Wednesday, July 18, 2018

Winning Politics the American Way

by Ely North (writer), Holy City, USA, November 25, 2012

A sarcastic look at how to influence people and get your way.

Dear Ely,

I’m a nudist living in a community that’s quickly going downhill. The people of Wandering Eye Nudist Colony are split, and it stinks – much like the stinky split that divides a naked rear end. There are several hotly debated issues that are polarizing our population and creating a gaping tear in our social fabric. Life here is becoming unbearable. People constantly argue. The atmosphere is one of discontent, ill will, and anger. I feel very strongly about the obvious choices we should make, and I don’t understand how people could take the other side. If they get their way, it’ll ruin our society. I don’t know if I could continue to live here in those circumstances. What should I do?


Rudy the Feuding Nudist


Dear Rudy the Feuding Nudist,

It’s difficult to live in a divided community where the people are so passionate and pig-headed about their opinions. It’s especially hard when you know that your side is so obviously right, and that the people on the other side are simply idiots. I feel sorry for you. Here are some strategies you can adopt in order to get your way.

Dominate the dialogue. Shout down the opposition by speaking more loudly and angrily. Don’t even give them a chance to espouse their views. Obnoxiously proclaim your right to your opinion, but don’t extend that right to people with differing opinions. Your mentality should be, “I’m right, you’re wrong. I’m not listening so just shut up.”

Be condescending. Assume a superior attitude, and regard anyone who disagrees with you as if they suffer from some type of heart-wrenching mental defect. Treat your opponents as wide-eyed children who are too naïve to understand the issues.

Site phony statistics. You can easily confuse people by throwing a bunch of numbers at them. The numbers don’t even have to be valid or make sense. Just use the statistics to paint the picture that your point of view is the only rational one.

Undermine the opposition. Pick out the key players on the other side and publicly question their motivation, morals, integrity, and intelligence. Again, it’s acceptable to fabricate “facts” in order to make your opponents look bad.

Demonize the opposition. Decry the scoundrels who disagree with you as evil agents of the devil. Your side, conversely, represents goodness and righteousness. Creating this stark polarity makes the correct choice seem obvious.

Become a fear monger. This is an extension of the demonizing strategy. If the opposition gets its way, the world as we know it will end. Civilization will collapse. Darkness will descend. Zombies will eat your children. Or whatever.

The only alternative to these underhanded methods is to set an example by dropping your egoistic insistence on winning and opening a calm, rational dialogue aimed at reaching a compromise that will benefit everyone in your nudist colony. Wait! What the hell am I talking about? This isn’t about doing what’s best for your community. This is about being right and getting your way! Remember: compromise is for losers.

Peace, Love, and Beautiful Nudity Forever,

Ely North

About the Writer

Ely North is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
Want to write articles too? Sign up & become a writer!

4 comments on Winning Politics the American Way

Log In To Vote   Score: 2
By Katrina Lowrey on November 25, 2012 at 05:52 pm

Hilarious and well written!

Thanks for the good read.

 Report abuse

Log In To Vote   Score: 3
By riginal on November 25, 2012 at 06:39 pm

riiginal here, great stuff. As the Cuban male nudist said to the other dissenting nudist on a cold- war day." We can help each other warm to a mutual subject So if you'll sit on my lap i'll split the difference". Those two guys had similar views in the end Ely. Can't remember the dates, but the American guy on top-Crise -rang his mum and told her the Cuban Crise ass was over...the moon and that's the way it should be. People who don't laugh at this ridiculous world should be well and truly shafted by your comments...don't you agree?

 Report abuse

Log In To Vote   Score: 2
By Ely North on November 25, 2012 at 09:45 pm

Hi riginal. Ummm... Yes, I agree.

 Report abuse

Log In To Vote   Score: 1
By melanie jean juneau on November 26, 2012 at 10:24 am

you are funny and sarcastic at the same time, like all good satirists

 Report abuse

Add A Comment!

Click here to signup or login.

Rate This Article

Your vote matters to us