I’m a nudist living in a community that’s quickly going downhill. The people of Wandering Eye Nudist Colony are split, and it stinks – much like the stinky split that divides a naked rear end. There are several hotly debated issues that are polarizing our population and creating a gaping tear in our social fabric. Life here is becoming unbearable. People constantly argue. The atmosphere is one of discontent, ill will, and anger. I feel very strongly about the obvious choices we should make, and I don’t understand how people could take the other side. If they get their way, it’ll ruin our society. I don’t know if I could continue to live here in those circumstances. What should I do?
Rudy the Feuding Nudist
Dear Rudy the Feuding Nudist,
It’s difficult to live in a divided community where the people are so passionate and pig-headed about their opinions. It’s especially hard when you know that your side is so obviously right, and that the people on the other side are simply idiots. I feel sorry for you. Here are some strategies you can adopt in order to get your way.
Dominate the dialogue. Shout down the opposition by speaking more loudly and angrily. Don’t even give them a chance to espouse their views. Obnoxiously proclaim your right to your opinion, but don’t extend that right to people with differing opinions. Your mentality should be, “I’m right, you’re wrong. I’m not listening so just shut up.”
Be condescending. Assume a superior attitude, and regard anyone who disagrees with you as if they suffer from some type of heart-wrenching mental defect. Treat your opponents as wide-eyed children who are too naïve to understand the issues.
Site phony statistics. You can easily confuse people by throwing a bunch of numbers at them. The numbers don’t even have to be valid or make sense. Just use the statistics to paint the picture that your point of view is the only rational one.
Undermine the opposition. Pick out the key players on the other side and publicly question their motivation, morals, integrity, and intelligence. Again, it’s acceptable to fabricate “facts” in order to make your opponents look bad.
Demonize the opposition. Decry the scoundrels who disagree with you as evil agents of the devil. Your side, conversely, represents goodness and righteousness. Creating this stark polarity makes the correct choice seem obvious.
Become a fear monger. This is an extension of the demonizing strategy. If the opposition gets its way, the world as we know it will end. Civilization will collapse. Darkness will descend. Zombies will eat your children. Or whatever.
The only alternative to these underhanded methods is to set an example by dropping your egoistic insistence on winning and opening a calm, rational dialogue aimed at reaching a compromise that will benefit everyone in your nudist colony. Wait! What the hell am I talking about? This isn’t about doing what’s best for your community. This is about being right and getting your way! Remember: compromise is for losers.
Peace, Love, and Beautiful Nudity Forever,