Am I a naughty girl? I’m with a new boyfriend, but I still have contact with my ex-boyfriend. Not physical contact, but technological. A few weeks ago, out of the blue, my ex texted me a naked picture of himself. I figured he sent it to me by mistake, so I ignored it. Then the next day he did it again, then again the day after that. I didn’t ask him to stop. My ex is well endowed (that means he has a big penis!) so I enjoyed receiving the pics. In fact, I was so turned on that I started sending him naked pictures of myself in return. Now we’re sexting and trading nude pics several times a day. I haven’t told my boyfriend about it because I don’t know how he’ll react. I kind of feel guilty, but I don’t know – am I cheating?
Dear Anita Cheater,
By definition, a cheater is someone who breaks the rules. So what are the rules of your relationship? If you haven’t set a rule that says “No sexting with your ex,” then you’re not cheating. It’s as simple as that. You’re free to send as many slutty nude pics as you want. But this also means that your boyfriend is free to do anything that you haven’t explicitly forbidden. Have you ever prohibited him from getting a hand job from a hitchhiker? No? Then he may be out cruising for hitchers right now!
This eye-opening observation offers you the opportunity to clear up the gray areas in your relationship by putting it all in black and white: write a contract. All human relationships (husband-wife, parent-child, boss-employee, neighbor-neighbor, shopkeeper-customer, and especially boyfriend-girlfriend) should be subjected to and governed by the mind-numbing rigors of legal documentation.
Your relationship contract will not only map out the rules and expectations that will guide your behavior throughout the course of your relationship, but it will also prescribe the penalties that will result when rules are broken and expectations are not met. Writing the contract will give you and your boyfriend an open forum to discuss your relationship, and give you each an equal voice in determining its parameters and direction. I believe you’ll find the process incredibly rewarding. Just be sure you each have a lawyer present to translate your desires into the precise legal terminology that will hold up in a court of law.
Legal documentation of all our social relationships is the only way to ensure that people treat each other appropriately, and that the proper consequences are imposed when they don’t. Lacking such legal recourse, we’d have to rely on people’s good will, sensibility, and genuine desire to do the right thing. Personally, I’d feel better getting it in writing.
Peace, Love, and Knowing When You’re Cheating,