and see if your life is Important to you or not since there findings shows that you are
innocent.

I called my client back and ask him of you email address which I didn't tell him what I want to do with it and he gave it to me and I am using it to contact you now. As I am writing to you now my men are monitoring you and there telling me every thing about you.

So I will like to know if you will like to live or die as someone has paid for us to kill you. I am given you a grace of two days to get back to me if you are ready to pay $30,000 or I will carry on with my job.

WARNING: DO NOT CONTACT POLICE OR TELL ANY ONE, IF YOU DO THAT I WILL KNOW AND I WILL EXTEND IT TO YOUR LOVE ONES. ALWAYS BE IN YOUR HOUSE BEFORE OR BY 7:PM UNTILL I MAKE OUT TIME TO SEE YOU AND GIVE YOU THE VIDEO TAPE OF MY DISCOUSION WITH THE PERSON WHO WANT YOU DEAD THEN YOU CAN USE IT TO TAKE ANY LEGAL ACTION ON HIM. GOOD LUCK AS I AWAIT YOUR REPLY.


About the Writer

Matt Weston is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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5 comments on Death by Spam

Log In To Vote   Score: 2
By Matt Weston on May 16, 2007 at 05:34 pm
Agreed. If my killer really were Charles Bronson - who surely has impeccable English - I would've been dead by the time I opened the email.
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Log In To Vote   Score: 2
By Jen on May 16, 2007 at 06:07 pm
Too funny. Thanks for the laugh. Although, by publishing this article you have now put your entire family in jeopardy! Honestly...I'd like to know what kind of person would fall for that. I dont want to know them know them...or meet them...ever. I honestly wonder if this ever actually works. My money is on yes.
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By Charles Harmison on May 16, 2007 at 07:01 pm
a truly excellent work of fiction . . . we all hope.
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Log In To Vote   Score: 1
By Steven Lane on May 16, 2007 at 09:50 pm
El G, you are such a common man, I had a Nubile Nigerian offer me $2m for a paltry $600 for expenses. Would you like her email, lol Scary article if true, needs to noted as fiction if not.
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Log In To Vote   Score: 2
By Matt Weston on May 16, 2007 at 10:19 pm
God help me if it's not fiction! The spam article is the genuine article, however.
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